When I die i'm going to hell

For all the hurts i've caused the lies i've told for runining my mothers life for being born for being a fake all my life for existing. I'm never getting off anti depressants I've tried and failed - im a drug dependant junkie for this and lots more i'm going to hell when i die it can't come soon enough.

Hi there and HUGS

I tend to believe we are living 'hell' at times in this world the next we heal. I hope that is true. It is very hard to forgive yourself for things that have been in the past.....but change the future we can with love and support. You may not feel love or have support.
My advice would be to seek support - Paddy has a list in message-boards.

I can relate to what you are saying and have a lot of regrets - one in particular that kept me trying off and on to kill myself - not pansy style give me attention. Won't go into details but lets just say I have been this way for 3yrs after a Psychotic breakdown - I am safe now I believe due to med reduction and SUPPORT finally on the road to wellness.

When people say there is light at the end of the tunnel you think bullshit!! you will get better bullshit!! Forgive yourself yeah right ' I deserve to punish myself and take the anger out on myself" is what is going on.....

I have support a new PDN first visit - she told me "no more taking the anger out on yourself" referring to suicide attempts. something clicked.

I hope something i have said may help, just know that we are here too.

Arohanui

Oh honey, you are not going to hell. You already know you're failings (that in itself is huge) and its time to step up and deal with them. What I would like to say is, its not a problem to be on anti depressants, hun, thats not a failure, thats an inbalance and many people need some help. Having loved and lived with someone who needed to be on these meds. that was never a concern, and it was only when he would come off them, that there was a problem. If you except that you may need these, you can still have a wonderful happy life. As far as creating probs for your mum, she is and always will be, your mother and if not already, be sure that she will always forgive, if you can just shows signs of helping yourself. Get yourself into rehab and make your family and friends proud. Come on you can do it.

Thanks so much let me explain myself a little the lies i've told because im so fake but still lies and as for my drug dependency the only drug i depend on is my anti depressant i don't like taking pills at all and this as far as i'm concerned is dependency so therefore i'm a junkie in my eyes my mother has told me time and time again i ruined her life by being born she is one lady that shouldnt have had kids she should have adopted me like she planned to. I have always felt like i'm a big fake no one knows what im really like in fact I don't even know me either. Been to counselling which was fine for a little while but my demons are back big time husband doesnt understand that these demons are mine alone and he cant help me. I have been 2nd best all my life and my demons just won't quit. I know i'm ranting but can't help myself thank you for being so kind.

Black Fairy, why do you think you are 2nd best?. I am so pleased to hear that all you are taking are anti depressants, there is nothing wrong with that hun. I feel sad for you, that because you need these meds, that you would feel like a junkie. There are so many people who need help with medication, and there is no shame. To me, it sounds as though you have fallin into a hole. What you need to do, is to face your demons, little by little. You need to sit down, work out what and where you are going wrong, so eventually one day you can walk around that hole. All of us fail at times, but if we can work out where we are going wrong, it will lead to our success. It may be very hard at times, but it will be worth it in the end and make you a better person. Its all a part of lifes lessons. There is something fabulous about people who are not so easy to work out, I have to say that I am a little misterious myself and I love the fact that very few, really know the real me. Take care hun and surround yourself with positive people. Start the day tomorrow, with the knowledge that you are a fabulous person.

I hope some little beautiful coloured patches are appearing on those black fairy wings, and as they grow bigger they will glimmer all the more for their black background.

As the others have said, if you can live happily one day without taking anti-depressants, well and good; if you take them all your life and they help you, well and good.

Depression is the pits, isn't it! I remember one day, years ago, I suddenly said to myself, "This depression isn't going to destroy me! It's going to make me a better person!" It was an expression of defiance, I guess.

As for you ruining your mother's life, please balance her opinion with your experience of what her comments etc have done to your life.

Hell for you? I don't think so. You are God's beloved.

there is no way we ruin others lives by putting ourselves first,

to put ourselves first is so hard at times, but it must be done... for if we don't our world will crash and burn once more.

Please take care of yourself Black Fairy and the rest will follow I am sure.