Just one of those days ...

when i feel empty inside
when i feel my outside is hideous too
when i feel like my eyes only see emptyness in the world
when i feel like my eyes are the only things that can be seen by others
my eyes tell my story
my eyes tell my sorrow
my eyes show my pain
my eyes show my guilt
my eyes make the tears that my heart wants to express
my heart is heavy
my heart is broken
my heart is wanting my brain to just go away
my brain is angry at my body for being alive
my body is numb and not listening to my brain

Who controls my heart, mind and body?
I feel like they are fighting with each other all day every day!
I feel so tired and drained from all this fighting.
I cry all the time because im angry at myself for making myself cry!
Who is to blame? Who will take responsibility for this monster i call myself! I blame myself, i punish myself and yet i still feel i need to be held accountable, i want freedom, redemption, salvation!!
How can i help this person that is me?
Learn to love yourself? what do you mean? I am my own worst enemy? Why would i want to love myself? I only hurt those who love me? When the hell will these questions go away! My brain is tired, my body is tired and my heart feels nothing. Nothing but emptiness.


Is this a cry for help? How do i know? I know nothing.

The mask has come off. I no longer want to play make believe. I am not happy. I am not well. I want a drink. I want a fix. They are my friends. They know me better then i know myself. They need me. They miss me. I miss them. I want them sooooooo bad but my wallet wont let me and neither will my brain or my heart. My body will take me to them my brain remembers how and where to get them but why oh why wont I let myself go there again?

I am the punisher and the punished.

*shrugs*

and so i put my mask back on and off i go into the world of make believe. Where a 27 year old female holds down a job, runs a household for darling partner and darling son, reads her script each night, practise my scenes for the day so i never ever get found out that I am an imposter!

Rewind: Why did i sign this contract?

*sigh*

There it is in black and white (or blue and white in this case) my self confession i will probably delete when my brain returns to control my body. Stupid fingers just blabbed. Secrets safe here right?

thank you,
beautiful writing too!

So much Power you make available this way
that will serve you well in
the direction you will flow in.
Being honest with oneself
one must,if one is to build on Strong Foundations.
Remember
you are the third element in the two
you speak about.

How are you now?