goddam freakin heck!!

I LEFT THE HOUSE AND WENT TO A YOGA CLASS AND THERE WERE ONLY THREE OF US THERE!!!!! OMG!! SO SO STOAKED!!! YAY FOR ME!!!! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!

Good for you Twinkle - Yoga is a great thing to learn ..... There'll be no stopping you now! Daze

Hey Twinkle, how's our star today. I hope you are well...

OMFG!!!! I applied for a job today!! OMG OMG OMG!!! WTF?! O yeah!! Yay for me!! Must remember not to want to die when i dont get the job tho!!! aahhh ever the optimist Bahahahaah!!!

Hi Twinkle
Firstly i want to say well done on going to the yoga class, awesome you found some energy!!! Secondly I am so pleased you continued to vent, I want to vent but get scared even to do that So well done!!! as hard as it is for you too.

Thirdly: Congratulations on applying for a job, awesome news. You are trying and that has got to be the biggest ask right now... you haven't given up on YOU, I am so proud of you!!

Big Hugs and wishing you well, and crossing fingers and toes the job is yours. If not 'don't give up - if you can right now keep highlighting possibilities in the workforce...... keep hope there.

(((Hugs))))
Poetry

Well done!! You are such the star... let me know how you get on at the inteview!!

Oh wow twinkle that is so fantastic, good on you hun!!! Its so bloody exiting to hear somebody moving forward and upwards around here

Com'on Twink how'd ya go

Awesome that's briliant! You go!

twinkle?

FFFAAAAAARRRRRRKKKKK!!!!!!!
SHIT SHIT GODDAM EFFING HELL MOFO GODAMIT!! HOW CAN YOU BE IN A GOOD MOOD AND STILL WANT TO JUMP OF A BOTTOMLESS CLIFF!!! AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!! WHY IS WHAT I REALLY WANT SO FRICKEN HARD TO DO!! COMPLETELY FRICKEN UNATTAINABLE!!! STUPID TO EVEN WANT SOMETHING TO HAVE A DREAM AND ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT COULD HAPPEN!!! SO SO FRICKEN STUPID!! ARRRRGGGHHHH FFFFFFAAAAARRRRKKKKK!!!

Patience Twinkle, it hasn't been that long, and you have all the time in the world. What is the dream that you are trying to achieve? Maybe some people on this site can help you in that pursuit. I hope that things start moving forwards soon. You sound as if you need to see some progress to inspire you.

Also, stop being so hard on yourself. You, like us all, are only human. You, like us, have all the failings and issues that come along with the homosapien mystique. Take care (((((HUGS))))

I am so glad to hear that you have a dream..not a nightmare... what is your dream?

my dreams are pointless. Im pointless.
Im continually amazed at how horrible people are, including my own family.
eff u, and u and u and u and u and especially u. If i was rich and famous, would i be good enough for you then? I would disown all of you. None of you would exist to me. If you were to ask for help i would ignore you because i dont know you.... no wait, i dont want to know you. HOW DOES IT FEEL?! If we ever happen to be in conversation, and someone more interesting comes along, i will turn away from you instantly, pretend not to know you and leave you standing in the middle of the room alone - looking stupid - all of those eyes watching you, noticing what has just happened. Clearly you are not interesting or cool enough for anyone here - even the people i dont know, dont even want to talk to you.
When i have dinner with my rich and famous friends, i will sit you at the end of the table alone, and we - who are so much better than you - will completely ignore you, we will walk away - off into our own little group and leave you there, all by yourself, infront of everyone.
When you are ready to leave and try to say goodbye i will look at you once briefly and carry on with whatever i was doing - i dont care that youre going, to be honest i didnt notice you here so you might as well leave anyway.
And dont even talk about your friends to me, like im interested in you and the things you do? HA! All of your friends are freaks anyway. I havent met one i like, they are all such losers, and i will tell you this over and over because they are all wierd and the fact you are best friends with them is hilariously entertaining - for a moment - until i get easily sidetracked and forget you were standing there, so i just walk away.
So now that im rich and famous and happy, am i good enough for you? Suddenly you want to hang out with me? Really? Because suddenly I've decided not to know you. You dont deserve to know me - its not a privalidge you have.

you are not pointless..you know that,

And yes I do know that knowing you is a privilage

hmmm. am going to melbourne on monday. GOD HELP ME. Am in a good mood about it. I think. Dont know what to expect, am trying not to plan to do things incase i get let down.. as i always seem to when i get excited about things. so no plans, which is kinda wierd. am going with perhaps a stupid thought.... do only things that scare me... well i am scared of pretty much everything. so i guess i am in for some adventures. Have decided to 'fake it till i make it', which means i will probably crash big time when i get home. was thinking of turning this into a journal, but will wait till i get back because i think i will need to vent..... but... i dont want to jinx it by even thinking that way! bugger!
I AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. NO PLANS. NO EXPECTATIONS.

Hi Twinkle .... sounds great about your trip. An adventure - who knows what you'll see, who you will meet! Just letting it unfold is good. The biggest word is 'LOOK' ..........

'I AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. NO PLANS. NO EXPECTATIONS.'

Remember your own words - and Enjoy ....... Daze

yes you deserve to enjoy!

stupid ridiculous life! Im so numb! why cant i get a life! ive been trying so hard - im so feckin useless!!! AARRGHH!!! What the hell is wrong with me!!!!? im being left behind!! like im standing still and everyone is moving on ahead of me! such a pointless effing stupid way of life - no reason at all for me to be here! Im not helping anyone by being here! im not contributing to anything! FFAAAARRRRRKKK!! WHY WONT SOMETHING GOOD HAPPEN TO ME?!!! Anything at all?!!!! i need a reason to live!!! a reason to wake up!! I must be pointless maybe there isnt a reason - maybe im not meant to be here, to be doing something - wasting all these resources and wasting time and energy. ugh. im so pathetic.

Hey twinkle, if you ever feel like coming into chat that would be cool, id love to talk to you sometime. Take care friend.

Im so sick of this. I have been feeling like this for nearly 7 years now. I've had enough. I havent cried for a while now - maybe i dont have any left - actually i dont even feel them there - i dont feel anything anymore - ever. i'm dazed all day every day. Numb with no emotions. not even a comedy can make me chuckle, somehow i can even find something in a funny show to make me daze into the black hole again, to make me want to curl up and not exist. I think im just a shell of nothingness now, the years of hightened emotions have taken their toll and now im nothing. full of nothing. feeling nothing. doing nothing. sitting silent all day everyday, by myself staring at the green wall in front me seeing nothing - thinking of nothing - even my thoughts are so jumbled they dont seem to be anything in particular. I think im past breaking point. beyond the deepest hole in the ground. i tried clawing my way out - it got me so far but i seem to have fallen further. ugh. i dont know anymore. the black daze is back my moment of clarity has gone agian. sux. i hate this

What a horrid time you are having, I hope clarity comes back.

I hate it too, I hate going through it and I hate seeing others go through it.

Take care of yourself first and make sure you tell me how your going.

Im back. And im findin life pointless. And lonely, very very lonely. Heard my dad - who i see very little - and who i dont think actually gives too much of a damn about me - has cancer and will need major surgery. He'll be fine but its a pretty big op that will change his life forever. Found out last night he is heading to see his parents with my brother this weekend - catching up with people before things change for him. Didnt get an invite - and being school holidays (im studying again, in a class where i can go whole entire days without speaking to anyone) he knows i have time to catch up with him. Arse.
Saw a stupid article on msn this morning about how being lonely in life is as detremental(?) to your health as smoking etc is. I realised with outstanding clarity that i spend 90% of my life alone and have done for about the last 7 years. I will apparently die young. And honestly dont really care too much - am kinda looking forward to it. The sooner the better.
Also realised with amazing clarity that there is only one person who would be dreadfully gutted if something were to happen to me. Selfish that i want more people to be gutted if i died..... yes. I am a selfish person.
I've been living in this godawful (actually its really beautiful by the beach) place for 4 years now and still have no friends. I hate summer - there are too many people around having fun reminding me of what a lonely life i have.
I turn 30 next year and im still living with my mother. What a fun milestone that'll be.
It would be so nice to curl up under a rock and go to sleep and not wake up.
I certainly dont want to grow old alone and useless. No friends, or relationships at all, no children, one parent who cares, and when shes gone i will be in most definately a worse state than i am now. How does someone have no friends? What have i done to have no friends? Clearly im a weird person who people avoid. Not that i know how to talk to people anymore anyway, have spent so much time alone i dont even know how to have conversation with people anymore. (there go my chances of ever being in a relationship i guess) Socially inept.
I have no money, and have had no magical epiphany of life and no defining moment that has made me excited to live.
I can calm myself down easily with meditation, and feel the great energies around me, but i dont feel happy or sad, just a calm nothingness. But i feel nothingness all the time anyway.
I am trying to come to terms with the fact that i may not actually ever be in a relationship - not ever know what one is like. I may never actually have children. And the most likely outcome of this complete and utter screw up of a life???? I have no idea - i cant see a future for me, enjoyable or not - i just cant see one.

Hi Twinkle

I'm back too I don't know if you have already, but I find it helpful to re-read my journal. The why is to see that there are moments of wellness and also possibly seeing patterns of unwellness and how to 'get through stuff'. Re-reading the advice and suggestions of others is also helpful.

Depression isn't fair, it takes up too much of our time, and drowns us in ways that stop us taking steps to living, living in the best of ways. Are you still doing Yoga?

I'm glad you have taken the step to re-join TBBD, and as you have already experienced there are plenty of folk here that want to help. HUGGGSSSS


Poetry