goddam freakin heck!!

Thanks for everyones support here, you are such a good bunch of people.


But....
Im such a waste of space. Am freaking out again, no not even freaking out, am numb with a throbbing head, I will be 28 in a few days, im relationshipless, childless, friendless, jobless, assetless, and completely broke, and living off my mother... who cant actually afford me.
If I happened to leave this world, people are likely to say 'well at least she'll be in a happier place". It wouldnt be a huge loss, im not helping anyone, im not making the world a better place by being in it, im not contributing to anything at all in any way. Im taking up energy that could be used by someone else for doing something great. my mum could save more. i get up, sit in front of the computer all day, then go to bed, every single day, such a waste of a life. just so useless. if i could actually implode i think i would. i kinda have already just dissapeared into myself. im just a shell of nothingness.

Hi Twinkle ...... that's your depression speaking - make an appointment with Mental Health and see what they can offer you - or go through your Dr. I hate to hear you so down - depression is such a B**ger - it steals so much. Good for you to verablise it here though. Come in here any time. .... Daze

made an appt to see a life coach/counciller.... first time ever. At a holistic centre. only appt left was day after my birthday. How depressing. defeats the purpose really.

We see what we want to see. Do you really believe that the loss of her daughter would make your mother happy? I highly doubt that. You are only 28, that is not really that old. I didn't find myself, in any great, way until I hit thirty. I used to tell myself much the same stuff as you are. It wasn't until I stopped reinforcing the negative that I could finally see the positive. You are smart that is for sure. You are articulate and express yourself very well. Keep venting it helps.

I remember not being able to see any light at the end of the long and black tunnel I was in. All around me seemed to be a hell of perpetual stagnation. Then it dawned on me one day, quite out of the blue, that the problems in my life and with me, started and ended with me. I discovered that I had a choice. I could stay and ruminate on the ill and horror, or I could grow and learn new ways to live. I decided to start trying to look on the bright side. At first I felt as if I was being fake, but gradually things began to change. That forced smile turned into a genuine one. That positive affirmation that originally sounded false started to be believed. I started to see things in a totally new light. It took along time, and it took vigilance, but it did work.

I hope that this story helps. Love and ((((((HUGS))))) I will be thinking of you today and hoping that you realise how special you really are.

God i cant breathe. I feel like im swelling up inside, i hate this so much, i want to dissappear - no wait i have. I think i only exist to one person, a dog a cat and a rabbit. i hate this i hate this i hate this. another month another monday. FARK its like im immobilised to fricken everything, i know i have to think positive, and hell there is a million and 1 things i want to do and have but i just cant find that thing to do, everytime i ring about a course it has started. the night courses i rang today, already full. not a thing goes right, at the right time. even when i finally ring someone for help, theyre not even there. i will probably cancel the appt. will chicken out and feel foolish, there are worse off people than me, who would benefit far more from her help. Today i feel like a lost cause, and like i've lived my life, i cant see a future. i want to look forward to something, be excited about something. uggh WTF happened!

1st: Don't worry about other peoples needs compared to yours; you deserve help as much as anyone.
2nd: Take a few deep breaths and realise that you have all the time in the world. The right thing for you will come. It's only a matter of time.
3rd: Frustration is normal in such circumstances. You have every right to feel annoyed. But what do you do with your time? What dominates your thoughts? Ask yourself, what am I thinking right now? What am I feeling right now? Then ask: What would I like to be thinking right now? What would I like to be feeling right now? Then remember the last time you thought those thoughts and felt those feelings. What were you doing? Who were you with?

These things might help. Also, every journey begins with just one step. In what direction will you choose to take your next step? It is totally up to you.

I hope this helps. (((((HUGS)))))

just to vent again......

Godamit all! Have been on such a rollercoaster lately! great day today! but my godam freakin arse family are such a buzzkill!!! godam could they make me feel anymore useless!! no!! do they give a damn! clearly not today!!! fricken arse!!! shit shit shit goddamfricken hell!! ARRRRRGGGHH!! FECK GODDAM U!! Clearly u think im the loser of the family. thanx alot for making me feel more like im a useless waste of space than ever before! u suck. just leave me here not included or welcome in anything family related, i will be 'that' one family member who is never included because im an embarrasement, FARRKKK!! Just leave me alone. i dont want to talk to u. i dont want to walk in the hallway with all the photos of other family members and the partners and children completely absent of me. i dont want u to talk to me, in case i scream at u, i REALLY REALLY want to! but no, i never have a voice, ever. Just F-off and leave me alone.

FAAAAARRRRRRRKKKKKKK i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i farken hate my stupid farken life! FFAAARRRKKK!!! i hate it i hate it i hate it!!!!!!! wish i didnt fricken exist anywhere ever! stupid insignificant wasteful arse excuse of a life! SHIT SHIT SHIT I HATE THIS!!!! I want to die!!! i hate being here being so pathetic so fricken stupid and usless! AAARRRRRRRGRGGGGHHHH!!!

(((((HUGS)))))

its happening Twinkle...
something is burning-out inside you love.
Turmoil of this Nature signifies
things at depth(deeper-understandings of life)
are comming Free.
With this energy you have been setting loose here
once harnessed will completely turn the table
for you,and your mother infact.
At the moment,youre seeing it from the wrong place
hence hate it etc.
What is the opposite of hate?

Learning new things(something that really grabs you)
doing something creative will change your self impression
which you are clinging to
at present.
Ventilate completely as you are doing SURE!
and then let go and settle,
without thought,
then healing
happens.

This may come out of the therapy,you're going to investigate!
with love
GM

I agree with GM. This is good advice.

This is not so much a vent as it is a 'needing to get it off my chest' kind of thing. Amazing what talking about 'it' can do. I know that i'll probably still have the bad days, but lately (i guess since talking to the therapist) i have been feeling so much better that when i do get down i have been able to pull myself out of it faster than usual. Im dreading the day when i get really down again. NOT a cool place to be in.
I was told to chose some words for myself. When those thoughts come back, I am to yell them at myself. I do... in my head of course, definately not in a place yet where i can actually stand up to the world!
Those two words of mine "Just Believe" are pretty good and have managed to keep me afloat for the last week. When the tears come now - even if they are for no reason they seem to be happy tears... i cant explain it. It is definately odd. But there is a calmness in my heart that hasn't been there for a long time.
I have started writing, very odd as im not a writer. But the words and ideas keep coming and Im getting quite excited about it, a passion i havent felt for years.
So I am bound to be back in here actually venting my nasties again one day, but for now since im in this happy place again I would like to thank those of you who have been writing in reply to these outbursts. I know i dont often reply to them, but i want you to know i do appreciate them.
I know you have your own problems and that this is only a venting chamber, there is no obligation for anyone to take note in anyones elses writings, but you do, and just the fact that someone has noticed is a big thing. I've realised that alot of 'stuff' revolving around depression is being noticed - not in an egotistical kind of way. Just being acknowledged for being. (even if it is in a really bad moment in time).
(This website/forum is brilliant BTW)
I dont know that i've quite got across what i was trying to say... yes i do ramble a bit, but it needs to come out. My apologies if this has come across the wrong way. Am hoping it has not.
Anyways there are no words that i can put here to explain how grateful I am for your replies to my freak-outs. I hope some day i can be as helpful and supportive to others as you have been to me, but at this moment I am still not in a place where I feel I can confidently do that. One day i will.

Lots of hugs and love to you all and a big huge smile from me!

Just Believe

((hugs)) twinkle. Im glad you feel better venting, and its always nice to get EVERYTHING out in a place you know you won't be judged. And I have to say, rambling is one of the best ways to get things out, saying them as you think them. xx

I believe too

This is the best thing I've read in ages. I am so happy for you Twinkle. You are on the right path. ((((((HUGS))))))

Hi Twinkle, What good news! Soooo pleased that you're feeling so much better - getting the 'good' feelings going takes a while sometimes. It's very good you're getting/learning 'strategies and tools' to cope. Thanks for coming here and telling us how you're getting on! ......... Daze

There is always someone worse off than you - unless you are me then your' at the bottom of the heap.

Twinkle wrote:Goddam it all!!! Im so freakin sick of the way my silly little life has turned out!!!! WTF happened?!?!? Who in their right mind is jobless and still liivng with their mum at my age!!! goddam stupid lack of jobs inthis stupid little town!!! even if i could possibly handle a job im still not a people person!!! arrrrggghhhhhhhhhh!! I dont even know where to start!!! i dont know the first step to take to even get out of the house and do something!!! there is nothing to do even!!! im so screwed!!! this situation sux!!! im so pissed off!!! arrrrgggghhhhh feeeeeccccckkkkkkk!! xcuse my french!


ahhhhh good to vent. still pissed off tho. stupid life! GGRRRR
Sorry if i have offended anyone, needed to get it off my chest.

Like i said im sorry if i offended anyone. Im so stupid. Very sorry. I know there are plenty of people worse off in the world than I am. Of course there are, the world over, I can't even begin to comprehend the horrid life some people have had and do have. So much worse.
Maybe my depression problems are pathetic and insignificant, maybe I shouldnt even be using TBBD because my life isnt that bad. I have a roof over my head afterall, a family that loves me and food to eat and am reasonably healthy. I shouldn't have anything to complain about. But when I'm feeling down I really dont give a rats arse about any of that. There is that voice in my head that tells me im such a waste of space. I dont deserve to be on this earth, Im taking up space and wasted energy that could be used by someone else and that i'm at rock bottom. And im certain that I am not the only one who thinks they've hit rock bottom.
(Apparently when you are at the bottom the only way out is up, even i'f im ripping my bleeding fingernails off pulling myself up the sides of the hole.)
But Im only human. And I only use this venting chamber to get stuff off my chest since Im too scared to tell anyone what I really want to say, and too gutless to even attempt to end it once and for all. This chamber has helped me so much that I cant even express it with words properly.
No-one is ever obliged nor do I expect anyone to read my rants and raves, some do and offer the best support that can possibly be given in the circumstance, which is so appreciated that again words fail me.

So, again i have now worked myself into a stupor(?) bugger!
I'll leave it at that, the only thing i can say is that finding TBBD was my first grasp at getting the hell out of my hole!

Twinkle, I feel the same sometimes. Why am I depressed, I have a roof over my head, a great secure job with loads of oppotunities and heaps of people around that love me. YET I still get depression.

I hate the 'theres always someone worse than you' line (no offence to those who use it). I tried to think of that, then it made me feel worse, then like I dont deserve to be around etc, and it just went round in circles. Yea there are people out there suffering more than us, but we still hurt inside. There is nothing we can do to stop that, we have depression.

Hugs to you Twinkle, Im glad that this venting chamber helps you and a lot of other people. Sometimes we just need to get everything out, and sometimes its easier in words. xxx

I agree Lil! It's not a competition people. Feeling crap is feeling crap, whether your starving to death in Africa, being blown up in Iraq, or sitting in a five star complex in Queenstown. Being depressed is its own agony. The environment may well be worse elsewhere, but the feelings and thoughts are relatively the same. When you say it is worse for others, you diminish that persons lived experience. You are saying to them that their emotional state is not as valid as another’s; and that does nothing constructive. We all know that there are no shortage of horrendous circumstances in this wide world, but surely it can be agreed upon - that it should never be implied - that anyone should ever be made to feel guilty for being down, even when their living in so called better circumstances.

Thought i would throw some hugs in here

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS for all.......

Like Guerrilla Roach said "It's not a competition people" This is your vent twinkle

Keep venting.......

Poetry x

Thanks for the HUGS Poetry

Have some in return (((((HUGS)))))

Bad bad bad bad day!!! FFAAARRRKK!! why cant i just dissappear!!! Why cant i get my act together?!! Goddam fricken arse!!! such a stupid effing life! Just about may and i still havent done a fricken arse thing!! except sit on my stupid fat arse! Im sure i must have a touch of agraphobia or something! I miss my friends!! i miss having friends!!! God i can't even remember the last time i was kissed!!! Or hugged!!! 'Just believing' isnt cutting it anymore!! Maybe i cant even be helped!!! FARK!!! Im effing useless!! I hate this i hate my life!!! FARK FARK FARK!!!! Im so stupid. such a feckin waste of space and resources. FARK i dont want to be here. I dont even have enough guts to do anything about it! such a weak useles waste of a person.

Are not! Have patience.

awwwwwww twinkle, have to try and catch you in chat sometime!

I rememeber chatting to you ages ago your not a waste of space at all you're awesome to chat to!

Please come visit us in chat! Dont make me PM you!!

Ugh i feel sick. and shakey. i want to hold my breath and never let it out. so shakey. sux sux sux. i feel so numb its weird. im so fkd up.