I didn't want to start this topic, but my blood is boiling.

There is a Message Thread on TradeMe relating to suicide - the link is http://www.trademe.co.nz/Community/MessageBoard/Messages.aspx?id=29807612&threadid=29807612

I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but there is stuff written there that has wound me up so much I'm unsure just how to deal with it. Apart from ignoring it, and thats a bit too late, probably since I've already leapt in there and said my piece...

Toughen Up. Yeah, right.

I predict there will be a few shortbread eaten in my wee household tonight. Comfort food, I need you. Now!

Hi again Paddy, I can understand your anger - some people have absolutely no idea what other people experience. I have a friend whose son died quite a while ago now. He had been discharged from the mental health team. He had a young baby so of course this little girl never knew her father. My friend has had lots and lots to do with her granddaughter. One day when she was about 8 she looked at the photo of her father and said to my friend 'Did you know my father very well?' And my friend said 'oh yes, I knew your father VERY WELL'.

Thanks (yet again) Daze.

And if you read this, you may understand why I'm blubbing my eyes out as I try to write.

I'm kinda dissapointed that I chose to react the way I did with my second post in that Thread, but what I eventually posted was watered down from my first half-dozen attempts at writing the post. Thank goodness TM has a limit on the number of character spaces one can use in posts there.

The night I decided to start this Board a young woman with a part time job took her own life in the town I've recently moved to. Her colleagues that I spoke with were devastated, and many were questioning why they never 'picked up' about her distress.

Thing is, when you mind is made up and you KNOW that the only option that makes any sense (to you) is to end your life, there may be a period of quiet calm which descends over you. It may actually be the calmest, most sure you have felt in weeks or months.

You make yourself do 'normal stuff.'

You can even interact with people to a degree - heck, you have to, because you don't want 'them' thinking something is up and keeping a watchful eye over you. And 'them' can be anyone - or everyone.

Which is why I maintain that suicide is a SILENT killer. And why I want folk to use this Board and any other tool they may have in their personal safety kitbag, just to get thru today and still be with us tomorrow. And the week after the year after next year.

Isn't it tragic that it is still so damn hard to find someone or some place where one can express ones fears and terrors and unwell thoughts without a) being 'judged' or b) being made to feel like if you have those thoughts, you're really letting the side down old chap, not pulling your weight. C'mon, toughen up - you have a great career, a family, people who need you.

It doesn't matter that you are feeling so low, so flat, that the struggle, the pretending, gets just too bloody hard to keep up the pretence - just, buck your ideas up and stop being selfish.

I maintain that it is still far too hard for people (especially? in smaller centres and rural settlements) to cry for help in a voice which will be heard in time and heard by people with the skills to work with and thru the problems that are overwhelming us. I dunno how yet, but that is something I want to change.

Oh - and my insights into the mindset of a peron seriously considering suicide isn't all book learnt.

What made me not go thru with it was just two things.

First, I'm a dad - a crap dad, a dad who hasn't been able to see his girl for more than 4 years, but a dad nonetheless. The second was something I think I was told in Sunnyside many years ago and that is that the children of parents who committed suicide are themselves several more times likely to go along the same path than children from families with no history of suicide. Now, that may have been a made-up fact, but how could I take that chance with my own childs life and future?

I have cursed the doctors who told me that - sat with tears coursing down my face, utterly frustrated and angry, but I can't leave that potential legacy hovering over my daughter. So, you're stuck with me.

Whew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone, but this is one topic that is too close to home for me to ignore.

Take care, have a good, safe day and if you are ever at New World Marton and see just one packet of Pams Shortbread on the shelf - leave them, someone may need them more and his name may be Paddy.

Morning poaddy, I see nothing wrong with your 2nd post in that thread - don't feel bad about it. I know you have the voice of experience. I used to make shortbread (when I lived in Scotland) and MAY try to make some again. Me and the stove have a disliking for each other these days!!!!! Your sense of humour shines through all the time - you make me smile! I hope you have as good a day as you can - I will!

I see I've changed your name ..... Lol - I'm not perfect you see ....

I can't post over there but it makes me angry to see the irony about suicide being selfish when the ones left behind only worry about how THEY are going to cope. While I agree that it hurts and it's horrible to BE left behind, it isn't about that at all. It's about that one person who is so ashamed to even have those thoughts about suicide that they can't even tell themselves they're thinking about it. You're right, Paddy, there is the calm period for most people. I went about all my daily stuff, chatted with friends online and off, then I just 'tried'. I just wanted to sleep... For me, I was going around in circles. I felt that I wasn't doing anyone any good by being here. But then I would feel guilty about who I was leaving behind and how angry they would be with me. The complex that came with going around in a circle was, and still is, unbearable. You feel that you're only hurting people by being here but you know that you're only going to hurt them again by disappearing. I think it totally sucks that people can't understand the emotional turmoil that depression rides on some. Also I wish that others would understand that they aren't thinking about being selfish, if they thought they WERE being selfish I can guarentee you it would hurt them even more. WHY are some people so freaking self absorbed