The Ambiguity of 'coping' and 'not coping'

Hi there,

This is a matter that perplexes me but how does one know if they are or are not coping? It's a little easier to tell with emotionally volatile people but I have a thick emotional callous and introverted personality, not alot gets given away. Sometimes it feels the chaos in my mind is getting the better of me but I always manage to grind on despite feeling very 'not ok'.

Cheers

Hi Epinema,

Sounds like you have a good outlook and approach to life. You probably realise that life wasn't meant to be easy. Resilient people can take the good with the bad.

Also sounds like you are content with your nature. One can't change that. Trying can lead to disappointments.

Good communication is very important. Even emotionally volatile extroverts can be poor communicators. Communication is a two-way street.

People like us introverts tend to be more comfortable in a relaxed one-on-one situation rather than in groups.

If you think things are chaotic then make sure you are getting plenty of good sleep. Go easy on alcohol etc. Eat in moderation.

If you feel you need to talk further about it then your doctor can ask you 20 questions or so and determine if there is a problem. Doctors, however, tend to prescribe medication which is treating the symptoms rather than addressing the causes. My advice would be to cut out the things that are causing stress.

Scamp

Hi i so hear you i feel the same and ask myself the same i dont present like most people my head can be a reck im a reck on the inside but to people on the outside it seems like im doing well not one to yell and scream or crawl into bed (i cant i have three young children to look after), i have been there a many a time where im ready to end it all but on the outside the house and kids are clean and i get sick of being told no your coping and i just want to yell really well be in my head.

Kind of at a point where I'm not sure what to do or with whom to talk.

Doctors...not good experience and they tend to prescribe, no way in hell I'm going back on meds after the nightmare of coming off Effexor (pretty sure there are still residual effects 9 months after tapering off) or Doctors just shrugging things off. Nice to answer their question sheet and tick yes for thoughts of 'wishing you would be better off dead' and them saying everything looks good without looking at the sheet.

It seems unless you go to outward extremes you can quite easily fall through the cracks. To be honest, I'm awful at asking for help, have a tendency to mask everything or play it down instinctively. Each trip to the Doctors tends to be fueled by the intention of being fully up front and turns into "Ok" or "Been better, been worse."

Hi Epinema,

You talking further about your poor experience with doctors and reluctance to go on medication indicates to me, once again, that you are a reasonably well-balanced person. It seems you are going through a rough time at the moment and just don't know what to do. I would suggest not changing yourself but change your environment.

A chaotic mind indicates a communication issue. Your introvert nature and tendency to not complain are a handicap - they are only making things easier others around you. In a way that's a good thing in that you are not wanting to be a burden on anybody - it shows a compassionate side. I know you are saying that you don't know who to talk to but isn't there anybody at all you can have a one-on-one with?

The things you need to talk about are the things that are going on in your life - anything and everything. You might need to make a few notes in the first place. Try to identify the things that are not really necessary and make plans to phase them out.

Also, how's your physical health? Are you eating/drinking etc in moderation? Exercising? Getting plenty of sleep?

Scamp

The people who I can talk to about this stuff aren't often around.

Physical health, some ongoing problems, nothing overtly major but enough to aggrivate things. Diet isn't too bad, I don't eat rubbish too often. Drinking, not at all. Sleep is currently difficult to get there and broken when I do.

Hi Epinema,

Thanks for your post. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. What about cannabis or other drugs?

One of the talks I was listening to today mentioned some benefit for cognitive issues resulting from ADD or ADHD. Another part of the talk mentioned a naturally extrovert child who became introvert when they started school because of their learning being impeded by dyslexia. Both were brought back to normal with good guidance but only after they happened to be noticed. There must be so many people who fall through the cracks. The talk also mentioned that people in their 70s have achieved some benefit. The talk was on neuroplasticity. I can provide a link to the talk if you are interested.

Do you think you might have a touch of ADD?

Is there a way of getting in touch with people? Ask at your local Citizen's Advice Bureau for counselling groups. These meet regularly all over the place and are full of people who are there to listen. You might find, though, the group might be pushing its own agenda and the people might have difficulty in understanding new concepts. Might be worth a try none the less. I can provide contact details for various agencies and services if you are interested.

Care to add anything else that might provide further insight about what's going on?

Scamp

Nah, no drugs, period.

I highly doubt I have ADD, it's been brought up in passing but I'm sick of being labelled with problems based on very little factual information. ADD or not I function at a high level, can usually focus well enough and have a good education track record to back that up (including the crap I didn't care about)

Some contacts would be much appreciated.

Thanks by the ways :-)

Hi Epinema,

Sounds like your physical aspects are in order. Perhaps it's your social aspects. Not having anybody to talk to is an indicator of this. Unfulfilled social needs can cause general psychological issues particularly if you tend to ruminate. Lack of sleep impairs cognitive function manifesting as a chaotic mind. Chronic lack of sleep leads to general lethargy and depression.

Society can sometimes be over-rated. Life can sometimes be disappointing. Trick is to recognise and accept this. You might be fortunate enough to encounter somebody worthwhile. If not then you have to accept society in general and people in particular as is. Just shrug and get on with life. You seem potentially capable of this. The trick is to realise and accept this.

If you do not wish to accepting things as they are then you might consider changing your environment; even as radical as moving overseas. If doing so proves worthwhile then good. If not then at least you will know how good it is where you currently are. It's been said that the world is an amazing place; and it is. It's also been said that life is beautiful. I have my doubts but it's better than the alternative.

Can you off-load some of the things that are causing the confusion? Ditch them or pass them onto someone else?

Are there some things that you can do to get your mind off things? Diversional therapy might work. Take-up a hobby. Be careful, though, not to become too obsessed about it.

Thought about getting a pet (e.g. dog, cat, parrot, goldfish)? They can satisfy some social needs which may lead to a desirable outcome.

If these are not an option then it might be worth trying to do something about it. Be warned, however, that this can waste a lot of time and effort. Like the rest of us, you may become frustrated and disappointed looking for someone who seems willing to listen, can appreciate your situation and is capable of doing anything about it. Nonetheless, you should try talking to your local Citizen's Advice Bureau to see what they have to say. That is one of the things they are there for. You never know, it might end up proving worthwhile.

For what it's worth, it might be worth contacting the Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand. Here are their contact details. Notice the foundation offers a free library. You might be able to find something helpful there.

Also try looking in your local library for useful material. People at your local library will be able to help you search their catalogues and get books in for you.

If all that fails then I strongly suggest talking to your doctor. He/she is merely a GP and can only do preliminary tests. Aim for getting a referral to somewhere like Cornwall House where there are a number of psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors and therapists who should be able to do a proper assessment and go from there.

I don't think you're ready for any crisis services like Lifeline. I don't know enough about you to direct you to specific services either.

Let us know how you get on.

Scamp

i have only skipped through the conversation so far, but i LOVE your question.

how does one know if one is or is not coping?

how did i know..... when all of my usual ways of 'dealing with stuff' and 'managing my own stress' weren't working for a continued period of time.
i could pull myself up out of it for short periods, but inevitably fell back into the sadness. kind of like wearing a cloak of sadness, occasionally i could pull the hood back and look around, then it would cover me again.

when i did realise that i wasn't managing on my own - i went to my gp and had a chat, talked to some other people to gain some perspective, funnilyl enough seeing a chiroprator was in part the trigger back to full mental health, and i took up exercising - riding my bike is the most fabulous tool i

all of these things brought me back to my true purpose on earth, which i was lucky enough to discover about 6 years ago. while i'd been busy focussing on all the crap in my life, i forgot that i had a reason to be here an d have since continued on that path to find great feelings again.

i dont know what will work for you, but maybe the things that worked for me will help you find something that works for you.

Woah, things have transpired recently.

I can think clearly, the first time I have in years, everything seems less hazy and through the effects of medication and whatever else there is more or less a 4 year gap in my memory (literally, if I try and recall in detail it jumps from now to 4 years ago to find something cohesive) It's not a total black out, I remember an odd bit here and there, places, locations of things but I don't really remember interactions with people or events.

The trade-off for clarity of thought however is not so kind. Trading one problem for another. I am now consumed by a perpetual state of anxiety; ranging from always there in a niggling sense to crippling, verging on panic at time.

To relate to the forum topic, 'not coping' with life. I don't want to go back on meds and lose more time, but I'm not functioning in doing what needs to be done. In search of a solution (although not seeing one) Going to hit up the doctor again, try and get back in touch with a psychologist now that I know what's going on.

This is helpful and creative topic.

This is creative and helpful topic

I just need some time to think about it......