Bad days - life sucks right now

having extremely bad days of late. so much so i contemplate what i might do but the fear of failure and dealing with the health system stops me. yep find the health system so apalling it stops me.....i'm in tears, feeling a failure, angry at my ex (for having cancer) and taking my children away from me, angry at the quakes and the aftermath of it all and disappointed in my ability to 'cope'.

i reduced venaflaxine as i was such a zombie on it and with having 2.5yo twins i needed to stay awake buy my mood is not good. been to the docs on several visits, doc wants to increase but then i become unfunctionable. so now i feel 'stuck' as to what to do. today i'm forcing myself to walk the dog and it's new years and all i want to do is curl up into a ball.

my oldest two sons have gone to live with their dad in town (chch) and i feel i'm just here for them to get what they want from me (money etc) and don't feel important to them at all and i watch my ex let my 11yo drink up on v and energy drinks which is not good for him and i shut my mouth as i can't deal with the onslaught from the ex about how he is his dad and will let him do what he likes.

i can't seem to handle anything small anymore and life is just well i'm not happy. it's become a struggle. i'm at a loss as to what to do next, writing on here as at least others who have been here have some understanding. i always remember the john kirwin ads - what others do can affect your recovery.