just come across the Big Black Dog pages....I NEED HELP & JUST SEEING THESE PAGES MAKES ME FEEL SAFER,KNOWING I AM NOT THE ONLY PERSON NEEDING TO JUST SHARE....

well..i have had a long day ,.finally admitted to myself that i need to get myself some help, after years of loved ones and friends trying to help me. I tried to get to see a docter but as i havnt got one it was going to take a week at least to see someone,.i needed to see someone today,..i walked around and around,trying to think what to do..whilst the awful thoughts were eating at me. They come every day,.i push them away, sometimes indulging and planning how to leave my mind,.never finishing the thoughts. My children stop me everytime,just the thought of them..and the realisation that i would do more harm to them by not being here than helping my thoughts stop..wow,,does this make sense?

I am an intelligent woman,.well i always thought i was,.one of the first people my friends and family would come to for advice,.i always had the knack for it...yet i couldnt ever be honest and share that inside i was falling apart,..nothing like the person people percieved. Anxious,insecure,down and always feeling just never good enough. The usual feeling alone,even when in a crowd,.i used to be a good faker,.always laughing, making jokes,being cheeky,..then one day,..after years of hurting ,i stopped feeling...i went numb,.even backed away from my children,..emotionally,i took care of them,.all those things,,but i wasnt there in mind,,just in body, doing all the right things like a robot..i had tried to make myself heard to my partner,..talking,crying,making jokes,..writing him letters, notes,..screaming,..yelling,..then...i stopped..i stopped caring...and i left..................that was 2 years ago...ever since then i have made bad choices after bad choices,..been homeless,..jobless,..broke,..smoked drugs,..gambled,..lied,..lost my friends,..found work then left it...started a new relationship,..then walked away, i wouldnt have recognised myself if i had stood next to myself.............now i feel worse than i did before i left my home and children ...........i have so much work to do...emotions going up and down hour by hour,..positive then dark,...its driving me crazy.....

Skins, Welcome to our family here at TBBD and I'm pleased not only that you found us, but chose to join.

You may find it helpful to use the Journal Section as a record of how things are, and we have a place called The Ventilation Chamber, where you can say pretty much whatever you need to.

Take gentle care and we hope that our place, TBBD continues to be a help to you. We look forward to getting to know you,

Paddy.