Newbie - my story.

Hi,

I am new to the site, and have not got a clue where this should go!

Basically, I was wondering, from others with experience with the matter, if I'm just feeling down, or if I really am depressed..

My family has had three big moves in the past two years, and I have just moved for the fourth time to go to university. I got myself a small dog midway through last year to help me deal with my last year at school, in a new place. She basically was my best friend. I went through year 13 with limited friends, and struggled really hard. My boyfriend lived in Auckland, my best friend in Australia. By the time you get to year 13, you'd think girls would have gotten over the bitchy stage. It seemed like they had only just gotten started. Rumours would constantly be flying around about me, I would have food chucked at me etc. My friendship with old friends from before the move all feel apart as I just withdrew within myself as a coping mechanism. My moods became very 'violent' - one moment I would be fine, then one little thing with work me into such a rage that I would be in tears and shaking. My relationship with my father finally feel apart when I decided I couldnt take anymore of his 'bullying' - I fled to Auckland for a few weeks, but came back to finish my studies. The friends I had made through the year, one by one found ways to screw me over. Things picked up in December when I finally finished school and could travel to see my boyfriend as much as I want. End of January, I moved in with my boyfriend and his family. Things started to pick up, and I developed a hobby. I started university towards the end of February, and really enjoyed it for the first few weeks. Slowly, things started happening which brought me down - my job that I had fought very hard to get (applied for 30+ jobs, with no replies and I had already had two part time jobs. Even turned down a job that my Dad got me, on the basis I wanted to do it myself) fell apart, I couldn't control my money, boyfriends brother would yell at me over small things (like taking his familys dogs outside to do their business) and just missing my family caught up with me. I thought things couldnt get any worse. My family came to visit, and brought me a car to give me some sort of independence from my boyfriend because my moods had meant I had pretty much become unhandable. I couldnt, and still can't, take no for an answer. I just can't cope with it. The day they left, my wee puppy had somehow gotten out of the house and followed me down the road and got run over. She died. My world was shattered, and being silly, I rushed getting into a new dog. The grief involved with loosing her just hadn't hit me. Puppy and I took a few days to click, but we have now, and I am quite thankful of getting him. I can't seem to bring myself to leave the house to attend lectures, or even study at home. All I want to do is lie in bed, and sleep or be with this new puppy. A few weeks ago, I also hit a deer with my car, (ran out, I braked, it still clipped my car. It was fine.) on the way home from the incident, a bird flew straight into my windshield, and I assume, died. I was fine for a while afterwards. I have come home for the uni holidays and for the past week I have just been in tears. I am riddled with regret about how I treated my puppy, and how I did not give her the best quality of life. I think this has something to do with my mother saying to me that she cowered because I was told to smack her as a disciplinary measure for weeing inside. I loved that dog with absolutely everything I had, and I just can't cope with the fact that I hurt her at one stage. I break into tears constantly because of this. I accidentally tripped my puppy up while taking him out to do business, and ended up in tears for 30 minutes cause 'I hurt him' (he was fine). I just can't get over hurting things. I feel trapped within my mind, like I have no escape. I have tried to keep a straight face, but when I finally decided to talk to someone about it, I felt like they just didn't want to help me. I don't know what I was expecting. I am sure my moods are getting worse. I have made the resolution to finally get myself a horse, something that I have wanted to do for a while. I know this is what I need. I also feel like I should move out of the boyfriends family home, cause I am at a stage where I am getting more and more irritable and I don't want to do something to my relationship with his family that I will regret.

Basically, what I am asking is, do you think I have depression? Or has it just really been a bad month? I have a history of family depression as well, my father was diagnosed with it last year, but it is not spoken about. It's become even more of a taboo subject.

I feel like I need an escape, but no matter how I try, I can not find one (hoping the horse will be it, before its to late anyway).

I am *so* open to trying anything to perk me up - I'm on rescue remedy 24/7 just to get through.

Hey scoopscoop,

Sounds like you have been doing it tough.

I know what it is like to move often, I tell people I am a nomad or home is where I lay my head cos I have moved so often. They say that moveing is one of the most stressful life events, even more stressful than looseing a loved one.

You have also had a lot of bad things happen, your car accident, the loss of your puppy etc. Have you walked under a ladder or something, SOmetimes it feels that nothing but negative things are happening and it is hard to notice the positives.

By the sounds of things I think it would be adviseable to talk to your GP. If thats too expensive most unis have a cheap gp on campus. Rescue remedy is only for what I would call the blues and you may require more support. Have you also considered counselling? It may be helpful.. Again you may be able to get it cheap through your student health centre.

I was in counselling all through last year - the counselor was horrible and has turned me of it, but as soon as I get back to Auckland, I will be going to make an appointment with both the GP and counselled at the campus.

I just don't want to waste anyones time over something, that to other people, will seem so petty!

Hey Scoopscoop,
I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to say hi and say I've been where you are. Good luck with the doctor and counsellor at you. I had a similar experience with a counsellor at the uni health centre who didn't think that I had anything wrong with me.

just saying hi

Hey scoopscoop. If you are becoming violently angry and fighting to control yourself then maybe you do need some help sooner rather than later.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties I used to become enraged, like enRAGED all the time. It took me years to get it under control. Of course, now I have the anger under control and I've left myself without adequate defences so I cry all the time - I guess my point is you deserve help with this. You are not and will not be wasting anyone's time. And the sooner you get help, the sooner you can learn to use and defuse the anger.