I live in my own little world...........but it's okay they know me here..

Hello World it's me........again.

well today has not been to bad, except for the lack of sleep last night from worrie about my job having to go to the doctors to get a letter to take to said job to inform them that I have....uuuuuh deep breath ....wait for it.......a mental illness ..yes folks...surprise suprise ....for some people....

anyhoo was just asking for my hours to be cut back from 6-11pm to 6-10pm as I am finding it hard to cope with 11pm finsihes.
I basically got what I needed for now(so I should not moan should I) but I had to jump through so many hoops that I felt like I was running a circus.
The reposnse was just very text book and very business like with no real concere promises (dont ask me why I expect real empthay because these days we are all ment to be machines.....arent we???) You know I must have missed that memo because last time I looked we were all human who ALL have days where (even when we dont have an illness ) we fall flat on our faces and feel like dicks.

One would think there would be a small part (and in some very small) that would say this person is not having a good time of late I'm going to do all I can to make them feel wlecomed and listened to, because one day that may very well be me.

But I guess it's just not the case.

Sorry for my scarartisc tone but big bussiness peeve me off , "oh yes we have work life balance", "oh yes we take care of you"....yeah until you become a pain in our arse and then we'll role our eyes smile tightly (or whith a huge grin that is so fake) and pretend we'll help as long as we dont have to take one step either side of our gold plated line, we are walking here!!!........your illness is my inconvence!!!!! move along!!


Happy happy joy joy

until next time it's been lovely.....but have to SCREAM now!!!

Hi hun how are you going love your journal. Work will get better i'm sure it is cool that your doc has reduced your hours don't worry about your boss they may not get it and your health is far more important than any job i do know that it is easier said than done. take care

Hello world me again.....

Feeling a bit yuck today........anxious and my skin feel all crawly especially back of neck and have sore throat.

I so feel like I am moaning all the time these days. I have been on celapram (not sure on spellin) for about hmmm mon 12 oct so about 7 weeks now and cant believe i am still having these types of dazes.
If I was home alone today could prob handel would jst go to bed but have my daugther home with me.....makes me anxious more.
am looking at counselling have got an app booked for thrus but thats only the 3 free seassions though work counselling.

I know from all the bloody papers i did and never got my f%^(in dip that the first seassion is met and greet and thats all. you cant slove much in 3 seassions.

but its someone to talk to I suppose.

have an app on wed to go see doc toget a refferal for an endocrinologist as i believe my hgormons are outta wack, and I reckon i have toxin build up in my system.

OOOOOOOOHHHH I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL!!!!!!!
so i can enjoy my life and my childrens life. I know there are alot of people out there that are worse off than me and to them I say you do very well to handel it, even on the days you dont handel it. but I dont, i bfeel like such a whimp...

well thats my bluh for the week, time to go

Hi Garfield sorry to hear that things aren't good. I wonder if it would be useful for you to tell your Doctor about the way you are feeling? It must be difficult dealing with Depression when you have a little one at home. I hope that things improve for you soon and that the counselling sessions are useful. Take care. Becks.

Thank you heaps....
it's nice to know people out there are listening or hearing me.

thanks heaps

Hey Garfield, how are you today?

Hope you are better?

Yeah feeling a bit better today.

Have doc appointment to see if he can reffer me to a specialst for my thyroid which I reckon is reeking havoc with my anxeity attacks and so forth.

and I also have counselling on thrus but only for three seassion as it's through work. Not much they can do in three sessions but at least it's someone to talk to I suppose.

thank you for caring.

what type of councilling are you doing?

I am finding my ACC councillour to be really beneficial,

yeah it is just EPA (think thats what it's call) but only 3 seassions not much in 3 seassions.

I love going to counselling as it helps give me more of a perspective on things and feel normal. But this just 3 free seassions that my employer wishes me to go to.

I'm sure it will have benfits but just you open a whole can of worms and then you have to try and shut it again in 3 seassions.

Hi Garfield I am glad to hear that you are feeling a little better. I hope that your Doctors appointment goes well and good luck with your counselling appointment tomorrow. Do you think it would be worthwhile asking your Doctor about any free or low cost counselling that he/she could refer you to or was aware of? Take care.

Yeah sounds like a plan, I am certainly in the mood for talking to a counsellor today, just have no modervation.

ok world......me here yep


went to counselling yesterday.
feel good about having something to take away from it, it was werid being th client instead of the counsellor havent done that for a while.

But ....it was nice to just talk and bounce somethings of someone who knew what I ment and where my head was.
and just remindered me of things I had forgotten. like how to take care of ME without feeling guilty about it.
I have awonderful husband who is very very supportive and I am very very lucky to have that and two kids who on the whole are very good. I am so very gratefull for that. But......here we go but (someone use to say to be everything after the but was bullshit lol) I need to find ME like who is this person I call me???

Who was I before I started having these things that leech off me and are in my head 24/7 and demand demand demand, these things called kids (I mean that in the must nice's possible way) oh to hell with it this is my journal and anyone who has ever had kids fulltime know what I'm on about they are f'n hard work.

So back on track where was I ....oh yes thats right me...see there you I lost me again???......I'm obviously very easy to lose.


I've look in music and acadmeia and looked in boys and kids and work and study even under stones knock on a few doors but...nope still cant find me.

I think I caught a glimpse of me somewhere in my crossstich and crystal's and my lav teddy bear, and my music.
maybe I just need to look harder and listen more. maybe I need my guides to help me. I'm good at givening advise not so good at takening it, even when it hit you between the eyes are knock on your head saying "hello.......mcfly"

Ok I'm going to go........and ...find .....ME!

Wish me luck!

Not a good day today....

have some sort of a bug tummy bug and feel so weak and emotional. husbnad has taken the kids to his parents for them to all go and have dinner was ment to go but cant .
He needed to do this as he felt the kids were ahrd work and he couldnt look after them by him self today and I odnt blame him.
BUt when he left I bust into tears and curled up into a little ball and felt so alone.....
I'm sick of my health being shit. I'm sick of getting physically ill and being an emotional void or a mess. I fucken sick of it.......

I just want to live a normal life with my husband and kids I just to SMILE and mean it and not have feel like this.....

hi there i so now what you mean try not to feel bad i sit here and just cry it is good to cry. and remeber friends are only txtes away. Your mental health does effect your physical health just remeber that, it doesn't make it easy but it's not you. what a good hubby you have.

will be in touch this week and try for a catch up. keep your chin up hun

me here again.............feel yucky today.

Husband away for the week and I go into full fleed anixety why cant i be normal and handel the kids without husband and not go into a full fleed anixety attack..........POOHS!!!!!!!!!

just wanna breath easy I know there are more much more people out there who are worse off than me but being me can sometimes be yucky when things like this happens. blah blah blah

Oh Hun we know how you feel. Hugz to you.
thanks for my cat i love him

Me again?
I cant seem to find my other post about my child abuse past????
But I feel werid about it, like trying to find things to help me acess the darkness where is resides, it's boxed up so tight and bounded so much that it any only be accessed by a trigger like a song or something.
Anyone have any idea about some songs that will help with that(not at angry stage yet but they are still good to know about) but maybe more softer songs, just about child abuse pref without the mention of father or anything as it was my brother that did it to me.
I just dont know how to heal from this I really dont?
my husband gone all queer on me a little bit my world just feels so forien!!!
any help ANYONE???

Hay you your hubby loves you and maybe you just need to talk and set rules for you both. You need to give yourself time to process this new information it is huge and you are being to hard on yourself want to work through it all now (which i know we all want but can't), remember your friends are here for you to yell at or cry with with love you no matter what and so does hubby times are hard but you can and will do this