An open letter to TBBD members

Hi All,

Yesterday was a very challenging day for me, and I think for a number of members here. As I'm sure some of you have come to know, I am definitely not perfect. I have a number of flaws - I think based on my past experiences, my depression and my medication. A big segment of my flaws surround empathy, and relationships with other people. Though I struggle in these areas, I want to express how sincerely genuine I am at wanting to address these problems. Deep down in side, I believe I am a sensitive, compassionate person... I just suffer from a bit of 'bad wiring'.

There were three big issues that stick out for me about last night. There were many more I think - it really seemed like an episode of Shortland Street. But these are the big three I want to address.

Bad Joke

Paddy, I am sincerely sorry that I upset you last night. I really need you to know that I have never meant to cause you any upset. Recently I have really enjoyed coming to this place because I feel that my relationship with the others here have improved so much. I really feel that you are all family to me, and one of the roles that I have really come to enjoy is being there for other people and being able to cheer them up where I can. One of the ways that this can be done is through humour, and affectionate teasing. But last night I made a bad joke, without thinking, and I am genuinely sorry that I upset you.

When you angrily confronted me last night, my first response was defensiveness. I thought "Gosh, Paddy is getting really dictatorial, we're not even allowed to make jokes anymore? He's really over reacting". Now that I've had time to sleep on, I can see how the particular joke I made was really inappropriate. I admit that I should have known better. Please just try and understand that sometimes I feel so numb, disconnected and consumed by own issues that I can forget what issues affect other people. I know its bad, and I promise to work on it.

Do you think it might be appropriate to post something about what type of humour is not appropriate here? Problem is I know its mostly contextual - depends on who is present and what their backgrounds are - but I think this also makes it quite difficult for people like me that can sometimes get it wrong - and I dont think I'd be the first or last to get it wrong either.

Who is watching?

Mylife, I am sorry that you took my comments last night personally and as an attack. I'm also sorry that you felt you had to defend yourself. That wasn't the case - I think we all understand your situation. I just ask that you try and see ours as well. Here at TBBD Paddy has done a terrific job of creating a place where people can join up and feel safe and comfortable to share some of their really private issues. Last night when you told us that your husband would use your login when you weren't there, to sit and lurk in the chat room and read our chat history, I know I wasn't the only one to feel very uncomfortable by this. I received private messages from other members, and though my response was that we should take our concerns to Paddy, I thought it would be ok to let you know what they are, directly, in the chat room. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, and I'm sorry that it upset you. However, I feel our concerns are still genuine and need to be addressed.

A sad loss

Last nights news that a members partner had taken their life really shocked and upset a lot of us. And I don't think it was because we knew the person, or experienced personal loss, but because it really hit home to a lot of us how serious our mental health issues are. Many of us thought "That could have been me". Suicide is often such a taboo subject, and I think many of us can become complacent. "Yeah I think about it, but I wouldn't actually do it". A think a lot of us were shocked into reality - this is real - it does happen - and I need to look after myself! Newbie, I am so sorry for your loss. If any good can from such a tragic situation, I hope it is that members here take care better of themselves and each other.

To everyone here, thank you for this opportunity to process what really has been a very difficult night - I'm not surprised that I went to bed emotionally drained, stress and with a headache. I realise that some might feel that some of these issues are best sorted out in private, but I also feel that the issues do affect all of us here, and that we all have something to gain from discussing these issues.

Thank you all for helping me grow as a person.

Regards,
Geoff (JK.)

Jaffa,

I deliberated as to whether or not I would reply.

You are right, Paddy has done a great job of looking after this site and beginning it from nothing.

I take note of members concerns however, would like to know how this is different to a partner who has logged in under their own log in name. They still get to share the 'news' on the chat room, just under their own sign in. Tbey too can log in and look at the archives as I have done today - and see what is written - good and bad. And they can lurk to.

My partner - ie my husband is not there to pry on anyone but me. He is having difficulty trying to understand my depression and how it affects me and why I am the way I am. I am not going to deny him that because without him and this site, I would be dead - and that is a fact.

Also what is fact is how Paddy has tried to make this a safe environment. When my personal address was broadcast on the chat room, I did not feel safe. Also then, you phoned me at home the next day out of concern. Of course I appreciate the concern. What I do not appreciate is the fact that anyone who was privy to my address may have managed to make the connection you did. While the forum is open to 'members only' it is still a public forum.

My lesson learnt is that this (or any other site like this for that matter) is not as safe in the chat rooms as I had orginally thought and that is really hurting. I too have disclosed alot of very personal information on here.

While I am sure you would be happy for me to cancel/delete my membership, I am not. Rather I am not going to involve myself in the chat room regularly as I am finding myself taking exception to some things there now as they can certainly be taken more than one way. When I add together the fact that you supposdly streak through the chat room, tell me I look great, say you are going to hide under my bed, suggest photoshoping a picture of paddy and then track me down to phone me, doesn't at this point and amuse me, instead it makes me feel slightly vunerable and angered. It also angered my partner.

Like I have already said, I am not going to comment on chat anymore than I need to. I have already pissed off people, and I, to be frank, am pissed off too -and that is to put it politely.

Don't reply to my post - feel free to reply to jk's post

I don't think anybody wants you to leave ML. May I suggest that Peter has his own login so we know who we are talking to? I for one would be happy to 'meet' him as from what you have said he is an exceptional man and loyal and loving partner doing his best for his family. I admire him for that and I admire your openness and your understanding of Peter. Many would feel intruded on and not have the insight you have to know that he is doing his best to look after you and keep you safe. I sincerely hope to see both of you on chat. Maybe we can help in supporting you as a couple. I am sorry and distressed to hear that your address was put out on chat. I hope it was someone being thoughtless and not deliberately malicious. Take care and hope to chat very soon. Your new friend Judy

mylife wrote:Jaffa,

While I am sure you would be happy for me to cancel/delete my membership, I am not. Rather I am not going to involve myself in the chat room regularly as I am finding myself taking exception to some things there now as they can certainly be taken more than one way. When I add together the fact that you supposdly streak through the chat room, tell me I look great, say you are going to hide under my bed, suggest photoshoping a picture of paddy and then track me down to phone me, doesn't at this point and amuse me, instead it makes me feel slightly vunerable and angered. It also angered my partner.

Don't reply to my post - feel free to reply to jk's post

Sorry mylife, I think its rude to reply to somebodies message and then ask that they don't reply to yours. I started this thread to try and resolve things - you can't just come in here, argue, and expect people not to reply. You may be allowed to do that in the ventillation room but certainly not in my thread...

I have apologised to you repeated for mentioning your home address in the chat room... it was a really silly thing for me to do, I just got over excited and was teasing you. It was wrong, and if I could somehow take it back I would.

As for everything else you mentioned, I dont regret any of the things I said to you. How can you be offended that I said you look good? It just sounds to be you are taking everything in the worst possible way and making a big deal out of nothing. And frankly, you were threatening suicide. I would call you again in a heartbeat. If I was ever that low, I would hope somebody would call.

And I don't want you to cancel your membership. I want us to sort this out amicably and go back to how things were before the last couple of days.

JK.

Hi Jaffa, I'm not privy to some of the goings on yesterday, (not chat anyway), but I do appreciate that you are trying to make amends for your actions. Sometimes we really do need to think before we speak, dont we!!!!. Take care everyone, lets make this as safe as we can.

Jaffakiwi
Your apology is Noted.

I can’t say that I accept it because what you said was and remains totally unacceptable to me – both as an individual survivor of multiple male anal and oral rapes as a 13 year old boy and as the Host for TBBD. No one should have to disclose that sort of information to remain free from risk at TBBD. But you knew those facts about me.

Too many folk here at TBBD are survivors of sexual abuse amongst many other types of trauma. I quite understand that a member might try to use ‘humour’ in respect of their own experiences as a means of glossing over IT. Whatever IT may be. That use of humour is our personal right and not one which we transfer to others.

How dare anyone here at TBBD even try to ‘joke’ about using any another members photographic image in a ‘photo-shopped’ style nude composite photograph? Or to use such an image in any other way?

I posted the updated ‘head shot’ photograph of me in my ‘Paddy2’ logon identity yesterday morning against my own better judgment; because I truly believed that by doing so, I was helping prove to other members that it was safe to literally ‘show ones face’ here. I put aside my fear of risk or harm to me.

To All Members of TBBD: I am very sorry. I was wrong.

Any member who has a photograph of themselves or other contact details etc on this site and by which they might be personally identified, should seriously consider removing it from here if they feel uneasy now.

Members may choose to share appropriate pictures with other members, but not in a public way here, please? I have no control over how they may be used or even how someone jokes about how they may use them. And jokes like that contain no element of humour in my view. If someone asks for help to 'morph' a picture or whatever, thats a different thing altogether.

JK – I told you last night in the Chat Room, that had it been any member other than me to whom you made or said that those comments (or jokes), your membership at TBBD would have been disabled there and then.

Because I was the target of your ‘joke’ and because too, I have said things I should not have said here I decided against that immediate action in case I was over reacting. Having had 24 hours or so to reflect on ‘things’ I am confident that I have not reacted harshly or rashly.

As Site Administrator I have decided that you may retain your membership here at The Big Black Dog Message Board and Chat Room on a Probationary Basis.

You will not get a further warning about any of your behaviour or posts or comments or jokes or statements or whatever, JK. Your next inappropriate behaviour or whatever here at TBBD which comes to my attention either as Admin or Moderator will be your last here.

Provided that you have managed to retain your probationary membership, I am willing to review this Final Notice on or after 01 October 2009. If all is still well then, and I hope it will be I shall Suspend Indefinitely, this Final Notice. But this is not a negotiable offer. If you elect to cancel your membership here at TBBD, that is your choice - just do not rejoin. That thin ice under your feet? It’s not all down to global warming, JK.

I guess there are a few things everyone should know about here, and being here.

Firstly, ‘Yeah, I am the Boss’.

When TBBD needs a boss, I am it. You don’t have to like that fact; it’s just the way it is here. Both when I log in as Admin (Paddy2) and as Paddy2, Moderator.

I don’t especially enjoy being so and I don’t do much of a job by the looks, but this place exists in and under my own name. When I say enough, or that some comment or conduct is unacceptable that’s what I mean. Anyone who is unsatisfied with my stewardship of TBBD at any time is free to leave. I don’t claim to be infallible. I just try to do my best.

There is a considerable potential personal liability to me in having TBBD up and running and in my name. Folk who are here as members are here at my invitation – because I established and keep this site available for people to join in the hopes that it might help them as well as me – and I can just as soon ‘unjoin’ anyone. Trust me. No one has membership of TBBD as of right. And I don't get paid for this. I do it ‘cos its one of my ways of trying to help me and a few other folk in our world.

Secondly, most if not all of TBBD is a publicly accessible website and I have no control over how other members log in and out of our site; or even whether any members login details are known and used by others – family or not.

As the Site Administrator, I think it’s good that some members have a partner or friend who is interested and concerned enough to want to know what happens here at TBBD. And it feels like there might have been reason for such concern. That is not acceptable. Not even as a one-sided jest.

I would hope that the person on your side of the computer screen is you, the TBBD member who has supposedly signed in if its you I’m communicating with, but in reality I have no way of knowing.

Nor do I know the ‘real names’ or addresses etc of the TBBD membership – except in a few instances, where a member and I have had contact outside of TBBD environment. So if a member is in crisis, there is not a lot I can do to alert anyone in ‘authority’ to get help. If I can I’ll listen but I can’t even guarantee that. Ultimately, we are each responsible for our own personal safety and welfare both at and away from TBBD.

Mental illness in and of itself is not a sufficient defence for any misuse of the resource of TBBD by any member. I include me in that statement.

Members are required to treat other members with respect at all times. If you can’t do that, log out. We don't have to like everyone here but we do have to treat folk with due respect.

This Thread is now Closed and that is also non negotiable.

Pat Quinn
Founder – Site Administrator