Once upon a time

Beth sat down and wondered about the website in front of her. What was it like?

What was expected? This will be interesting!!

She flicked to facebook for a moment - clear her head - and then back to this one.

It really did look good.

John Kirwan sitting there - she felt he was only talking to her. Should I, or should I not?

Her therapist was telling her she was doing so very well. She knew all of Beths problems - intimately - and inside out. Almost as well as Beth did herself - what could this site bring to her that was different?

Moving through the site, she completed the 'test'. Hmm another one of these again... but she felt she could be more honest and open on this site - after all, it wasn't like he was really sitting in front of her.

She answered yes to thoughts of suicide in the last couple of weeks - only once had she thought like that for about a month or so - and she had suddenly become very low...but she controlled her thoughts and didn't take it any further.

What surprized her was the host of the site turning to her and telling her to see her doc, and join up with the journal on line, which she did.

Her honesty surprized her. . . and his honesty surprized here too.

I need to do everything I can, she thought. All the rapes, beatings, humilation and the incestious relationship with her brother, could never be forgotten.

These memories had to be managed, and managed well. I can't change the past she thought, but I can change the present and the future.

Misery can thrive in the right environment, don't let it thrive with me she thought,.

Beth re read her journal, gosh so much, so much to absorb, It saddened her, but in some warped way she was pleased. Pleased that it happened to her and not anyone else, pleased that she had written it all down, pleased that she was coming to terms with all things...

At last, she was beginning to genuinley gain contol - of her life, her present and her future.

Maybe happiness was beginning to find her once more, or maybe, just maybe she had never found true happiness.

Beth was lost once more.

As she sat up in bed, watching TV all she wanted to do was sleep. She wanted to make it go away.

Her heart ached and the tears rolled down her cheeks. Why are people intent on hurting me?

She didn't want him to hurt, she didn't want him to hurt himself. She still wanted him in her life.

But if everything carried on, she feared that would not be the case.

Distance.

That was what she wanted.

If she was not close to him, then it would not hurt, not as much anyway, surely.

Sleep. Sleep forever. Sleep forever little Beth. Get some rest.

At her desk, she happily listened to 97fm on the radio.

She was finalising some accounts for someone, nothing unusual. Just on a Saturday so it was lovely and quiet.

She didn't want to go home. Home was the worst. She managed no peace there.

Beth loved her family, dearly, but sometimes she just wanted it to all go away.

Maybe she was psycho, maybe she really was mad. All the time she felt sick, sick to the stomach. The macdonalds she had for lunch was sitting in her stomach, not wanting to digest.

She felt like a failure. A true failure.

A while ago Beth decided not to take her meds. It was an easy one to pull off for her councillour. She know how to act to pull the wool...

But deep down inside, she was like a ruin.

A ruined house, a ruined life...

Life was becomeing darker and darker, back into the black abysis.

Once upon a time she felt free
Once upon a time she felt happy
Once upon a time she enjoyed her life
Once upon a time she was who she was and didn't care what others thought.

Now she felt supression, a giant boot decending upon her.

She was weak, too weak to take her life, and too weak to get on with it.

April 30 2011
Alot has happened in recent months, both happy and sad.

Beth was nothing, she was caught up in the nothing, and the big black abys threatened again.

No, she wasn't going to let it win-not this time. She felt humiliated and depressed, but this tome was a little different. Different because she felt strength, strength she didn't have a few months ago.

She had sold her practice and managed to secure a place for herself and her collegue with the purchaser. Unbeknown to her the collegue seemed to have a vendetta against her.

After several screaming and demanding communications from PS Beth was feeling very uneasy about going to work...then one day...........


Beth was working quietly in her office. Starting to feel a little comfortable in her position, Beth was surprised to see PS on her office once more, an angry look on her face.

"How dare you ask how I am doing at PAS, like you would care, do they know here you have been struck off as a CA?"

"of course" said Beth, knowing full well they didn't. She wanted this women out of her office, wanting to avoid ANOTHER confrontation.

"right" said Ps as she walked out of Beths office.

Hmmm she thought... This is not good. Beth emailed her solicitor - she felt she needed to keep a paper trail of events.


"Beth" David was at the door - David, one of the co-owners of the company, "can I see you please"

Only an hour after PS had been in her office.

Beth followed Dave to his office. Sitting there was Navin, one of the other partners. She felt very uneasy - too coincidental.

She was invited to sit down - to be presented with a letter detailing how they believed she had mislead the company and recruitment agency about her CA status.

No this is not true she said- I had my status at that point. It lapsed afterwards as I couldn't afford to pay the four thousand to renew it.

"we want to have a meeting with you to discuss this- we suggest I have a support person present" Dave said.

No no no she was thinking, I have done nothing wrong. Alright she said.. Feebly.

Straight to her office she went and emailed a copy to her solicitor and an appointment was mare for the following Monday.

Beth and her solicitor waited in the board room, going tyrough their notes when the boardroom door opened and Dave and Navin walked in with their representative, John Haigh QC (the 3rd top employment lawyer in NZ).

Beth was persecuted for the next hour, in an interrogation style interview. She stood her ground- I did not misrepresent anything- prove it "I can" "being it on tomorrow.

She couldn't find the certificate of proof so managed to get email proof from the New Zealand Institute of Chartered Accountants.

The met the following Monday - when she and her solicitor were shocked to find the judgment had already been made.

The offer was be dimissed now for serious misconduct or resign with two months pay.
The two of them were left to discuss, and her solicitor advised it was a constructive dismissal - feeling the motivation being the second half of the sale proceeds which hadn't been paid out yet. And anyway they could satisfy the new clients without having to pay her wages.

She felt PS had won. Distraught and upset she packed up her office and left in disgrace, head down so no one could see her eyes.

She felt sick and shakey, her solicitor saying they should discuss the constructive dismissal claim when she is back from being away.

Later that weelk, she received a phonecall from Chris- and told all (something she possibly shouldn't have as Chris was an ex client now.


"it's funny you day that" she said to Beth. We received a hand written letter telling us not to deal with you and to deal with PS..it said we would be audited by the IRD.

How long have you had that? Since about mid March.

Then it struck her , that's when all this shit started. Can I have a copy?
Beth had a copy within few minutes emailed to her. It was PS's writing, signed "a well wisher"

Forwarding a copy to both her solicitor and her immediate partner at her now old work, mike, she thought "why? Why is she being so nasty"

Mike phoned her the next day to see how she was. Not good she said. She felt she could trust him. She had been telling him everything about the meeting with Dave ANC Navin and all the problems she had with PS.


"if this is her she will be dismissed and have no career as a ca" Mike informed her. Can you provide some proof he asked? Within an hour she had proof, emailed it to him and felt a little better, but she wanted to know why?

The job market was flat, she was exhausted, tired of crying and tired of failing. Maybe she would feel better after a week in the far north with her family, Samiam (a previous TBBD member) and her new man and boys...

Mylifes life should be over, but it ain't ...maybe one day it will be..then this story will have an ending..

Mylifes Life should, yes, but not your real life - You will live so long and be so happy. You will watch your children grow up and make lives for themselves. You will be there for them at their darkest moments.

You will be happy..

interesting twist, qwerky. Both mylife and I are one and the same.....

She sighed, and then sighed again.

Why? why was she ever born. She was the mistake of the family, and that is that. She was unexpected, a nasty surprize.

Why? why was she here

She has fought, and is frought with thoughts. Beth has had enough.

Enough smiling, enough pleasentries, enough of everything,

She wonders why? why are we here...

Her life is a tragic movie. Tragic, tragic, tragic. And tragic to everyone who knows her. She taints people. A bad influence. A really bad influence.

She is ready to die and die she will.

her plans are in place, maybe not for today, maybe not for tommorrow, but it will happen

Hi Mylife, thenothing, Beth - Im concerned by what you have written here where you have basically said you have plans to kill yourself. That leaves all of us here in a really difficult position, because you are saying that and we are powerless to do anything. So what are we suppose to do? Did you want to make us all worried about you? because you have suceeded in doing that with me. If you are feeling that way you need to reach out to somebody, somebody who knows who you are and can actually do something. Ring the Mental Health Emergency line (the Crisis team) if you need to.

Dont worry about it Maisie,

I won't post anymore anywhere if it is what is best.

I'll keep my secrets, inside.

Life's a Bitch, and then you........................

Alot of time has passed since she last had this. This feeling of anger, worthlessness, tiredness, impatience and self loathing.

She woke and 'BAM' it was there.

Beth didn't want to be fussed over, she didn't want visitors and she certainly didn't want to live.

Lifes' pressures were by far to big for her this morning.

She hated herself, and her life. She hated everything and everyone - even her husband and children.

She started out the day yelling, screaming at her children and they cried. She felt awful, guilty and more self loathing as she couldn't break her cycle.

All Beth wanted to do was die.

Her feeling were really true and turmolic - she was torn. Does she leave the life she leads, or does she just leave life?

Her head-space was not clear, it was confused and beaten.

Hating her life, but loving her children she thought, and thought some more. She was doing them an injustice by living with them, and would be doing an injustice by living with out them.

She hated this, life being a can of serpents...spewing out uncontrollably...each one slipping between her fingers as she caught them out of control. There was no way around it... they were out of control.

FML I wish it was over

She hated her life. She wished it was over.

She was out of work once again. Her husband mistrusted her so much he looked on the history on the computer, checked her facebook messages and checked her phone messages and txts everyday.

She hated the level of trust he didn't have.

She hated her life.

She will find a way. She knew what to do.