Holidays ........

Hi, Does anyone else find holidays a bit strange? I've just been away for 4 days - and on the 2nd day I'd have happily come home! I can feel quite anxious and would run home if I could! I did enjoy parts of the holiday - a trip on a boat (sorry, ship!) and I like the feeling when a plane takes off and I get pushed back in my seat - my 'inner child' likes that!

As a child we didn't really have holidays (about three of them that I remember) so never learnt what a holiday was like. I do not remember the word 'relaxation' ever being mentioned in my family of origin. Workaholism and alcoholism were predominent behaviours!

While away I also experienced seeing young women with the same colour hair as my daughter - and looking to see if it was her. It is part of the grief process.

Some of you know I have 'lost' two thirds of my children - it is like they have died - a lot of my depression is actually grief. My daughter ran away (again) over three years ago - I think I know where she is but she doesn't want any contact. I suspect she may be bi-polar (or something similar) but she doesn't own it. Have tried reasoning, apologising, explaining etc but it hasn't worked.

Unfortunately, I did not bond very well with my daughter and older son - so it's been hard going. My son has a battle with the drug P - disappears 'off the radar' for long periods of time.

Daze

HIdaze

Yes, I also stress over holidays and often regret having left and end up counting the days until I can return home again.

Grief is powerful Daze and while I know how unsettling it all must be for you try please to hang on to 'you', the wonderful, kind, generous and wise Daze that we all know and love. Try not to let regret rule you. (easier said than done I know)

I can only imagine how it must feel to 'lose' a child this way and my heart is sad for you. But you are also an inspiration for me on my journey when i see the strength and kindness you share here.

Big Monsta hugs for you Bright Sun Shiny Daze!

Love

Monsta

(and if there is ever anything I can do for you please please please give me the opportunity)

ps I still want to meet you NEXT time you come up this way lol

oh and give Molly some Monsta smoochies too!!!!

Hi Daze

I soooooooooooo missed you while you were away, I haven't done the holiday thing for some years so not sure how it would be now.....be weird i imagine. I'm sorta on holiday in a way lol from the other world - the working, living one.

Daze you have such a beautiful soul.....(((((Hugs)))) wish i could give you a hug in person. I feel like the puppy at home and their friend has come home tail wagging etc..... did i mention i missed you?

I'm sad also for your grief Daze....even through your grief and loss you are able to help so many!!!! you have helped me so much and touched my heart. You have inspired me, and given me resources, ....especially hope

I received this today, now i want to send to you....
A friend is like a flower,
a rose to be exact,
Or maybe like a brand new gate
that never comes unlatched.
A friend is like an owl,
both beautiful and wise.
A friend is like a heart that goes
strong until the end.
Where would we be in this world
if we didn't have a friend. - By Emma Guest


I had some problems with my son - more due to me i think now... funny in a way as he was the first person to break my heart, for me unconditional love and stepping back is the toughest task god asks of us (my opinion only). I have had to go through it twice as you know the last being my husband......
I want to give you hope also...... my son came back to me - took many years - we have a beautiful bond now - . I'll explain at some stage.

Right now welcome HOME!!

Love Poetry

Hi daze and welcome home!

Im the same, i have this idea that i like holidays though as ive always been a "wanderer" could never stay put as a kid and growing up as teen i more then once ran away from my parents. I hate the planning process of holidays, i hate being there and can't wait to get home. Last year i took a couple of holidays and everyone told me to stop worrying, relax and enjoy. I had a full blown panic attack at the airport and was given "special" attention from airport security. Probably one of my most embarrasing and scarey moments in my life! Anyway theres no place like home. But yet when im at home id rather be anywhere else but home but then when im away from home i cant stand it. So what is one to do? Keep trying i think. Sucker for punishment i am.

Im sorry to hear about your children, but take it from me we all do crazy things and live in hope that one day things will change. I cant even find the words to describe my relationship with my parents but for now i live in the now, i dont think about tomorro but one of these days tomorro might come and be different. I hope that happens for you and your kids too.

Thank you so much for your replies - I'm touched by your words of encouragement, appreciation and understanding.


Miss ZM - I'll be in Auckland at the end of May, all going to plan - perhaps a coffee? Molly came home from the kennels all bouncy and silly - as only a Boxer can be! She rushed about to find a toy for me. She is some of the joy in my life. She thanks you for the smooches! Sometimes when she's on her chair I put her face in my hands and tell her the story of when we went to see her at a few days old, and then when we brought her hime and she couldn't climb the few steps up to the verandah - she was too little! She half closes her eyes while the story is being told - she possibly thinks 'oh no, not again'!!!!

Poetry - Love the Emma Guest thingy - I do feel I have learned all this 'stuff' with anxiety and depression for a reason - well, when I'm in a good frame of mind I believe that! ... And I see you have a Molly as well. I do hope you have as much fun with her as I do with mine! My Molly is 6 this year.

Claire - Thank you for your kind words. Anxiety attacks are so horrendous aren't they. I hadn't a clue what I was experiencing when I first had them - I read a lot about them, went to Yoga and learnt deep breathing etc - happy to say I have not had one for years - although I still get anxious from time to time - but have learnt I can talk about what is bothering me and dissipate the anxiety mostly.

I thought my daughter and I were doing so well - long story - and she had said we could talk about anything now - didn't talk much to her as a child - but as it turns out we can't ..... maybe one day.

Thanks again, 'Bright Sun Shiny' Daze ...... !

Just to go slightly off course here, Daze. But you might know someone who knows the answer to this. And anyway, you started it.

I was always told as a lad, that a ship could carry a boat, but a boat couldn't carry a ship - thus, even a numbskull like me could tell the difference. The explaination was oft accompanied by a clout, so I remember it. And, it seems reasonable. But...

On Wednesday, whilst driving along SH1, a transporter, with a maritime vessel of some size, went by in the opposite direction. Hmm, I thought, that's a big boat. Then, in my rear vision mirror, I saw it had a dinghy strapped to its transom.

So.

Did I see a small ship, with a boat, or did I see a big boat with a tender behind?

Ha Pat, I'll see what the 'pet mariner' has to say .......................

Hi Daze. I definitely relate to feeling a bit uncomfortable on holidays... I think I grow attached to my own private space. It's like, I'm safe here. Though in a way, I think it probably would be good to get out of my space. This is, after all, where I allow myself to be depressed.

I think its good to get out of your comfort zone for a bit, but only if you have the energy to do so.

Hazey Daze

Coffee with you Daze would be the highlight of my month. Anywhere anytime I will be there honey!

hey coffee with any one would be great!

Where abouts in auckland are you mylife? Im always up for coffee

west - and you?

I live north but work in the city