JK - my space.

Not many of you know, but most of the time I am on TBBD - I am lying in my bed, my laptop on my tummy and my neck propped up on 3 or 4 pillows. This is undoubtedly a terrible posture and the reason my back gets so sore.

So why do I do it? It is my safe place. I often just feel so overwhelmed with my life that all I want to do is go home, pull the curtains, lock the door, and pull my laptop out. From here, I have direct control over what I see, who I talk to, and what I think about. I find that lately I am spending less time in the real world before I want to come home and get back into bed. It's not so much a social phobia, but a numb, rundown, unable to cope with life, way of shutting everything out so I don't have to.

Having no dependents makes doing this easy. Nobody to look after, no place I have to be. If I don't want to get out of bed on any given day - I usually don't have to. I sometimes don't. I truly do believe i have SAD though, as I was a lot better over the Summer. On the few days the sun has come out recently, I have wanted to get up and be productive. But there's been so many grey's lately, that I wonder what the point of life is. I should mention that having no dependents has its bad side - less purpose to life.

Well I think thats enough rambling for now. I have more I want to get out there, but that can be left for another day. BTW, just because this is a journal thread, it doesn't mean you can't reply. It would be good to know someone is reading.

JK.

I'm hearing you hun. Just try something for me. Get up in morning, make coffee, take a long hot shower, listen to the birds and then see if you have a need to go back to bed. Pulling the curtains gives darkness, not light, and hun, locking the door, brings closure when you need experience. Bring out your computor is great, gives communication, so long as its not always negative. Hope this helps and good luck for the future, huge hugs.

I've been talking to a few online contacts about S.A.D. One was a good friend I've known for years, and she mentioned she has noticed that it is always the same time of year that I struggle. The other friend says he too suffers, and that he uses Epilim to treat it. Epilims usually used to prevent seizures - but apparently can be used as a mood stabilizer too.

I have an uplight in the corner of my bedroom - it shines straight up on the walls - making everything very bright. It has a dimmer switch and i don't usually keep it at full brightness, but the past two nights I have experimented with having it on full brightness. You know what? I really have felt in a better space for it. ( at the time - not the next day). I think I'm going to try and keep it bright more often.

So I've been thinking about medication. I have spent the last 6 months or so with a rather negative opinion about them. I have been on 3 types now. Amitriptyline, Fluoxitine, Citalopram and Venlafaxine. Overall, I felt they haven't done anything. Looking back now, I can see the same pattern happened in different years. I got depressed in the Winter. The drugs didn't help. By Summer I was feeling better and stopped them. I am wondering if I didn't give Venlafaxine enough time. It was the only drug that gave me a really horrible side effect - nausea. I was on it for 1 month and didn't feel any better so stopped it.

But I have been struggling lately, and I am coming to realise it is not my life situation so much that makes me depressed. Because when I have the odd good day, my problems seem insignificant. But in the 90% of days when my depression is switched on, the world is an entirely different place. And lately I have found it to be so crippling. I can't think clearly. I can't concentrate on my studies. I can't type good assignments. I can't even make simple decisions. Yes, I'm going to my therapy but I think I have, reluctantly, come to accept that I need medication to change my overall mood.

I've found a couple of really worrying articles online. This one talks about study that basically says all antidepressant medications are useless! I also read about a medication called Wellbrutin - the first drug to be classified as a treatment for SAD. It sounds perfect, no side effects, very high success rate. Only problem is its not available in New Zealand! Oh well, I'm going back to my doctor on Monday. He'll either suggest I try venlafaxine again, or prescribe another drug. All I can do is be hopeful I guess.

Until next time
JK.

Hi Jaffa, I'm pleased you're going back to your Dr. The medical model says that there is a chemical imbalance in the brain (my understanding). Epilim can be used for a 'mood enhancer'. In Britain (and most likely other places) there is Light Therapy for SAD - a certain kind of light machine. Could it be the lack of sunlight on dull days - I have had it said to me to get outside on even the dullest day - the light is a bit brighter there.

As you know a bit of trial and error with ADs - hope you find one that suits - and one that doesn't have too many awful side effects - I now take an 'old' one - Dopress (the original one I was given - have tried others) - it is extremely common for us NOT to want to take meds! Hugs, Daze

Hi Jaffa, you mentioned Wellbrutin, I asked my dr could i go on it.... he said he had been able to get funding for one patient of his..... but it is so expensive. It is crazy they have this med that seems to be helping so many with depression with low side effects.... Companies who love money more than helping people is shameful.

I'm really pleased you are trying different ways of lifting mood. I may not reply but i do read your journal... I am learning also from you. Arohanui

I take Parnate ....so many side effects grrrr but over 3yrs of trying different meds and the horrible journey from one to the next-this is the only drug to release me from 'harming myself' I would prefer Wellbrutin

just because i WANT to these hugs are true and heartfelt..... like so many others have sent

((((((((( HUGS))))))))))))

Thanks for your comments Poetry and Peterspam.

One of the biggest things that frustrates about this horrible disease is how much doubt I have. I have had all weekend to do an assignment, but I just haven't felt motivated to do it. Can I blame this damn illness, or am I just completely lazy? I know I would *like* to be more motivated, but I still don't know how to answer this question.

So I've conceded that I can't fight this freak'n illness on my own. I've been back to the doctor and he has put me on fluoxetine. I tried it once in the past (and 3 others) and found it ineffective. This time I'm on a higher dose... I guess we will see. Sigh... feels I'm going round in circles.

jaffa,
you may recall I recently gave away my chemical prescriptions for depression,bar the Pain killers(which i still need)and these included fluoxitine,as well as a mood thing,reboxitine.
It took me along time to get into the chemical way of life,to accept i needed drugs;I think it were the mental-health stigma still functioning thro my sub-concious mind.I have a strong ego.

Hang in here,
and take the drugs.
It is easier to work(on your own)with chemical assistance onboard bringing your life-energy up to function Normally.

Therapy is what makes for healing;drugs dont.They are an aide only.

If you need any information or insight into this or more personal matters,
PM Me!
love
gm

Just thought that I'd post that I'm doing ok. Its only been 3 days since I've taken the medication - so others have suggested its just coincedence that I'm starting to feel better.

It might be that this is the last week of uni for a while and I'm starting to feel the pressure ease.

Whatever it is, I'm liking this feeling of contentment

Yeahhhhhhhhh for you Jaffa!!!!! Me too.....the weather is so much better down here in dunnerz...maybe what is helping too????

Medication seems to have stopped the severe low mood. The overwhelming feeling of not being able to cope. Sadly, it probably stops most other feelings too.

It still doesn't give me a reason to live. It doesn't give me any reason to get out of bed in the morning. It doesn't make any aspect of my life enjoyable or worth looking forward to.

I'll just stay in bed. I wish I could go back to sleep.

Hey Jaffa

I have no words JK just these and you know i mean them!!!

(((((((((( HUGS )))))))))

Ur beautiful JK

Its good to have you back Poetry

Life is just annoying. When we have problems, we live for the day we dont have problems. When we don't have problems, life is still just boring and pointless.

I posted that in another thread, and it SOOO describes where I am at right now. During the uni semester, I long for the day where assignments and exams are no longer due. Now that this day has come, I suddenly have all this free time, and while there is plenty I could be doing, there is nothing I feel like doing.

I'm thinking I might use the time to look after myself a bit. Maybe go to the gym everday. But I hate winter, and am spending a hell of a lot of time in bed. The frustrating thing is I know I should be enjoying this time. Sigh.

Rest time is good Jaffa.... some de-stressing also. You've had a lot to cope with. So my advice would be

Then when you get tired of that... go with the flow, no pressure, no rules... be kind to jaffa days... When you feel like Gym..Go.

Arohanui Jaffa - so pleased you got through your studies. Huge pat on the back. Hugs too.

good luck with the exam today jaffa

sorry jaff got you confused with roz, hope your having a good day,

No problem mylife. You know, as long as nobody's replied to a message you've posted, you are able to delete them by clicking the 'X' next to quote and edit.

I wish Roswell best of luck in his exam too

I'm having a good day. Have decided to be productive. JK.

good for you JK,

A post I just made to my own personal blog. Perhaps an insight into my behaviour here recently.

They say different antidepressants effect different people in different ways. I’ve been on a semi-high dose of fluoxetine for about a month now. At first I thought it was great. Where I used to have feelings of stress and panic – not being able to cope – now i just have feelings of apathy. I am not completely numb – as I often feel frustration, and a couple of nights ago I had some upsetting news which reduced me to tears.

On the whole though – I just feel ‘meh’ about everything. I just don’t seem to care anymore. I dont feel like doing anything. Lately I’ve just been spending days in bed. Yes, I’m glad I no longer feel that I can’t cope, but I’m clearly still depressed. I have no motivation. I have no wants. I have no enjoyment.

And I’m turning cold. It happened last time I was on drugs and its happening again this time. During that last time I broke up from the best relationship I have ever had.

I belong to a forum for people with depression. Recently somebody younger than me has been posting a lot of posts such as “I just swallowed 10 panadol” or “I’m sick of this world – will probably end it all soon” etc. My responses have been cold. ”I wish people would just ask for help, instead of being attention seeking drama queens etc”. Other people on the forum have commented that my comments are unhelpful and out of line. Me, I don’t even feel bad about it. I wonder if I would had I not been on drugs.

I’m lying here wondering why these types of posts annoy me. I think a big part of it is frustration. Me and other regulars on the forum are also coping with depression on an everyday basis. But at least we are mature about it. We try to help ourselves, we ask questions in the right manner. It just annoys me when people swan in and make silly attention seeking threats. Is their current situation somehow a bigger deal than what is an everyday reality for me?

I don’t know why I get so critical of others. I don’t know why I turn so cold and uncaring. Inside I know I am anything but. These drugs obviously aren’t for me doc. I’d rather not cope and be a nice person, than be a cold ice queen with no friends left. And I want to give a damn about things. Is that too much to ask?

Hey Jaffa, me old buddy

When I am really low, I am super critical of others, then I am more than super critical of myself.

While we may not concur with our thoughts here on TBBD of anywhere else for that matter, we are still friends, and always will be now.

We are both part of a wide 'cyber' family - an extention of our own friends and family.

Re the

Me and other regulars on the forum are also coping with depression on an everyday basis. But at least we are mature about it. We try to help ourselves, we ask questions in the right manner. It just annoys me when people swan in and make silly attention seeking threats. Is their current situation somehow a bigger deal than what is an everyday reality for me?

While depression is symptomatically similar for all of us, we all cope differently and we all have different tolerance levels for depression. (well that is what I think anyway). Their current situation may be bigger than Texas to them, but smaller than Waiheke to you if you were to compare them to your situation.

My belief if you (hopefully) don't mind me saying so, is that we are not here to be judged. We are here to be supported.

You are a good person, and you will get through this.

Hi Jaffa,

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry qwerky,

No one is in the wrong here.

I have spent the last 2 days in Wellington, supporting a friend in need. I feel good and proud of myself for having done it - but at the same time I am emotionally exhausted and its good to be back.

One of the perks of my weekend was meeting Roswell from this site - who really is a nice guy and great to talk to.

I think I will spend my Friday resting.

Hey nice to hear from you Poetry, hope you are ok.

Hey Jaffa, nice to see you posting again and sorry you are feeling down.

Sometimes we are so unmotivated, but yes try to take the time to rest up and enjoy if you can..

Thinking of you lots lately and the exam results.