My Black Hole Descends already

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My Black Hole Descends already

Post by IBMAREE on Sun Feb 06, 2011 4:19 am

Oh God work tomorrow. Its around this time on a Sunday afternoon I start feeling sick to my stomache its no secret around home that I am really unhappy in my job For those who don't know me say at least you have a job well that may be but with my depression it just makes me sink deeper and deeper into my black hole that I drown in. Others say get a new job well yes that is a solution but once again my black hole is there and thought of going for job interviews makes me sicker still. So you might say im stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. I cant afford to be without a job in todays world who can? So once again tonight I wont sleep or if I do on and off and dont feel like i've slept at all a great way to start my week. A week from hell and once again I hang in there until Friday. Ah but the thing is soon its Sunday afternoon again so you see my problem. Once again a vicious cycle which there is not a snowballs chance in hell of breaking. Thanks for letting me vent everyone
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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by peter on Sun Feb 06, 2011 7:45 am

I so know what you mean. I have the same problem and am still working through it. Always mid afternoon Sunday I would remember I had work the next day and the dread descended.
Of course I thought it was the job and changed to a new job and as you say a year or so later the same thing began again. I started taking more and more sick leave until it was noticed by my wife and boss. They told me to see my doctor and that is when I was diagnosed as depressed. I think I was the only one surprised by this but everything suddenly made a lot more sense - the problem was not the job but me!.

Since then I have been working part time to hold things together and working on myself, first with therapy to find ways to cope and since then with meditation. I would love to find a less stressful job but a year later we are still trying to climb out of the debt caused by my breakdown, so there is no chance of that.

I know that none of this is any use to you but thanks for posting - I thought I was the only one in this position. If there is anything I can help with, please ask.

I think Churchill said - When you find yourself in hell, keep going!"

good luck and keep going

peter
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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by Guest on Sun Feb 06, 2011 7:33 pm

its followed me round for a couple of decades every job i take I end up in trouble of some sort or other. I am determined I will not leave this job in that state. Am aiming high and convincing myself i want to be here, its not just the money, good location, and good hours that keep me here. I have a long way to go, but am still trying.

Dear Maree ..
keep looking at you and how you can cope and (maybe) feel better in each minute.. hour.. day.. on Sundays work out what you are going to do for yourself on Monday... make the work secondary and the YOU comes first. (it takes the focus away from dread. )

Gosh ..I should practice what i preach eh?

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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by nzmum on Sun Feb 06, 2011 8:07 pm

Totally can relate, (((((hugs)))) maree, dreading a place where you spend so much of your time is an awful situatuion to be in.

i agree tho that a change of job may not nessasarily fix the situation, or tho depending on the circumstances, it might, and understand what you mean about job interviews, the idea of them can be so overwhelming and scarry.

hang in there and i hope your day today goes ok


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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by IBMAREE on Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:55 am

Hi thankyou so much for your support. Peter you gave me an idea about sickleave. I have decided everynow and then I will have a long weekend off starting next weekend I have taken 2 days holiday. Its not much but it will be some breathing space.
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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by Guest on Mon Feb 07, 2011 8:02 am

what a great idea!

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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by peter on Mon Feb 07, 2011 9:40 pm

I agree - excellent idea, much better than what I ended up doing by leaving it too late (taking sick leave and lying in bed feeling guilty and sorry for for myself)

The short weeks will help as well, and if you can get some space while you are off it will give a chance to look at why you feel this way and think of ways to cope.
(in my case it was terribly low self esteem which I have overcome with more learning, the citalopram has helped as well of course)

peter
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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by IBMAREE on Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:27 am

Hey Peter if I could stay in bed all day I would. In fact last week when i hurt my leg I persuaded my Dr to give me an extra day off just because I couldnt face going to work the next day. Although I was in pain I could have gone to work cos I have an office job. I just couldnt face it. I hve been to counselling psychologists the lot. The major issues I have had in my life are mostly resolved. I don't know where to go from here in fact im very very lost
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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by peter on Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:09 pm

I have the same problem - I feel fine except when I think about work.
There is something about it that is a trigger for it all . . .

I progressed by taking a trip down to the library to the self help section and then taking some time alone for some quiet reflection about what I want from life and what is important to me.

I don't know about you but there seems to be lots of help at first but once you can operate reasonably well again you are suddenly on your own, a dangerous place for relapse I would have thought. But then I am no psychologist . . .

I wonder how other people here have managed?

peter
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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by IBMAREE on Thu Feb 10, 2011 5:29 am

I agree with you about suddenly after help you are totally on your own. Even after my suicide attempt last year i went back to work after 2 days. Went to a counsellor didnt really help this time either. As I have said before been there done that. After reading other peoples posts it seems like its the same for everyone.
I have said before I thought most of my issues were resolved but after reading your post a light switch went on. Yes I too have massive low esteem. In fact I dont and never have had a very good opinion of myself. I have zero confidence and although you would never know it as I put on a good front. No wonder I have such a big black hole.
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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by peter on Fri Feb 11, 2011 7:20 am

You've hit it on the head there I think - "I put on a good front" it seems to be something we depressives are very good at, so good in fact that the rest of my family (mum, sister, brother) were very surprised when I was finally diagnosed after hiding it for nigh on 30 years!

Have you read "I had a black dog"?

Its weird how no matter how good we are at things or what other people say, our own low self esteem overpowers it all. I am working on myself with meditation as it seems to do everything that cognitive therapy does but without having to write lists. There is a long thread on the board here somewhere about meditation (although I haven't read it myself). It is working for me but each of us has to find what works for us individually.

I wonder what it is about work that particularly triggers things for you, and how it could be changed?

enjoy your days off, I hope you do something nice, just for yourself

peter

ps how did your week go?

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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by IBMAREE on Fri Feb 11, 2011 10:27 am

I intend to enjoy my time off. Weekend with family in and out of our home. Might head to a favorite haunt and have a coffeee on Monday and totally relax.
I have tried meditation but cant keep my head quiet long enough.
As for my trigger for work I dont know I wish I did. But every Sunday its the same thing the black hole desceds.

My woarking week has been the same as last week no change.
Thankyou so much for your support
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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by Bluebird1 on Fri Feb 11, 2011 8:42 pm

I know what you mean about finding the energy and motivation to go job hunting. When that black dog is following even what would normally seem like quite a small thing can sometimes become overwhelming. Setting up interviews and putting your best foot forward is a huge thing to do at any time let alone when you aren't feeling the bightest. If you feel less anxious and down when not working could you afford to take a part time job? Either shorter hours, or the same amount of hours but less days? Some self help books are good reading but, like a poster above, I am not keen on all the list writing, when it gets to that stage in the book I either skip to the next bit or put the book down and leave it down. One thing I find with a lot of them is that they describe so exactly some of the things I either feel, or have at some time felt but when it comes to answers they are nowhere near as clear. It seems more and more clear to me that we are all on an individual path and what works for one may very well not be the answer for another. Still it is really great to have a safe place to share our experiences and feelings and maybe taking a bit from one person and a bit from another we may be able to stitch up something that works for us as individuals.
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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by IBMAREE on Sat Feb 12, 2011 3:30 am

Bluebird do you ever get a self help book and try what it suggests stick at it and at it but give up in the end as you feel its not doing you any good. I have this problem and yes you guessed it I get more depressed than I was when I started the self help book in the first place!
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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by Bluebird1 on Sat Feb 12, 2011 4:52 am

Yes I am familiar with that feeling. With me it was the feelings of guilt because I couldn't be bothered doing the numerous lists that were required and I often wondered whether the whole thing would have worked if only I had been more committed to following their programme properly. And ofcourse with that guilt came deeper depression. Other times I get that eureka moment and know that my life has changed for ever - until a couple of days after the book is finished and real life intrudes on cloud nine again. In saying all that I have to admit very gratefully that, although I am still taking anti depressants I have not been more than 'normally' depressed very occassionally for a long time. My problems are much easier to handle as they are just physical and although they may not be able to be cured I can make the choice of getting on with having a full life in my own way or just being a misery guts. At the end of the day I can choose to be happy or not within myself whereas when that black dog is around no matter how healthy, wealthy, loved, surrounded by beauty or any other thing can lift that cloud and chase the dog away. Wish I had a magic wand.
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My Black Hole descends already

Post by Martine on Sat Feb 12, 2011 4:18 pm

Dear IB Maree

Lots of people seem to be moving to Australia now, this might leave jobs open for the rest of us.


Last edited by Martine on Sun Feb 13, 2011 12:27 pm; edited 4 times in total (Reason for editing : spelling)

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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by peter on Sun Feb 13, 2011 2:19 am

I have found as well that books on depression only go so far and as regards recovery afterwards books on life changing or finding purpose have been much more useful.

One bit of writing I have done (came from Stephen Covey's book I think) is to write mission statement for myself - another way would be to write your own obituary , how would you like to be remembered.

Either way could be quite illuminating if you don't know where to go next.

peter
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Re: My Black Hole Descends already

Post by Martine on Sun Feb 13, 2011 5:43 am


good thinking Peter, hmmm a Mission Statement.

That's a great idea.

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