My Little Black Voice

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My Little Black Voice

Post by Millie25 on Tue Oct 12, 2010 4:04 am

I look. I hear. I breathe. I think. I feel. I exist.
I look. I see a horrible world of shadows that engulfs me. The darkness over rides the sun which gives up in defeat.
I look. I see an ugly, fat person staring back at me. Her unruley, messy hair that never looks right. Her big pointy nose, her squinty eyes. Her crooked smile on a landscape of pimples, volcanoes and craters. She has yellow teeth, massive ears and overal a face never to be wished for.
I look. I see. Her stomach is massive with its many rolls and bulges. The ugly scars where she has taken to herself with a knife, the discolouration and pigmentation scars a results of late night rages with chemicals to punish herself. Her huge hips make her look like one giant hour glass.
I look. I see. Her huge thunder thighs. Her massive tree stump legs and the flabs of disgusting fat. She is one big slob.
I look. I see. ME!!!!!!!
I hear. I hear the words ugly, fat, stupid, idiot, obese, no hoper, dumb, loner, no good, bitch, volcano face, crazy, mental, retard, failure, pig headed, ignorent.
I breathe. But for every breath I take I wish it were my last.
I think. I think a lot of things, most of my thinking is chaotic, doesnt make sense, its like a blender, its weird, its crazy, abstract, not logical and impulsive.
I feel. I feel nothing. I feel alone. I feel empty. I feel alienated.
I exist for now.

Millie25

Number of posts : 26
Location : Auckland
Registration date : 2010-10-11

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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by Martine on Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:44 am

Dear Millie

What a fantastic piece of emotive writing, which I am sure so many of us on here identify with.

Yes depression is a dirty black horrible bitch which takes away the smiles and sunshine from our lives, but she is not you, she is another entity all together from which we have to distract our thoughts or she has won.

Don't let her because there is no victory, she is cunning and cruel once she has us. Look above her over her and round her, don't let her make eye contact with you.

You don't exist, you live.

Love Martinexx

Martine

Number of posts : 367
Location : Christchurch
Registration date : 2009-12-24

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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by Apricot on Wed Oct 13, 2010 6:34 am

whats needed for black words, is a black box, to lock them all up in.

ive said it before and no doubt Ill say it again, one day at a time.

Was with my councelor today and she noticed my negative self talk and is going to bring some reading for me. Feel excited, hopeful. Next appt cant come soon enough.

Keep On Keeping On!
by Joyce Meyer
Various thoughts run through our minds every day—some good, some bad.
Our natural temptation is to focus on the bad, so accepting them
doesn’t take any effort. The effort comes in being determined to cast
down the negative thoughts and take a firm grasp of the positive ones.

Positive minds full of faith and hope produce positive lives. The
opposite is also true—negative minds full of fear and doubt produce
negative lives, which can ultimately destroy your life. Some people
have been hurt so many times that they don’t think they can face the
pain of another letdown. Therefore, they refuse to hope so they won't
be disappointed.

Battles are fought in our minds every day. When we begin to feel the
battle is just too difficult and want to give up, we must choose to
resist negative thoughts and be determined to rise above our problems.
We must decide that we’re not going to quit. When we’re bombarded with
doubts and fears, we must take a stand and say: "I’ll never give up!

Hugs Millie.
XO
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Apricot

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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by Martine on Thu Oct 14, 2010 9:59 am

Hi
Apricot just to say I have thought about those words of Joyce Meyers you shared with us. Its true we have to cast out forcefully those dark thoughts and ideas which beset us daily.

It is easier but more destructive to accept the little shits into our heads than to make the effort to erase them with a positive notion, action or thought.

Cheers Martine

Martine

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Location : Christchurch
Registration date : 2009-12-24

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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by Guest on Thu Oct 14, 2010 9:32 pm

'Battles are fought in our minds everyday' so, so true, thanks Apricot for sharing Meyers with us.

Hi millie25 and warm welcomes to TBBD and cyber-space hugs to you. I hope you are able to reach out in the physical world also and ask for help. Asking for help is a huge step, but one you wont regret. Helplines could be a place to start. Talking and sharing with others helps us to know we are not alone, i am sending out huge kick ass prayers that today is the day you can pick up your phone and ask for help. Aroha

Take care Millie5 I love you

Poetry

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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by musicool on Fri Oct 15, 2010 3:32 am

Hi thought this information might be help-ful.

Depression
0800 111 757
Lifeline
0800 543 354 or within Auckland area 522 2999
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musicool

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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by Millie25 on Fri Oct 15, 2010 3:52 am

Thanks everone for the advice and support, and yes I have to agree that it is extremely difficult to ask for help however have since seen my GP who has reffered me to a mental health agency (quite scarey I think) but yea will see what happens from there

Millie25

Number of posts : 26
Location : Auckland
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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by Martine on Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:20 am

Millie I am glad to know that you are getting help we isolate ourselves in our aloneness with this illness far too much for fear of ridicule,

I know how lost you feel but hopefully you will come through stronger still and able to take better care of YOURself and be nicer to YOU.


Martine

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Location : Christchurch
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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by mistameenah on Sun Nov 07, 2010 10:32 am

wow millie, that poem is beautiful in its sadness
and i totally relate all that you describe in it
keep writing millie
you are amazing
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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by Martine on Mon Nov 08, 2010 1:12 pm

Hi Millie

Any news of you lately have you had your referral yet?

Hugs to you from wobbly Christchurch.

Martine

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Location : Christchurch
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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by Millie25 on Mon Nov 08, 2010 5:24 pm

hmmmmmmmmm long story, but no, im not going ahead woth refferal after a major breech of confidentiality on the nurses behalf, so they can learn the hard way.

Millie25

Number of posts : 26
Location : Auckland
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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by Paddy on Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:44 am

Whom are you punishing, hon?

Believe me, I have similar thoughts to yours about confidentiality breaches by psych nursing staff, but those who can't keep their traps shut really is a tiny minority.

Those buggers who have hurt you by that breach - they'll still get paid whether you go or not to your appointments - -so why not make them work for their money, eh?

I'm worried that whilst you are concentrating on making 'them' learn the hard way, you're not going to be making much in the way of progress. Use that service Millie and get as much out of 'them' as you possibly can to add to the tools in your self-help toolbox.

And let the Health and Disability Commissioner know what has happened - maybe you can be instrumental in having those service providers change their ways without it being also really hard on you.

Take gentle care, hon

Paddy.
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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 14, 2010 7:09 pm

when I was younger there was a saying .. you dont hear it so much now...

"dont cut your nose off to spite your face.."

the only person who is losing out by you not using your appoitnments is.. you.. sorry hun, like Paddy says use them, get what you can...


Last edited by wowinnz on Mon Dec 06, 2010 7:00 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: My Little Black Voice

Post by Martine on Mon Dec 06, 2010 7:45 am

yep don't get mad, get even.

Martine

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Re: My Little Black Voice

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