Not coping

Hi, I am new here. I got link from trademe but have recently had to close my account there. Have had depression for over 20 years and been on Effexor (3x75mg) for the past 4 years. My life has been ok until recently, I was even waking up in the morning and quietly acknowledging how good it was. I need to keep my life very simple or I become overwhelmed. I have multiple chronic conditions and a special needs child but thought I was ok. The reason I had to close TM account was family 'found' me. We have been a close family until my brother rang and screamed abuse at me. It was over another family member's situation and he was extremely personal and final. They don't want to have contact with me. After crying for 30 hours solid I considered ending my life. The prospect of my own family hating me is surreal but it is true. The only thing keeping me here is my son - the rest of them won't miss me. I have been to my GP and asked for help before and they sent me to a counsellor which didn't help. I approached another Dr and they sent me to a hospital psychologist but that didn't help. They merely confirmed what I already knew and that is that I have a difficult life. Sounds like a pity party? Yes it is because I'm just too tired to see the half full glass. I don't love myself. I don't like myself. I don't even want to be me.

Hello unknown ............. Welcome to TBBD .... being part of the group might be helpful to you.

There are lots of posts and subjects for you to browse, at your own pace.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad - family can be very insensitive - to put it mildly - at times.

It sounds to me as if you have a 'lot on your plate' to cope with. Keeping things simple is a very good strategy. I do hope it's useful for you to be here. There's a chatroom at the bottom of the homepage - people come and go there. You need to be logged in to use chat.

Daze

Unknown,

Hiya and as my dear friend Daze says, Welcome to our family here at TBBD.

I'm so very pleased that you have your Son - and as horrid as now and the recent past must be for you, there will be more good times, more days when you let yourself enjoy little things and big things too.

I'm a 'Family' failure, sorry, I have never since I was a toddler been able to understand how families work - I just knew it wasn't the way The Waltons showed it. Not much help, am I?

Welcome and Gentle Care of You, eh? Ya have to be gentle with you now you're here - its kinda an unwritten rule I must write down one day, pfffft.

Paddy.

Thanks for your welcome. I have been hanging around reading posts etc and I know I am not alone. Just at the moment that doesn't help but hope that it will one day. I can't see a way out of this black hole at the moment. In the past 20 years I have got on and off the rollercoaster so I'm assuming I can again. Thinking very very hard I can't think of anyone I hate in this world. I hate some people's actions or words but not the person. To be confronted with my own family hating me that much still has me shaking my head in disbelief. I am not a bad person, I don't get angry or abusive towards people with my depression. I withdraw so I won't upset anyone and that is seen as anti social. So be it. I have begun to wonder recently about my anxiety levels? Does Effexor help with this also? In recent months I find myself making excuses not to be in a gathering of people. Strangers are fine - like at the movies. But family, friends (not that I have many) and neighbours make me want to run and hide. I am also aware of an increase in paranoia and concern over what people think of me. This is anxiety right?