silent screams

thats nice Poetry, but I dont want to be here anymore, although I will miss the support and the lovely people here.

I will have to find somewhere else to hang out. I dont want to be part of a site for which the administrator does not meet legal requirements.

Trouble is I want my posts removed, especially this journal.
Will have to wait to see if Pat can do that.

I'm sure that if I piss him off enough he will make it happen.

I don't want you to go either. Please take a moment to weigh up whether you really feel that what you don't like about this site outweighs everything you get out of it.

I don't agree with recent actions either, but I like what I get out of this site.

If you want to remove posts you have to go to edit, and one by one delete. The thing is though Wowinnz your posts have helped others, and your posts have supported others...and meant lots more i hope to you...

Take care Wowinnz, I hope you will be here tomorrow

Can I suggest that you go back to your first journal entry and look at the month and the year.... and look how far you have come and how much you have done for others. I mean it wowinnz when I say I will miss you.

thats nice of you both. makes me think... so i will post again now...because that is what I do when I feel like thinking out loud.
we are all here for what we get as well as what we can give.. the latest readers digest arrived today and has a huge article on people helping other people for the love of it. helping other people rates highly in the lsit of things we like to do.

the thought that anyone on a board would want me to stay.. was more surprising than you might have expected.

I used to manage a group mostly for supporting and motivating other women. i did it for years, and we had a great time.. and then one day some crazy bitch of a member took exception to my posts. She had started slagging off her husband. the group was supposed to be supportive and encouraging. I never told her i didn't like her posts.. just that .. and not in these words,, it was several years ago... that slagging off our partners/ spouses etc.wasn't cool.. . and i would rather she didn't do it on the site thanks very much.

perhaps she felt guilty .. who knows... She went balistic. emailed and text me abusively, left the group in a huff, accused me of having all sorts of opinions I never held etc etc.... I really was pleased to see the back of her but my self esteem took a huge whack. And I learned that no matter how much you like people you 'Meet" on the net they are only in your life til they leave. not a damnt hing you can do about it. . soon after that MSN did away with groups and I let the whole thing go rather than battle on.

I was in another one, which was based in the UK. a KIWI woman got abusive towards another member.. I left...

Now I have witnessed paddy abuse Ros. (bringing up someones past in order to belittle them is nasty) I need company, community, caring and compasion.
I do not need CONFLICT.

I tried leaving the group and realised that there is no option to delete your posts when you leave.. why had I not noticed that there is no delete option anywhere on this site? thats wierd.

Yes I'm touchy on the subject of members right to respect.
Yes I think we should give people the benefit of the doubt
Maybe we would still have Ros in the group if Paddy had done that.
I question why Paddy was so quick to think the worst of Ros. As far as I Know they have never met face to face. Ros's past does have an element of public record, none of which was relevant to the post Paddy made a fuss about.


Years back I learned that an apology stills the rough seas of conflict.
What would it have cost Paddy to apologise? to assume the best of Ros rather than jump to the worst possible assumption. ?

am I being a bit hard on him.. ? asking him to apologise? He is a grown up that will not say sorry. how sad. instead his reaction is nasty and harsh.

I did a course recently called plain english writing.

the crux of their message was be careful what you put in print.. you never know how the words will be read... there is no body language to help the reader understand your meaning.

I came off that course ..a week later the CHCH quake hit ( feb 22) a couple of days later, while I was up to my EYEBALLS as a result of the quake . One of my superiors took exception to an email I wrote in reply to a question he had asked. It was a question he should have known the answer to. not only did he not like my ,very careful and comprehensive, reply because it was "a bit terse" (such bullshit) he expected me to go out of my way to do somehting that is not my job and was not appropriate to do in the first place. I went balistic. completely lost it.

what is the point in applying your learning, to improve your communication skillls if such things happen even when you are trying hard? ( NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH can you hear that little voice too?)

I didn't get an apology from the crazy member
I dont get an apology from the work guy
the abusive person in the other group did not apologise
Ros doesn't get an apology from Paddy..

hows that for a theme?

this has been a pure brain dump and may not make sense or seem very orderly because it jumps around over several events spanning several years... but thats ok, it has given me some clarity.. it has been good to do and will be deleted at some point anyway.

it would be nice to think that I have eased someone's mind here on the board. its a two way thing after all then. surprise surprise.

I'm not a cry wolf sort of person. I am not threatening to leave the group. I dont make threats.. I will get all my posts deleted before I go. If the tone of the group changes for the better while I am doing that I might stay. it will take me a while to delete posts one by one. I hope there will be somewhere else I can hang out.. i'm here too often as it is anyway,, too reliant, too needy. too dependant on the group for my daily dose of community. I thought it was a lifeline because i was depressed. And I was but I'm not depressed anymore.. still taking the meds so I dont crash back down again though. I have that hurdle to jump next.. stay on or get off the train.. risk walking on the tracks unsupported? i dont think I can take that risk. If I lose it at work again my boss will have a fit, and as far as he knows I haven't done that for a few months now. i dont want him to have any ammunition, because if I ever need to change jobs I will need a reference. Short and curlies stuff.

I dont like that people can read the posts without being members... there are mental health professionals reading these posts.. reviewing the site for compliance, judging, not contributing. If thats you.. piss off. get your jollies elsewhere.

There are still lots of reasons why i dont want to be here but i'm like a moth... hammering away against the glass, not knowing anything but the light and the need to get to it.

So many posts here are tragic, Not so many since the last quake, but so many that my heart breaks for you. the cure seems so much worse than the disease eh? medicine seems to be the root of the problem but its a necessary evil for some, and for some it is a life long struggle. No instant remedies here.

I've also seen the result of someone who cries wolf.. and some who have come and gone after only a few scary tragic posts.. are they still with us but just not posting? walking wounded.

enough from me
good night..

I had a look at the whole journal... yep there were a couple of comments that my post had helped someone.
looking back over the last year I am amazed that things are not all that different. No 1 son lives with his dad now. thats the biggest change. no2 son has a girlfriend and has turned into a reasonable facsimily of a human being, especially since he broke his arm.. ok that is a big improvement.

I still feel weak, useless,and fat, ugly.. shall I go on .. i dont think so...
I'm a year older and still the same person.

oh gosh.. maybe thats the problem.. maybe one of those major questions that I should have been asked early on was .. do you really think you can change enoughto make your life better?
I dont.

i have spent a great deal of time deleting posts today in preparation for leaving.

I've discovered you can delete a thread if you are the only one that posted in it and you can delete a post if it is the last one in the thread, otherwise you have to empty the thread by editing it. so it stays there, empty.

haven't started on the journal yet. lots more rubbish to delete first.

the really ironic thing is that I joined the group exactly 1 year ago today.

and I'm out of here.. exactly one year from when I arrived.. hilarious.

I'm sorry you felt that was necessary.

Take care, Wow.

maybe not necessary JK, but totally cathartic.. I feel like I have tossed out the pain of all the texts and I feel quite relieved that they are gone.. I haven't gone thorough every thread i posted in but I got most of them I think.

Happy to keep in touch... just not here. see ya