Me. what makes me me......grrr. just the start

I feel really bad today.

Sleep just doesnt happen very much, and when it does, its very disrupted, be it by bad dreams or pain.
Thismorning at around 6 I could no longer handle being awake, I took 2 slpeeping tablets. I got just under 2 hours. Better than nothing I know, but I feel like crap.

I have battled all my life with this. At thirteen or thereabouts I attempted suicide with my medication. I was sent to a pychologist for the first ever time. Nothing ever came of it, I honestly dont remember if I was kept on any medicine, or what..... At fifteen, I was told by a doctor, If you keep drinking like this you will have a problem!
Yep, I have that problem, tears are in my eyes as I write this, I feel so heart sore. So sad. I always have felt these feelings. Alone.
It would be very easy to drink to numb my feelings, I have done so many times in my life. But I try very hard to stay away from it. I knw it doesnt help at all, only for the immediate moment. I will write agian. I need to do this for me. I just feel so sad. Already to day I have had a huge row with my partner. I have always had an extrememly weird life, and still do.

I really dont want any comments please. I just need to write this for me.
Thanks for understanding.

Dammit. I have the news my ex partner is having his new lady friend come. And her kids.
Oh shit. what a mix up. I am with her ex. then she got with my ex. What a fuckin mess. Lawyers tell me it is actually not that uncomon. Guess it starts with the fact the need to talk to someone about shit.

I know she does not like my children, she has said this in black and white, i have been able to show this to lawyers for godsakes. Lawyers recomended to him, to not take my kids to her house. they are in his care. I have no rights, have spoken to my lawyer etc. My heart hurts so much, to have my kids have to put up with this bitch. I donot call her this lightly, she had to be tresspassed from my mothers house when she barged in the door and would not leave.

My god I feel so sad and sick. I hate what has happened. ....What is happening.

Not a good day, hasnt been a good time, fullstop.

I have yet again begun to binge eat. I started this when I was still at school....that was many years ago.
I could drink, god Id love to drink. Why did MHU say when I was off the booze completley they would see if I was bipolar, teh once I was off, not test as such, only say no, we dont think you are.....I tried to do myself in as a young teen, I have always felt like shit.

My kids were dropped off before christmas. Because of so much having gone on, in the past, I didnt even see them for six months. I now almost feel like a stranger, to not only myself, to them too. The youngest a boy, just wants to go to Dad. And dad, the rotten bastard wont even give me his phone number......thus,in an emergency, he would have to be contacted via police, but, then he always did lick police dicks.

I feel so much sadness and anger. I hate me, and I hate many others, who new what was happening in my relationship with the father, but at the point of breakup, stood back, never said a word of defence for me,all the time when they were involved with us as afamily saying what a wonderful mother I was etc.

then I lose my kids. Now I barely no my kids, and what I see, I sadly see so much of the fathers being in them. All so literal, so argumentative. All I want is peace, I feel so much self internal turmoil, that to hear children fight and bicker almost make s me scream.

I cant stand my life. My mother is going blind. That makes me very sad. She is all I have, there is no one else, so, I jhave so little support.
All my phobias are haunting me big time, my eldest child snuck around a corner, jumped out clapping his hands. I nearly hit the roof I jumped so high. I am a nervous wreck. I am having huge issues simply getting up town to shop etc. I have agrophobic and social ancxieties.

i could live happily on an island, just alone. It would make my life so much simpler.
Im so sad. I ache inside.

Hello Apricot I'm sorry to hear that things aren't good for you at the moment and that you are feeling sad. It's no wonder you feel the way you do, you've been through a lot in your life and that ammount of stress would take it's toll on any of us. I don't have children but can understand that it must be difficult dealing with an ex and the children that live with him. I'm also sorry to hear about your Mum and the fact that she is going blind. That must be distressing for both her and you. Sweets, I want you to take care of yourself even though you don't feel like doing that. I'm sending lots of cyber ((((hugs)))) your way and hope that you feel better soon.

Thanks Becks, I appreciate your support. xo

I feel so sad. It came to the point where I had to get the father to pick up the kids.
They were doing things I found intolerable, and would not stop their behaviour as I asked. I will not have them kicking my daughter,
(their natural sister) adn calling her a f'ing whore. She is ten years old. I am very aware its all indicitave of the issues that have been ongoing since we all lived together. The boys both need some councelling, which I had more than once said to lawyers was needed, but no, I am never dam well heard. I have to get something done this time. Its totally unacceptable, to go on the way they did. I also need to address the fact the father dropped them off, I was told by the children, hes picking us up in 3 weeks, no is it ok or any such thing adressed to me from him.

In court letters, it was to be one week. I had raised this with my lawyer, who said its all signed, lets just see how it goes..........and so, here it is, he has his ladyfriend, for 3 weeks, to whihc is clearly why I ws to have them for this period. I shake my head.

For me, my kids, society.
WHAT A BLOODY MESSY WORLD.

I HATE ALL THE PAIN AND SUFFERING.