not good.

I'm not in a very good head space today

I can't explain myself for the life of me and no one is willing to listen to my explianation, they just put the full blame on me. And becasue people aren't willing to listen to me, I cry. (But I hide so they can't see me...)
I feel useless.

I'm tired and i'm working late.
I'm sick of being like this.

I'm tired of being walked over and taken advantage of.


*sigh*

Hi Qwerky, take heart hon, you do have people who care for you and don't put blame on you. Hope to catch up with you in chat or somewhere else later.

Hugs Judy

Hey Qwerky hun, we listen. May not always be able to give advise but we can at least listen. Sending hugs with warm fuzzies. Pam

hey qwerky

how are you feeling today? I hope you do feel better because you deserve to!

take care my friend,

Morning,

i'm ok. Tired, but i'm just waiting it ouy until the long weekend.
Then I will get to relax. yay

I had a catch up with my boss and she said these things to me:

She told me that I need to work on my communication and I need to work on not missing little things. (When I am TRYING and i'm not terrible at it, but she is making out like I am)

She told me I need to find things to do when i’m bored (Which I have been doing, even before the catch up I was off doing something)

She said that I used to be very good before I went of the rail.....and now i’m slowely coming back on...
She asked me what was stopping me from being how I was before(meaning before I was diagnosed I was doing really well in my job, then something happened)

She also asked me why I can’t explain things, which made me very sad because I don’t know- She told me that one day I could explain things perfectly then the next I can’t at all.

She also said that I should accept the mistakes I've made and not make excuses...(Pretty much what this tread was about..I tried to explain myself but she didn't want to hear it)

She also asked why I don't have opinions on things. I have NO idea. She made me feel useless about myself.

I guess i'm the bad guy though, as she is the boss and can tell me what to do..bla bla bla..

I'm so unhappy

Honey, just cos shes the boss, doesn't make her right, remember that. Before I lived with someone with depression, I would have been just like her, ignorant, thank god for my experience, I know so much more. Honey you are doing very well, dont let her comments bring you down, its not her fault, nor is it yours. You take care now, do your best, you are a winner for seeking help sweet and i for one am proud of you. Hugs Pam

depression is really hard to understand for anyone who hasn't been there. but plenty of us have experiences what you are experiencing... sometimes it is so incredibly frustrating not being able to the most basic functions on life, that we can do skillfully when we are well.

Just know that you are not alone, and that you won't always be in this place.

She just makes me feel bad. She is a really nice lady though, but just some of the things says is not nice, even about other people. She doesn't see the side of people having bad days, weeks, months, years..
She expects them to be totally on the ball 24/7.
It's not fair.
I'm having bad thoughts again and i'm getting scared.

What has changed in me??! I don't understand

I don't know what to do

Qwerky,

you know this will pass, take one day at a time and remember to breathe!

Have you taken any time out for you lately?

why do you care

Hello qwerky .... So sorry to hear you're not so good ... you were so bright a wee while ago. But with depression it is so easy to be 'knocked sideways' again. We all care how you are. Are you having any counselling at the moment or in the near future? A counsellor could help you identify things that get to you and help with some strategies for you to use. You deserve the best! ..... Daze

I did have a councilor, but she wasn't very good at all so I stopped- But I made her believe i was ok and I persuaded myself as well somehow.

But it's all just stupid now.
My bf doesn't understand either when he should be the one who understands the most.
He just says that I was fine before, and he tells me to stop being silly.

Why do I care?

Because I just do, you are my friend and I care because of it.

Sorry Qwerky, but that is the way it is at the moment!

Qwerky, I don't know the words to use to make your pain go away.
Life with depression is really bumpy, and believe it or not, there will be a tomorrow that is better.

Look after you, spoil yourself, eat chocolate, take a bubble bath, do something just for you, and know there are people out there that do care, and do understand.

In my heart of hearts, it's just not fair for anyone to have to go through this.

It ruins peoples lives, ruins relationships.
It's just a horrible thing to have, it truly is.

Life is just to short to have to worry about any of this, yet we all live with it daily.

Of course its not fair. But its not fair that people get cancer. Its not fair that people get born into third world countries. Its not fair that some people are disabled.

We are dealt the hand we are dealt. But the good thing about our condition, some times we have the power to do something about it.

k

I know it probably seems hopeless today qwerky, and it may even seem hopeless again tomorrow. But one day it will seem a little bit better, and then a whole lot better, and one day, you will forget you even felt like this at all. I promise.

The worse thing about our lives, is our own brain seems to work against us, I often think it would be great to be a robot, and be able to get a brain overhaul, when I needed one.

What I've really come to notice about myself and depression, is that if I have one bad day, it feels like I've been miserable and depressed forever. Conversely, if I have one good day, I can see life is good and I wonder what the hell yesterday was about.

Always remember "This too will pass"

hey qwerky - hope you are 'better' today -

How can people be so happy with life and others not so much.
I honestly have a fantastic life, I just don’t understand why I am like this- I shouldn’t be, but because I am it makes me so much more sad.

It’s just not fair and I know people have to ‘deal’ with it, as it is the only way we can get through it. But I seriously hate it. I hate it with a passion!

I want to be happy, I want to not have to worry about thinking bad thoughts, to not see the pain in the eyes of people I love. It breaks my heart. 
But I do know that if I did anything horrible the pain in their hearts wouldn’t go away. I just hate being like this because it feels like I won’t change any time soon.

I want to grow up, I want this ‘chapter’ of Lizzie to pass. I want there to be a happier chapter, but right now I seriously don’t see anything like that in the future.

I’m not suicidal- just so you know. I’m just sad that I don’t see a brighter future for myself.
I have no idea what will be out there, but i’m afraid all I’ll do is hurt the people I love and continue hurting them.

I know that since I'm thinking about it- It's almost determined to come true (eg, you think about not getting stressed but you get stressed even more)