forgive me but i am pissed off as hell and had a guts full

hi there, i may feel better after typing this all out and i may not even require any replies, i am the daughter of an alcoholic, who has also had gambling addictions - ah who am i kidding, she still does AND also likes to dabble in mixing booze with overdosing on whatever pills she may have on hand at the time.

im 32, an only child and for most of my life i have been fcked off (not sure if you can use whole swear words here) felt neglected, felt pressured, felt rubbished, used, abused, you name it and ive felt it..as im sure you are all aware of.

i have picked up the pieces when my mothers life has turned to kaka, i have lied to people to cover up for her, ive chased men out of the house, ive dragged her out of cars, ive even dragged her out of bars, the casino etc. ive had to file two missing persons reports on her over the years, ive sat at home, cried my eyes out, stressed, no sleep and while be a solo mum to my now 10 yr old son. ive taken my then newborn into hospital to meet his nana who had a metal halo drilled into her skull and had to lie on her back for months on end. ive had to make excuses to friends as to why my mother spun out over something or tried to hit on them, ive had to endure the humiliation of my sons father (then 18) tell me my mum hit on him whule drunk, i laughed it off and made out he was full of it.

ive rung various jobs of hers to tell some lie as to why she wasnt going to be in, ive had to stand outside my course class room at 16 and take in the news that the reason why my mother had not shown up at home for days on end is cos she was raped while she was drunk somewhere getting into her car. ive had the police call me to say they have my mother locked up for being asleep on the footpath in the city, ive even had the same cops call me again less than 24 hours later to say they picked her up AGAIN.

i put up with rubbish comments from my ex step dad about how much of a drunk my mother is and how she used to secretly spend the morgage money or bill funds, how she had embarresed him at some family gathering, sports function or whatever. i run into my parents old friends and listen to them go on about some drunken story they recall about my mother.

ive had to put up with being told i should have been aborted, my mother once called my then 2 yr old a poofter, drunk yet again. i had a baby 6 weeks ago and she hasnt seen her for 3 weeks yet lives in the next suburb along. recently my mother has been drunk every day and night for the last 3 weeks, she was sectioned 2 weeks ago for overdosing and today i ring her house only to have a cop answer the phone..my reaction ''wtf has she done NOW''....she was drunk, and overdosed yet again, AGAIN, ffs im so over this sh*t.

i tried to get the crisis team to go get her last week, they wouldnt, why? cos she was drunk, even though i said she rung me to say she wanted to die and i knew shed been drinking as well as had a range of heavy duty meds from when she had been sectioned. their advice get this, was for me to go sit with her for up to 8 hours, until she had completely sobered up. oh really now? so i dont have my own life, job and kids to look after eh?

i have had a guts full of this woman, i love her but i do not like her one bit. some days i swear i could go over there and knock her block off, but to gain what? nothing. 4 stints in rehab has done sweet fck all, in fact whats the point of going back the same place, she knew exactly how to talk and how to walk, easy peasy, all an act.

im sure this story isnt unique and i have no idea what im doing in here or what i want out of it but i am so angry, not just today but in general, anything to do with her and i see red and want to fight the world, and fck everyone and everything. my partner doesnt understand me or this, he was horrified that i called her a btch, where he comes from you respect your mother no mater what. respect? pfft dont talk to me about that word. how can i stop myself from wanting to kick her ass?

i guess no one has anything to add, seeing as its had a few views and no comments, perhaps it was too scarey?

Hello Fedup .... No it isn't too scary ... you did mention in the first bit of your posting that you may not require replies ... but I'm replying because I'm an 'Adult Child of an alcoholic' too and understand addictions.

Boy, these addicts can drive one mad! Some people have found Alanon groups a good thing to go to. AA is for the alcoholic - Alanon is for family members. Untangling yourself from an alcoholic can take some doing. I attended Adult Child meetings ages ago.

Have you had any counselling? If you have, or do, make sure and get someone who understands alcoholism and the roles that family members plays. Putting yourself first and saying 'No' is part of the therapy.

So sorry you have all this distress and strain in your life. Keep coming in here for support and understanding.

Daze

I'd say you have pretty good reasons for feeling like enough is enough and that you and your children have a right to your own lives, free of such ongoing behaviour.

Oh and yeah I'd say that the word 'Fuck' seems quite mild really, reading some of your experiences.

I suspect that those who have visited your Thread and not left a comment have simply not quite known what to say yet, since perhaps no solutions occurred to them, which you have not already tried.

I don't quite know what to say either;

Except that I know from very personal experience, that it is OK NOT TO LOVE ONE'S MOTHER.

Just like, its OK to not love ones Father (birth or step) or uncles or brothers or cousins or any other family member who callously choose to cause us harm.

I did not attend my Mothers Funeral Service. It took me a few years to come to terms with that decision but I have no doubt that in my situation, it was entirely an appropriate and right decision.

Tough Love doesn't always have to be Parents trying it on their Kids, does it?

I'm sorry, as I said, I too have no real answers but who knows what resources or whatever, the wise folk here have learnt of and may share?

Take kind gentle care of you please, fedup - for the sake not only of your own children, but for you too, hon. Are you getting help from Plunket or any such organisation, with your baby (Congratulations, by the way)? Why not, if its available, eh? Go on, get what you can because its your right to.

Paddy.

hi there, thanks for the replies. i have calmed down a bit only cos i have to. i just dont know what to do with her anymore, i feel like her mother, its ridiculous!

sucks to be the only child, no siblings to share this with, or at least share the burden.

i remember one time going to my mums house, a few years back, cos shed gone missing, i had to jammy a window open, it was dark, late at night and i recall preparing myself to jump in that window to be confronted by a dead body, fck, what an awful bloody thing to prepare ones self with, same with the phone calls from mums partners (recent current one and other ones over the years) i just know THAT phone call will come one day.

on one hand i feel for her, and if she died tonight id be riddled with pain and guilt that the last convo we had, it was me giving her sht, but on the other hand i cant shake this feeling of wanting to go smack her one.

i do know about alanon (sorry if thats spelled wrong) but found it too touchy feely, i dont know how to explain it lol, it just wasnt for me. i feel so angry that i got HER for a mother, but in so many ways grateful i got her.

shes never really been supportive through things that have gone on in MY life, she is not what i wanted in a nana for my kids, shes not even close to what i want in a mother. and yes even at 32, i still need and want a mother, hell why not eh, i barely had once when i was younger, so i feel like ive missed out on something.

i know i should be supportive and give a damn, but i find it very hard to. i confided in a friend today about what happened today with my mother and they were gobsmacked, me? i shrugged it off like it happens every day, well it does, not every day but its such a regular thing, how can you give a toss millions of times over? i barely get a thanks, kiss my backside for the things i do and have done for that woman, and when ever i want to talk about it, i get abuse, or hung up on, or she walks out, or she does the big CRY and asks me to leave her alone, she doesnt want to talk about it.

my way of protecting myself, would be to not get involved, what i didnt know, didnt hurt me, and i was certainly over her drop kick partners (who all knew she had issues aorund dirnking yet used to encourage her TO drink) calling me about whatever crap shed got herself into, i told them their problem, not mine. now ive got her partner (well recently ex) telling me im a fckin btch and that i dont give a sht about my mum, yeah well you get that.

*breathe in and out* lol, i dont know where else to let this out, so im glad someone mentioned this site, thanks!

oh and i also have bipolar so really need to set boundaries, maybe i wil chat here about that too one day, one issue at a time eh haha

fed-up.......

You mustnt "stop yourself from wanting to kick her ass!"

You have all the right in the world to KICK ASS.
She is your Mother, She Borned you.

After you have kicked Her Ass
dont get played into the guilt trips which will come,
"I changed your nappies and fed you when you's was a babe!" etc.

She is Playing an Old and worn-out Tape she uses on ppl to manipulate them out of their POWER so that She dosnt have to Face Up and SEE HERSELF.

You must stand firm, Kick ass
and Leave her to Rot in Her squalour....
What will happen is that when She REALLY HAS hit rock bottom
she will be faced to make a decision.

Thats when SHE WILL RIGHT HERSELF.

Ppl do right themselves.
Drug addicts do Right themselves.
BUT they have to go the Whole distance
before they can BEGIN their process.

YOU mustnt get involved in HER PROCESS.

with love
gm
Ps,
get some healing done on yourself too!
Im sending you heaps of energy with this Post.
My hope is that you are Open To It!

Hi fedup. I agree with all the others here. Sounds like you have every right to be fedup.

I have had a bit of a journey with my own mother, too, though not as intensely as your own. Sometimes I have found myself thinking "I'll be happier when shes dead". And I dont mean it vindictively either. I love my mother, but I have become sick of getting hurt by the things that she does and the way that she is.

I sometimes questioin if theres something wrong with me thinking that. I think at one point, you have to make a decision whether its in YOUR best interests to stay so close and involved.

I've had to remind myself in the past that she is the mother, I am the child. Its not my job to rescue her. She is her own person. I can understand it would be a very tough call, but one option is to essentially disown her.

I can understand in a way how you are feeling Fedup. I too had to look after my mother for many years. My mum remarried when I was 12 and a few months later she had a little boy, 13 months later a little girl came along. To cut a long story short, when my brother was 13 months old and my sister 3 weeks old mum was hospitalised with a mental illess for quite some time. I was left to be mum to the babies and also look after my abusive stepfather who enjoyed using me as a punching bag at times. She returned home in due course but was in and out of hospital regularly, she never ever really took over looking after my brother and until i finally left when I was 16 he thought I was his mother. The story continues, as your does with years of dependence. I can't begin to understand how it was for you to drag your mum drunk out of places but I do understand the changing roles of going from being the child to being a parent to your own parent. Thanks for telling us so much of your story. I know we all feel for you and the reason you haven't yet had many responses as some may just not know what to say and others, like me, went off to think what, if anything we had to contribute. Please never feel that you don't get replies because no body cares. It is rather that we do care and don't want to make what might seem like trite replies to a very personal and touching story. All the very best to you and hope to hear more from you and maybe meet you in the chat room at some stage. Judy

Though its always sad to hear about someone with such struggles, I am always amazed by the kindness and caring of the members here. We are all beautiful people, despite many of us being survivors of such ugliness. I just wanted to give all the members here a pat on the back because I really do feel you are all awesome.

the phone rang about an hour ago, i said to my partner, oh i bets thats mum feeling sorry for herself or she needs me to take her something, sure enough it was her.

feeling sorry for herself *rolls eyes*

ive got no money so i cant get any booze. yeah ive heard that like 4 times in the last week alone, yet every day she had been pissed. oh an apaparently when i voice my opinion or let her know how i feel, its called lecturing? piss off woman, it aint a lecture, you aint the only one who is allowed to just say whatever you please.

oh and shes back home now, they needed the bed at the hosp for emergencies. i thought someone who has overdosed and intoxicated and suicidal WAS an emergency, silly me.

she wants me to give my kids a kiss and a hug from her, pfft why should i, as i said to her, do it yourself!

but today is another day and i am feeling alot better from yday, still peeved at her but i dont have the urge to go kick her ass, until the next time haha!

i dont think she got the fluffy, wrapped in cotton wool response she was after when she called here, i probably made her feel worse but what the hey.

itsa beautiful day here in akld so i am going to wait for my bubba to wake up and go and do something out in the sunshine.

hope everyone is having a nice day where ever you are.

Good for you standing up for yourself with your mum. Have a great day outside in the sunhsine with your little ones and partner. Hugs.

hi fedup

Im happy to see you here. In your second post you seemed a bit down that no-one had responded to your thread. We try hard to be decent to each other here and as you had written that replies weren't really needed then most will wait until you want to have people answer...or if they feel they have something very very important to share then they will post. Unless you definately state 'no replies'.

Also here you won't get people responding to you unless they do feel they have something worth offering. Not like some other sites were people seem to post just to prove that they are superior or to take the piss.

Ok enough of the intro stuff.

I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic...almost 3 years sober!!!
And I have never talked much about it, but it does mean that over the years there were many times I had to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess that he caused by his drinking. So I have a good understanding of where you are coming from...although Daze will even more so.

I am glad that you are feeling a lot better today...it is not good when otherpeoples life choices affect us in a negative way.

be kind to yourself, brite

well hello everyone, mum has been sober all week but now im faced with different issues lol.

shes rings me every day, sometimes up to 5 or 6 times, i know shes lonely and bored but far out.

she also has started asking for money, which i just dont have, i am short myself. i feel as though she guilt trips me and she just got in a snitch this morning cos i couldnt lend her $20, her last words were ''oh well ill just have to run out of milk, bread and smokes''

milk and bread i can help with but im a smoker too and sometimes i dont have any til the next week, its just life.

im also selling an old tv that used to belong to her many many years ago, and she said the money i make should go to her, she then made out she was joking but why on earth does she do this, eveytime she goes off the rails, theres this period right after where shes manipulative and lays the guilt trips..i dont owe her anything. its like she expects me to bend over backwards for her cos shes had a rough time?? if that makes sense.

i am supporting myself, my partner and 2 kids (partner was made redundant and not eligable for winz) so why does she think i have money falling out my arse?

YOU mustnt get involved in HER PROCESS.

Kick ass or at least
be objective.

look after #1
gm

fed up,

you have the right to be as angry, hurt and seriously pissed off as you wish to be. you also have the right to protect yourself and your family in what ever way you see fit. If that means walking away, changing the phone numbers and trying to pretend you no longer have a mother - then so be it. of course you will feel the flipside of this, guilt etc etc. HOWEVER - this is NOT your fault, you didn't ask for it, you neither want nor need it. You have done your best, again and again and again...i'm amazed with how much you have had to deal with! Of course you love your mother - it's normal. but i think it's time for you to love YOU! You have a partner and 2 kids who obviously love and adore you. Be strong for yourself and them, and do what's best for YOU......i doubt your mother will ever change, so it's going to be up to you (as usual). Hugs

shadowsmum, do you post on the tm mb?

if you are the person im thinking of, i would doubt you would be so kind if you knew who i was*sighs*
im not going to say who i am either but thanks for your kind words

hey fedup.... I know shadowsmum would have meant it here..

message deleted

no matter about our parents,
but we gotta make it without them.

Blame holds us back. Getting ourselves healed should become our number 1 priority.
Being healed, we can relate to our parents WHOLE without falling into the traps they maybe laying out for you;being healed you can SEE what is going-on!

As soon as we put our parents behind us the better.
Within us we have them also as phantoms sure, reinforcing themselves but in therapy we can
get in there also, and dissapate the bad-stuff and sup with their Love.
Parents do love their children and mean the best,
but because of the stresses of life and their living standards,
they are pushed out of the way and say the things that appear the opposite of Love.

When they dont get the chance to say sorry on their death-beds
they die a miserable death, nothing at all what it can be like
when you have a healed heart!

i am the ONE and ONLY shadowsmum..........have a sneaky feeling i know who u r fedup...and my message still stands.u deserve MORE. you have twisted yourself into a pretzel over the years, and your STILL beating yourself up over something you have no control over...well you do actually. you can either allow your mother to continue poisoning everything around you...or you can say enuff's enuff. Get any and ALL help you need to make YOU feel better about YOU. to hell with what other people think......you need to make yourself whole for you partner and kids and more importantly for YOU. you can't heal yourself and be the person you know you can be while your dragging a lifetime of guilt, regret and everything else that goes along with it. hugs

hello everyone.

ive had a pretty good week (the last 7 days or so), mum has been sober, she has returned to work, shes come to visit alot also.

however yday i called into her place to ask her something and she had been drinking, she had only finished work maybe 2 hours or less, and already drunk. she was ok at 1st but then decided to turn nasty towards my partner who was in the car feeding our daughter. mum was standing outside her door therefor partner could hear every word. i couldnt help myself i bit back, told her exactly what i thought of her, fuckin drunken mess of a woman (and the rest).

what i dont get is my partner has never had any runs ins with her, has always been polite to her and has never done anything to me or my kids, in fact she not long ago said i was very happy since meeting him and that hes a wonderful father.

over 24 hours have past and i called her to let her know that some $$ she was waiting for had been paid into my account and when did she want it (as in come get it), while i had her on the phone i asked her NICELY what ydays fiasco was about, she said she didnt have to justify herself to me and owes NO apology and tried to blame my partner, can you believe it? she recons HE owes her an apology or two, the bloody nerve of her.

as per usual, she said she didnt want to talk about IT right now (whats new) and hung up on me so i called her back, i explained to her calmly that if she wants to come get her $$ she needs to apologise to my partner at the same time, guess what..? she didnt say a word but hung up on me AGAIN lol.

i wish i could just up and move and tell her to bugger off. partner doesnt want an apology as he puts it down to the booze, so what, she still should face what she does/says while drunk right?

Fedup,

I am an alcoholic, in recovery. I am mother of a teen daughter. I can only offer what i know will be hard to accept and that is an apology. Not for any wrong that I have inflicted upon you, I dont know you personally but I am sorry that you are affected by alcoholism I am sorry that your mother is not the person you need and want her to be. I am as sorry for you as I am for my own daughter and the people who loved me while I was in active addiction.

As Daze has said ALANON is a great place for you to seek some understanding and acceptance of the situation. Acceptance is the best you can expect because you can not change your Mother. She can only change herself.

You can change your expectations of her and you can change your interactions with her, but that is not easy and help such as Alanon will help to give you some insight into her disease and into yourself.

Your greatest obligation here is to remain safe for yourself and your child/ren. Emotional distance is necessary from your Mother, you can love from a distance without being caught up in her games and manipulations.

Its not easy I know.

Hi fedup and others.

Ive entered this thread many times and never known the right words to say. So much of what has been said I can relate to and it saddens me. I too have been that kid waiting in the car at the pub. I learnt to drive because dad was too drunk to drive home. I missed alot of school due to "family emergencies." I got to know at an early age what "drunk and disorderly" meant, CYFS, CADS, AA, DIC etc. I saw a grown man break down in tears and apologise many many times. Broken promises and a broken family. I know the sadness, pain, anger, resentment that you feel and unfortunately for me I went on to create my own kind of suffering for my own loved ones.

There comes a time in life when you can no longer serve two masters. (I may have got that from the bible or AA I cant remember which) I probably have the meaning wrong too but my simplified interpretation is that you can not bust your ass trying to do things right for 2 different things or people. Its too hard! Others have given some really good advice here and I do hope you manage to put that much needed distance between you and your mother and concentrate on whats MOST important and thats you and your family! I do hope your Mother seeks help in the appropriate way and the help is readily available and shes open to receive it.

i need some advice, every time im pissed off with my mum or upset over something, my partner seems to down play what im feeling.

when i call her a bitch, he says i shouldnt, when ive had a go at her, he says i shouldnt do that. i told him today that she is not welcome here and he recons hed be more flexible, when i said i dont want her calling here, he says i cant do that, when i said to him that she isnt to come in the flat if im out, he says he cannot enforce that..

why is that no matter how i feel or what i say, he cant just say OK.

he has a hugely different r/ship with his mother and has a very diff view on how people should treat their mothers, even tough he knows ive had a lifetime of being shat on and used and abused, he still thinks i owe her respect and should just allow her to pretty much get away with whatever, THIS in itself makes me even angrier.

why the hell am i not entitled to feel the way i do about my mother?