forgive me but i am pissed off as hell and had a guts full

you are entitled to own your feelings....sure.
But Others dont have to have to support you
if they dont want to.
By all means,
face upto Mother but dont expect your hubby to join in.
Thats dangerous,
that may make you do something you will regret for the rest of your life.
Karmically, you are bound to your Mother.
You need to investigate ways in breaking that bondage.
Maybe your hubby knows something about this?

Ask Him why He dosnt wanna hate someone you hate!
Im sure he would be supportive to you
in other areas of your life.

Hi fedup.

Your partner sounds like he has a strong set of morals and always sees the good in everybody! Glass half full kind of guy! Which is very admirable but at the same time frustrating as hell when you are trying to vent and end up not feeling supported.

Like GM has said "ask him why he doesnt wanna hate someone you hate?" OK not quite hate but you know if you really explained how you need him to be that listening person and someone to vent with then he might not try and play devils advocate so much. Either that or hes too scared incase he says something nasty about yoru mother and you take offence to it because at teh end of the day she is still your blood. God knows I bitch and moan about my circumstances but the minute someone else says somethign horrible - watch out! So your partner may feel he doesnt want to step on anyones toes or cross boundaries too much and just stay neutral.

Its probably hard to see it noq but later on in life you will be thankful that your partner was so good about things.

Hi Fedup, Here I am again with another book!! And I know they're not for everyone.

'Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics' by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden

It has a question and answer format - which I found very helpful when I was trying to get my head round why I was so depressed - how I became this way - what my family had to do with it - and how to untangle myself from the 'games' they played.

I do think it's very hard for someone who is not from a seriously dysfunctional family to understand the anger you may feel. Control is also a major problem with dysfunctional families. And we can get attached to controlling people in our life too. (Even if we don't want to!)

Might be worth getting a copy of the book - and could be helpful to your partner if you share some of it with him - so he knows where you're coming from.

Daze

thanks, i dont want him to hate her, i just dont want to be told i cant do this, cant do that, cant say this and that, i just want to be able to say something or feel a certain way and it just be OK :-)

Which is control ....?

is that control? lol i thought it was just wanting to feel something without being told its wrong etc.

Well, it is negating your feelings - and they are YOUR feelings

fed-up.......

You mustnt "stop yourself from wanting to kick her ass!"

You have all the right in the world to KICK ASS.
She is your Mother, She Borned you.

After you have kicked Her Ass
dont get played into the guilt trips which will come,
"I changed your nappies and fed you when you's was a babe!" etc.

She is Playing an Old and worn-out Tape she uses on ppl to manipulate them out of their POWER so that She dosnt have to Face Up and SEE HERSELF.

You must stand firm, Kick ass
and Leave her to Rot in Her squalour....
What will happen is that when She REALLY HAS hit rock bottom
she will be faced to make a decision.

Thats when SHE WILL RIGHT HERSELF.

Ppl do right themselves.
Drug addicts do Right themselves.
BUT they have to go the Whole distance
before they can BEGIN their process.

YOU mustnt get involved in HER PROCESS.

your partner sounds like a peace maker...which can be and generally is a fantastic thing!!
he is also a male...and they have a really bad habit of trying to fix everything...so many of them don't get the whole idea of a head clearing bitch session!!
the trouble is that what he is saying is negating your feelings...that is not a good thing.
but at the same time you can not put your negatives onto your partner and expect him to act a certain way.
the next time you have the need to have a head clearing...tell your partner what you are about to do...and tell him that you want NO answers...just a hug at the end.

ps...I know who you are over on tm...most of us have come here from there. A goodly number of us have at some point been in a thread there when we were in a rotten head space...which means we posted stuff that we are not proud of. Hell a few of us even got disabled from there for loosing the plot badly in a thread!! This place is very very different from there...we are here to support each other in what ever way we can...and here 'loose the plot' rants are welcome...see the vent room. If you recognise someone here from there that you have been less than polite too...don't worry cos we all know that shit happens.

right so how do you know who i am?

fedup wrote:right so how do you know who i am?

That part which sensed truth in your observation
is You!

You are not the thoughts you have been 'fed-up to the brim' with.

When you throw-out all those thoughts you have been fed,
You will still remain
as the Observor of your Mind.

Why do you get attached to these thoughts which flow through your mind?

hi guys, its been a little while, baby has grown, my son is bored with the holidays haha and ive gone back to work.

the last few months has been a struggle with mum, certainly more downs than ups, it has made her worse by keeping my distance, cos ive copped more crap and abuse but luckily i can hang up the phone haha.

ive only recently learned (yesterday) that my mother was pinged again for D.I.C and is going to court next month where it will be decided what prison sentence she will get or home detention - i cannot believe it, MY mother, a 51 yr old nana!

i dont really know what ti say or think or feel about this one.

anyone care to chat?

hope you all survived the ''crazy'' season, what did santa bring you? i got NOTHING haha, i can hardly go and re sell that on trade me aye

Dear Fed Up

I am a fairly recent member here, and if it wasn't for this board this Christmas and Paddy's being here I would be in a lot worse state.

Greasemonkey has summed up my feelings entirely I am a Registered Nurse having worked in Mental Health for the past 10 years and am disgusted by the services here in NZ and what you describe is the sickening truth.

Regarding your ma, my mother's tincture was cough mixture, so nobody twigged she drank gallons of the stuff a day. And was constantly out of it.

Abusive frightening violent all of the behaviours you describe.

When she died, I went to bits at the grief of my lost "mum" and what she could and should have been to me and I to her.

You know what, divorce her. Your love and loyalty belong to you and your own wee ones now. your ma has made her choice.

I too found Alanon very touchy feely and vague about the cough mixture thing. Pseudoephedrine wasn't booze so I didn't really "suffer" enough I think according to the Alanon folks or not in the same way. Pfffft Feck Right you are.

Fed Up Love your mother but save yourself please. Its quid pro quo, when she makes a change and takes herself off to the bridge programme you cut her some slack, until then you have to protect yourself and your kids from her and the repercussions of her behaviour. One day yes you will get that phone call. Save your heartache for then, truly. Love to you and all of us who got the mums we didn't deserve.

Martine

Hello Fedup and Martine..
I'm thinking of you both and sending hugs..

'To all of us who got the mums we didn't deserve' - sadly there are lots of us ..
Take gentle care..

Thanks books for the hugs

And another one collectively to our mothers god bless them because we can't.

Fed up I hope you are feeling better and thinking about distancing yourself and your own new family. They have the mum they deserve.

Love to you Martine

my mother was sentenced to 6 months prison today, only found out a couple of hours ago when i got home from work, i knew she was going to court but strongly believed she would get home d.

i feel numb