blahhh...List of crap(inspired to do after reading another members post)

1.I go day each day with no purpose,living today for no tommorrow,i dont do anything and only leave the house to have a smoke or go to school.

2.im under CYFS so now i live in fear that at any moment i could get moved somewhere new at any time,and im scared of if i do one thing bad someone can call my social worker and i will get taken away.

3. i have one strike left at my caregivers house, which makes me scared tat if i do something wrong they will call up my social worker
-the not knowing of whats going to happern to me scares me the most because i dont really have a family where i can live it makes me feel like i dont belong anywhere, that i dont have a place in this world.
4.People dont seem to understand me, at home,school n in general my behaviour gets labeled as something tat otheres assum not what i auctaly feel, the things i do & the way i behave gets turned in others eyes as something im not trying to do.

5. i dont know whats happerning with school, i dont want to be there i have been saying itf or years now but still im told 'no no it'l get better' or what ever but they dont listen when i say,'no this isnt working'

6.i want to do tharpy with this lady that i started seeing after i left my other tharipist but now i have this whold new mental health team n cant see my other 'team' thing since im now with these new people. so i just build trust with someone to get it taken away AGAIN...which was my whole point with what i thought would happern to me if i trusted a tharipist again but i was reasured that they wouldnt do that...but they did.

7.It feels like i have to be happy because everyone in the last few weeks have said 'oh you seem alot better' when auctaly..im not and i feel like i have to so i put on a face and smile its just like what iv been doing my whole life pretending and faking-which is something i dont want to do but it feels like i have too..

8.i feel like no one likes me ESP when i post something n NO-ONE REPLIES cuz then i think oh its my fault and its me they dont like because im who i am and so yehh..

9.in the last few months esp the last month i keep forfetting!!! really badly i will go into a 'raulf mode' and then ill just forget stuff, iv started forgetting my friends names, where i live, that im a human being, that im alive, what my name is, what iv done in the day,what i did a few seconds ago,what im going to do...ect and its getting worse but i have no idea who to tell that can help so i havent been able to tell many people..for some reason i think i was dead and have come back to life in someone elses body..its confusing the heck outa me and its getting worse by the day !

10. for some reason i keep thinking that i can tell what people are going to say and then i whisper it and then they say it,or ill stare at them and then i whisper what my brain tells me are their thoughts and i whisper them outloud..but only sometimes like i cant choose who or when but just at random times
ITS FREAKING ME OUT!
...k il stop now befor i sound too outa it
and apart from this stuff my lifes just got its usuall crap ...


On a good note i have been seeing friends and ppl n the weekends and staying at ppls houses and being social so thats been really good!

OliviaHeartsMo,

Hey, I'm very sorry you feel that your Posts are ignored here at TBBD. Sometimes, we don't know what to say that might help and so we don't say anything, forgetting that saying nothing might itself, hurt.

I'm really pleased you're using this place to say how you're feeling. You sound like you have a lot to deal with and I'd say maybe, you deserve a bit more credit than you feel you're receiving - from anywhere.

There is a lot that you say, thats outside what I know about (I'm a bloke, for a start) - but, why don't you print out what you Posted here, and give it to your current MH team leader?

Just so there is no doubt that they see and have a chance to understand you and your perspective on stuff? I always write stuff down for my doctor - its the only way I know for sure I'll be honest and open about how things really are.

Take care, sweetheart and be kind to you, eh?

Pat and That Bloody Tabby

Hi Olivier, am I correct in thinking you are being cared for in a cyfs home??. If so hun, try doing as Pat has said, print out and give it to your caregiver. They are in a position to talk with your social workers and understanding how you are feeling, will help them to help you. Good luck and hugs.

Hi Olivier. Not too sure what to say but I don't want you to think that you are being ignored. I used to foster kids a few years ago and for me it was by far the hardest thing I have ever done.

Morning Olivier, hope today is better for you. When I asked you if you were in a cyfs home, a meant a residential home with other young ones, (it wasn't that I hadn't read your post). Think about what your goals are hun and each day try to take a step towards acheiving that goal. What is it that you need to do to get there. I hated school to, but we do need an education to get us ahead. Knowledge is power and that is what will take you on to acheiving your dreams. I'm now 50 Olivier, but I still have dreams/goals and some of those goals will take me back into the dreaded classroom, but I'll do it, because that is the only way for me to get to were I want to be. Sending you big hugs to start your day.

Hey.


Just a correction. Its Olivia. Not Olivier. (Olivia is my best mate.) Just thought I would correct you guys. - Nothing major. Just so Olivia feels more at home

Hi there Olivia,

How are you feeling today???

well hi again,thankx for every1s replys..to answer peterpams Q. im auctaly living with caregivers who one of them works at my school and so my princible found them cuz he asked around..
BUTTT as of today i have 1-2 weeks untill i have to leave my caregivers and get placed somewhere else because 'it isnt working' so this evening iv spent packing stuff and sorting stuff out..i live in centeral auckland and i got told i may have to go up north lik n hour away..
so now..Im changing to a new school, New home, New enviroment, i have a new mental health team-with 5 different ppl so far, my CYFS socail worker is leaving her job in 4 weeks so im getting a new social worker..and because of where ill be living i wont be able to go back to this MH team that i was working with befor i became involved with this new one and i like the old one SO MUCH BETTER!...so now everything is going to be new...its like everything that became ever so slightly stable in my life is now all moving away in different directions and now i feel like im all by myself.
What pisses me off the most was tat my caregivers said that in the start they were going to be there no matter what i did or said they wouldnt give up and were going to be there in the long run and i didnt believe them but they were like no we serious we commited..now not even a year later and im pretty much gettig kicked out..like im grateful and all but so pissed..god like everythings leaving all at once.

Huge hugs to you Olivia and I so hope that your new caregivers work out better for you. Making long term commitments is not fair as we never really know how a placement is going to go until a little time has gone by. I am so sorry that you have to go through everything new yet again, it isn't easy. Wish I had some advice for you but unfortunately all I can offer is my very, very best wishes and an ear if you ever want to share.

Nice pic olivia

Oh I'm sorry Olivia, I do hope things get better for you. Try to keep positive, your new social workers, may just be fabulous, I do hope so. Take care hun.

hiya OHM...sucky times ae...sorry things haven't worked out for you hun

but look on the bright side...you are moving an hour north of Aucks...and there are some amazingly neat people living up this way...I should know cos Im one of them hahahahahahahaha...what part of northland will you be heading to?

I know when I wrote my list of crapolla it helped me settle it all down a bit in my mind so I could look at them each seperately rather than them being jumbled together...I hope it worked for you like that too...cos I found it helped me start to be able to work on each thing

oh britelite it was you tat inspired me to do this list thing (: thankx yeah it quite helpful

im not quite sure i think one of the places is by orewa called whanaparoa which isnt too far away bt still i cant just walk to auckland or ne thing so kinda sucks..

i g2g watching 'too fat for 15'

hiya again OHM

sorry I take so long to answer...I work from 5.30am til about 6.30/7.00pm on a dairy farm and most nights I am to damned tired to do much of anything...and I only get every second weekend off...and its not this one...bugger!!!

so you think it might be the whangaparoa area you are going to?...hehehe well most people up here still think of that as an extention of Aucks!!...and its only an hour from there if you are in heavy traffic stuck following idiots who bribed someone to get their license

hope you are still being kind to yourself...and look at it this way...it wont be to much longer really until you will be out of school and in the workforce...then yu can choose where you live etc etc

i think that whats happening to you olivia is disgraceful.
your not some little brat trying to get kicked out of home.
and its true this isnt fair.
but im ready to do what it takes to keep you in auckland if thats what you want.
and i'll be there for you:]

Mere.Kat wrote:i'll be there for you:]

AWWWWWWWH! thats so incredibly nice kate!!!!!
thankx billions (:

agh..im soooo incredibly scared that im going to end up in hospital soon if i try kill myslef again..im too scared to do anything cuz im too scared of hospital but what if it did work? then i would be incredibly happy..i fell like people seem to think that im doing fine atm but really unless im surounded by friends or with someone then im a compleat mess..im going back to how i was last year-self harming wise im starting to do 70-100 cuts in a sitting timejust over and over..this might sound weird but smoking makes me feel grounded like that my feet are on the ground and im alive when i dont smoke i just feel like i always do just kinda there but not..kinda like lifes a dream and nothing matters and nothings real..
i know that only i can be in control of my life-but i dont think i can be trusted with the responcibility of my own life..im scared of what im capable of im not scared cuz i dont want to die but im scared of what the effect will be on others, i have a 27 y/o friend whos 7 months pregnent who LOVES and cares about me sooooooo much and i know the stress i can put on her and i dont want her to be worryed of stressing about me..i have suicidal friends who if i do something will possible tip them over the edge and if i did ever suceed then ill end up like Mo n everyone will have to feel the pain that i & others went through...
im still having to deal with the whole forgeting im human thing n its fliping me out even more cuz now i feel confided to a little box with a label of 'attention seeking' carefully made by my very christian caregivers who do not believe in mental illnesses..so now even through im desprite to speak to someone fear keeps me from telling...

hey Olivia

I care about you and what happens, please take care of yourself and stop cutting.

You are right only you are in control but if you are like me you feel like you need people around. So you have started to take control by making sure this is the case.

Mo - was that mo that was here?

Keep your chin up ok?

is it just me or does it make others feel violated if you find out everyone in your house has been searching through pages that you've written on nemourous depression fourms? your personal written stuff not for their eyes and then you find out they read it all!
GOD i hate ppl that look through stuff they have no right to look through
-yeah it might be helpful but its NOT helpful when u have over the top christian one minded only there way is the right way caregivers..
I also found this other thing they said that i hang out with the wrong croud-they only think that cuz if its ristian ppl then they r evil..god dayum them...agh BREATH!

yep do remember to breathe...long slow deep breaths at that

ok...time for some honest self consideration I think...

you have said you are pissed off that your current 'christian' caregivers are getting rid of you...now consider the way they handle your depression...and seem to be the type of churchies that believe 'all you have to do is put yourself in the hands of the lord to be cured and saved'...now consider the possibility that the new set of caregivers will know how and what to do to help you, and if they did read your writtings would use them as a way to better understand your mindspace...which of course means you will be about to head somewhere far better for you

they have said you hang with the wrong crowd...consider if there is any truth to this...I am in no way saying that they are 'wrong'...but take time to make sure you are spending time with people who accept you for the beautiful caring person you are, the type who support each other and care what happens to those around them...and not people who are going to cause shit in your life

and lastly...I know you aren't to happy about ending up with a new mental health team...but you need to give the new ones a chance...consider the fact that they may be very well suited and you might well very glad to have them...you do need to talk with someone about the odd 'lost identity' feelings you are having...as in you not remembering you are human...although in my completely unprofessional opinion it sounds like it could well be a stress/anxiety reaction to what has been going on

and one question to finish...yep I can be a very long winded and some nosey old tart...what are you smoking?...answering this is totally optional

be kind to yourself hun

I second 100% what Britelite said. Trust a farmer to hit the nail right on the head.

Thankx britelite(: to answer your q. i smoke tobacco just the normal stuff i dont du the 'natural' stuff

hi there olivia,

How are you today?

Agh! atm im okay i guess..i keep saying im okay though when im not and i keep getting tol how proud ppl are of me that iv been "sooo happy" since the last time i came outa hospital and i am..kinda i keep planning things though(to end my life) i just plan and plan but not go through with it yet cuz 'i have to wait for the perfect time' and it seems theres no time like the present but with being told to wait and wait i just dont know how long and its driving me mad! I keep forgetting who i am and blah all that is STIL happerning and i dont know how to make it stop !! iv told my MH team and they put me on meds and so last week i took my first pill since i OD'ed and so i was proud of myself but even though its a low low dose i keep thinking its making me feel worse but then i think maybe its me thinking taht its making me worse when it isnt but i just think it does...which makes me even more confused and another think i keep getting labelled with more and more dignoses but it feels like theres just sooooo many and i dont believe one think anyone has said i have but then i just dont want to accept it cuz everything they've said 'i have' has been dignosed and thats why im still in tharpy to help me but AGH! idn im just rambling bout nothing well nothing importent cuz of course olivias fine cuz shes been doing soooo well and everyones proud cuz shes just so incredibly perfectly fine.


But im moving in few days n wednes..which'll be good i guess

Hi Olivia, I live in red beach which is just down the road from Whangaparaoa, so if you wanna catch up for a chat or to vent or something feel free to let me know, I don't mind