Wop/Lizzie's daily course Log!!!

Today I am rather pissed off.

I am not allowed to go on any overnight camps until i get myself a counselor. and tomorrow they are all going on a tramp/over night camp up into the Arthurs Pass. and I am not allowed to go. So I walked out today at 10am coz all they were doing was planning the trip.

Walking home/respite I walked down a busy road. I for about 3 secs thought about stepping out into the road. But instead I hit the fence.

I just hate being treated different!!!!!!!

hi hun...really sorry to hear you had such a shit day on tuesday...hope your mood has improved since.

I think you made the right choice in the road verses fence moment...we would all hate you to leave us...or end up spending months in a hospital bed while your body painfully repairs itself.

will it be hard to find a counselor so you can particapate in the camps?...I would hate to miss that part of the course if it was me.

and yea...being treated differently to others sucks the big one...but it is something that we all have to deal with at different times of our lives...and a lot of the time all we can do is suck it up and get on with life.

Hey Britelite thanks for replying .

I have tried going to 198 - its a free youth clinic they off like counseling, nurses, docs, and stuff like that, But they were all booked up. they were meant to ring me if someone canceled. I havent heard anything
I think I might see about maybe going to someone that cost money but see if winz will pay, or something like that. If that fails I could go thru ACC. But I am not really to talked about the big 'R' word.

Today at course was horrible. John - the 'teacher' asked everyone to share camp stories. It made me feel even worst. but then the rest of the day was ok. Although I nearly got a 55 dollar fine for biking on the footpath. - I nearly got hit 4 times today within a hour - while biking on the road.
At course we just did some brain storming about if they should make a new course. and then just cleaned up the place.

hey wop, so what now for you?

Hey Mylife.

Hmm for now I am just trying to get thru the week. - Which is alot better then a couple of months ago. I was just trying to get thru the hour.

good then - things are improving from the sound of it,

On Monday.We did three different sports. - We worked in teams and took the group for the sport. I took Netball. It was a mess. But in the end it worked out.
Tuesday. We removed some roseberry plants from a river bank. well I think thats what it is. Its prickly. at the Groynes
Wednesday, We pulled out weeds on an island at the Groynes
Thursday, (today) we were putting up rabbit proof fencing. To keep them away from this special grass.
Friday - tomorrow I am not going. As I have to go to an appointment I really, really, really, really dont want to go to.

Sounds like a good week in a way, being outside must beat sitting at a desk taking notes. I think you may mean rasberry bushes, they are prickly but have delicous deep red berries that make excellent jam. When I was a kid they used to grow prolifically and I remember many a time being covered in scratches after picking them. Now I think they are considered a weed and everyone just poisons them off. Chin up about your appointment tomorrow, will pop back and see if you have felt up to writing about it on here. Take care now.

Well I have some spare time.

Today - a shit day. I got a needle in my arm from a fucken nurse - I didnt even go into the doctors to get it! I went in to get more meds. I am now at the point wheres its not funny. Today my doctor said. That I have this low mood thing. Where my low mood is normal. and its the same for everyone just that I over act! Talking about being super pissed off! So I am going to be like this for my whole life and its normal.
HOW SUPER FUCKEN FUN IS MY LIFE GOING TO FUCKEN BE!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH WITH MY COURSE. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO GO ON OVER NIGHT TRAMPS ATLEAST UNTIL NEXT MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN ITS GOING TO BE "R-E-V-I-E-W-E-D!!!!!!!!!!"

I MUCH RATHER BE TOLD YOU HAVE FUCKEN DEPRESSION. YOU WILL GET OVER IT WITH COUNSELING AND MEDS. BUT NO I AM STUCK LIKE THIS ALL MY LIFE. - WELL JUST UNTIL I EITHER TAKE MY LIFE OR SOMETHING. BECAUSE THAT IS WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN. I AM NOT GOING TO STAY AROUND IN THIS LIFE IF I AM GOING TO BE LIKE THIS FOR EVER.

I AM GOING TO WAIT UNTIL FRIDAY UNTIL I MEET MY COUNSELOR. IF THEY DONT HELP ME BETTER UNDERSTAND IT. THEN I AM GOING TO BURN ALL MY BRIDGES NOT GO TO COURSE, NOT MEET ANYONE. NOT TALK TO ANYONE. STOP TAKING MY SLEEPING MEDS. AND JUST BASICLY STOP ALL THE "GOOD" WORK I HAVE BEEN DOING.



MY COMMUNITY SUPPORT WORKER IS JUST A BITCH. I NOW REMEMBER WHY I DONT TELL PEOPLE HOW I AM REALLY GOING. SHE JUST SUPER PISSES ME OFF NOW. I TELL HER I FEEL LIKE SHIT SHE SAYS WELL THATS NORMAL. ITS JUST A NORMAL LOW MOOD EVERYONE HAS IT, BULL SHIT NOT EVERYONE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING AND WISHES THEY WERE DEAD. NOT EVERYONE IS CLOSE TO THE EDGE.

I just dont get it. Its making me angry which isnt good. I feel like going out a picking a fight with a gang member who will shot or stab me.


and now adding to all this stress I have to go find my own way home from Mt Hutt tomorrow as everyone gets to stay up there but me. HOW FUCKEN LUCKY I AM?!?!?!?!?!

ok, good things in my life. I get to do the day stuff of this course. I might have a job (cleaner at a resthome) I have my mum. Tomorrow I am going snowboarding.

Bad stuff. Doctors appoinment that I had today. I am broke. My community support worker doesnt get me. I see and talk to someone whos not there. I still havent heard from 2 of my friends who more then likely are dead.



Sorry. I just need to vent. as least on here I dont get stopped to have someones 2-cents added about how I should just get over myself- I have tryed that for the past 19 months. - Just over a year and a fucken half.


I AM SOOOO OVER IT!

Hey little pixie, life just sucks for you at the moment. To be honest I wouldn't want to be your age again for all the world. The teenage years can be very painful. I'm not going to tell you things will be a bed of roses as you grow older BUT whatever you are feeling WILL change. I can't promise it will change to anything more comfortable for you to deal with but it will definitely be a new set of challenges and, you just never know, they might be bright, happy, good ones. Hang in there. The future is waiting for you.

Today and yesterday we went up to the snow.

I found out I am not a natural snowboarder. I am nearly sore all over. But I kinda had a good time. At the end of the day I was able to get to the bottom of the slope without falling over.
I have soo much talent I was able to hit myself in the mouth with my board. lol And make my lip bleed (its ok now)

I think I am a leader in the group. I was the first to fall out of the kayak and first to fall over on the snow! LOL

But on the down side I now have my left arm in a bandage.

Tomorrow we get a day off course. and I have counseling. ATM i am not feeling flash and I am too sore to do anything.

wop don't ever apologize for venting...this is your journal and you put whatever you want

I agree with Bluebird that the teenage years can be some of the worst in a persons life...and it so helps that every day you get bombarded through tv shows and magazines of images of perfect happy content teenagers with the illusion that this is how all teens should be...what a lot of old bollocks!!!

while the doc and the support worker are correct in saying that everyone has low moods and that it is normal I don't agree that they should be telling you that what you feel is just normal and that that is what life is all about...man if I believed that the headspace in which I live is normal and everyone is in it all the time then I would think it is time the species of man left this planet for good.

I remember the old me...and she was a lot more happy than sad...actually enjoyed meeting people without 'knowing' that new people will think what a waste of space and time she was...she didn't have shut down emotions...or put on a mask everytime there was someone else near her...and she never thought about suicide...that is the me I need back...she wasn't perfect but I loved living in her skin

after 2 days of being on the slopes I know that you will be sore...my kids went to a school fairly close to ruapehu for 3 years and they went up about four times a year...I tried snowboarding and gave it up as a bad joke but I managed to become ok at skiing...hehe the first time we went there my daughter was on her four run by the time I got my skis to the bottom once!!...bugger you ended up with a sore arm...hope it is starting to feel better now...you just needed to be as good at direction as I was...I think I landed in every snow bank at least four times...hard to get out of while strapped to skis but minimal chance of injury hahaha

hope your councelor can give you some of the answers you need today...be kind to yourself

Well there has been alot that has gone on over the last week

Last Friday. Someone thought I O.Ded Which I didnt. I just went down to the park as I thought someone was coming to get me, and at the park I could see who was coming. - Got a ride into the er. where I talked to a Crisis team nurse. She said I was fine to go home.
Saturday Afternoon I wasnt feeling safe. So I went to the Crisis team with my mum. I got three days respite.
Monday night, I got told by my caseworker at the Crisis team that I am going to be like this for ever. I flipped at this and walked home - Via the cycle way which is right next to the train tracks (Sorry to all that were worried about my safety esp Olivia, Mylife) And then got home and got my skateboard and when back to respite. When back the Respite staff asked if I was feeling safe I said no. - Police offered to take me to The E.R/Crisis team. Then at 3.30am I went into the Youth Unit in the mental Hospital. I discharged myself at 7pm as they told me they cant help me.
Wednesday I brought a knife. Because Jake told me to. Then I went for a walk. My mum fliped as she knew I had the knife. and coz of my past. Cops got called. I got pepper sprayed. Taken to the cells. I was behaving myself for most of my stay just not when they tried de-clothing me. With my past it made me go nuts. Then sitting in the cell. I started banging my head as Jake was telling me too. And I couldnt of said no. I wasnt strong enough. I got taken to Hospital. I behaved myself.
Thursday (today) I meet with the doc. There was nothing being in hospital would do for me. So they discharged me.

I have a busy day tomrw:
I have to go to court - getting charged with having a knife.
Going to see my Counselor.
Meet up with an old school friend.
And then going to the GP. - To get some Mood Stabs pills. as The hospital doc thinks its worth trying. - he didn't want to prescribe them as he wouldn't be following up with me.

I am still not 100%. Rather low. So sorry If I am talking to anyone in the chat box and I am not making any sense sorry, Or if I say something really dumb.

Oh Lizzie, you have had such a rough time of it. It must have been terrifying ending up in police cells when you needed TLC and not that kind of treatment. Who is Jake? Is he real? Hope you and your doc can make something of what is going on with you and that he can find something that helps a little. Thinking of you little one.

wow. you poor thing. it sounds like you've been going through a lot at the moment. i hope that writing it all out here helps you. i know how fustrating doctors etc. can be, but there are some out there that will do their best to help, and although it's hard you have to trust them. remember that people do care about you and maybe jake is upsetting you but there are other people in your life that care. i know that you mum must really worry for you, and i think everyone who has read this post cares too.
stay strong, i hope things improve.

be strong Lizzie,

Thinking of you.

Thanks for all your replies. xoxox

I have a feeling I am going down again. - I got told by Jake to stop taking my meds. So thats why I am still up. I havent been up this late well being in bed for MONTHS.

But I am trying to stop it. I want to be someone else I wish I was capable of focusing.

Hey all.

I havent really been on this website for a while. As some know I havent really been coping THAT well.

I have been going to course all week. But just not yesterday as I had to meet the cops about the knife charge I got the other week. - When jake's voice was telling me that he sent someone after me. But I got diversion where I just had to forfeit the knife which I was more then happy to do.

At course not much as been happening. I found out for the whole time left on my course I am not going to be able to go on overnight camps. Coz of my Mental Health history. Which sucks shit. But in the good side, they say I will be able to do next course. coz I am missing out on soo much. Which is ok.
On Tuesday we did the training to be able to look after little kids for the holiday program we have to help out on. and then did some indoor rock climbing.
Wednesday we did some outdoor real rock climbing. - I nearly got to the top. But I am happy with how far I got up.
Thursday, was police meeting. I got home at about 1pm. I went down to the bmx track, - What a bad move! on the third time around. I fliped over my bike. My bike fliped over me. and then the handle bar hit me in the eyebrow. It finally stop bleeding late last night, I have cuts all down my arm, and skinned my knee.
Today at course we didnt do too much at course. But loving the free wireless at the library as I have to stay in town until 2pm. - counseling, joys of my life.


I am sure there is someone following me. Coz Jake told me coz I didnt take another knife to the meeting yesterday. He has sent one of his gang mates after me, He has told them to do the same that he did to me, but at the end stab me.

Good to see you enjoying course.

It is very important to have routines and things in our lives to stablise us and for you I think at the momment it is your course. It gives you a sense of pourpose.

Hope counselling went well.

hey woppow,

I hope you get better, you deserve to have a good life.

Ros is right, good that you are enjoying your course!

Catch you later and take care of you.

I have posted on here for a bit.

my course is FUCKEN CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they said If I go to counselling, then I could go on over nights. But how is this for a kick in the guts, they said I am not allowed to. I had planned to re do the course. Now they can get fucked! If I re-did it I still wouldnt be able to go on over nights!

FUCKEN FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I said on MSN Lizzie, they would be irresponsible to take you for overnighters with the way you have behaved lately. I think you will need to prove to them that you are not going to run away or light fires, use knives or do anything else that may put yourself at risk while you are with them. If it is Jake that is making you do these things then perhaps you need to learn to stand up to him before you can trust yourself and other people can trust you to be safe for overnight adventures. I know you don't like people confronting you with things you with things you don't want to hear but there it is anyway. Big hugs and take care of yourself Little One.

sounds cool. my mum wants me to start a course like that at ywca. i'm hoping to do something like that when my leg is healed. I want to do rock climbing or archery, but not real rocks, just wall.

i agree with bb woppow,

look after you