emptyness - the big black hole

As i sit here today, feeling down and out, lost and cold, feeling like a total failure....i wonder, is this all worth it?

lying here, eyes shut, typing out my thoughts, I feel hopeless and low,

I don't want to go on...the big black hole is swallowing me up..

please just take me into that big black hole and don't let me out.

Oh hun, I understand what you are saying, but even if you dont know it, you are sooo strong. You know what, not too many people can do what you are doing, with shareing as much as you are, sooo hell yes you can do it. I imagine at times things have come to the surface and they will be so hard to deal with, but then at other times you will feel a little relief by just getting it down in writing. You are strong, you are amazing, you are a winner and you are getting in touch with yourself. I think in the end all your pain may just somehow disappear. Well thats what happened to me when I decided, to get honest with myself, face my demons, (as you are). I no longer have any secrets, I can be who I am. Love me or hate me, I no longer give a fig, but I no longer have any secrets. You are truley an inspiration to others, I hope you can hold onto that. You have my respect.

Oh and I forgot to say, you are soooo not going into that black hole, you, beleive it or not are coming out of it. May not feel like that at the moment, but you are. This is a journey mylife and you do have control of it, when you want to take control.

Oh Peterpam,

You made me cry.

I have been doing alot of that today, and so has my husband.

He doesn't know what is wrong, and thinks it is him, I am sure he lurks here (under my name as it automatically logs me in) but may not have discovered my page of my life - or has he?? He is so confused and I am so destroying him.

It really is unintentional, but I don't want him to hurt anyone - I think he will be so angry when he finds out - if he finds out. He knows my brother and that is the one thing that is stopping me saying anything.

But quite by accident this morning I said "I'm sick of being depressed" opps.. it just came out! aww f***! not meant to say that!!! I must be getting used to the idea.

That did it. What/why - is it financial? What did he do to you? (meaning my ex) Nothing means anything to me without you, and he broke down.

Shit, didn't mean that to happen. Now I feel crap I'm scared I have started something that is the beginnng to the end.

Honey, this may be the time to share with hubby, he clearly is hurting for you. I have been the partner, so I know what he must be feeling, wanting so much to help you, but not knowing how. Give him the tools when you can, he may not be able to fix the motor, but he sure as hell can give it an oil and grease. Dont worry to much about your brother, did he worry about you??. Maybe if you are really concerned, you could tell hubby before you share with him, you need his assurance that he will not retaliate. Let him know that this would only make things worse for you. Your hubby sounds lovely, careing and supportive, help him to help you. I'm going to send you a pm. Hugs to you today.

Thanks and thanks for the pm.

I'll reply soon.

You are welcome. Hope things look up for you soon.

i did appreciate it thanks, I hope so to as I am getting to the end of the rope here,,

I have told him most, he knows something happened to me when I was very very young and he has guessed it was my brother, and well, I just couldn't deny it - I said nothing.....

He wasn't angry, he and I were talking and crying, talking and crying, talking and crying until 2 am this morning.

He is a lot happier now, as he can start to put the pieces together.

Well done you. Now you will have a much closer relationship, based on honesty. So proud of you

Hi there

Back again.. went to work today to see my morning appointment, just so shattered so brought my boys home again today...

brought work here too but not sure how far I will get through it...

ah well, all in good time, all in good time

wow. that is so huge your husband is now fully on board with you. I am so happy for you!!

he is fully on board, but today we are just sooooo tired, and it's school holidays...

Morning mylife, how are you and hubby today?? Thinking of you both, hope you got a well deserved sleep.

Yes, slept like a log... still a late night, he just wants to talk more and more.

He is still despondant, but getting there. But then I feel so awful because I tell him if he was thinking of that I would leave, as I wouldnt want his blood on my mind all of the time.

ARRRRGGGHH! why do I do that? He needs support tooo...

As he will for a while hun, From experience, he may well be wondering why he cant fix it for you. The two of you can now support one another.

yeah I guess we will have to..no one else will as no one else will know'