Who am I? Please, please help.

I'm new to this and would appriciate anything someone might have to say. Hurtful, or not- I just need other perspectives please.

I'm new at depression (even though I think I might have had it for over a year) I denied it then, not caring what the world did to me, wishing something bad would happen so I wouldn't have to look after myself, so I didn't have to deal with anything.
I've read up on it now and understand it a bit more.

I don't know wether I am depressed or not- At work, I'm happy go lucky, I laugh a bit. Is this just a mask?

I have a friend I talk to constantly about how I am feeling. So infront of my work collegues I'm "happy" me, but when sending an email/ text to my friend I feel so down. Any reasons about this? I'm up for anything, seriously..

I get pretty bad mood swings and lash out at the two people who know about this. I don't know why I do it. It's like I can't help myself. I push them away when they try get close to help. It's not fair on them, but I get scared. I feel so guilty about the way I treat them!
Other than those two people (and my family-but they don't know) I have no other friends I keep in contact with. I'm very useless when it comes to keeping friends. But I did recently get my first full time job, so it could be the stress of change to make me how I am..maybe?

Before I left school I got onto the wrong group. drank alcohol and did drugs. (but am sober and straight now)
Also at the same time my dad was diagnosed with cancer. So maybe those two things were a trigger? (the only thing is, he has survived and is doing very well now. Plus it was just under two years ago. Wouldn't that just go away becasue it's over and done with and there is nothing for me to worry about now??)

I complain a lot about everything- Yes I tell them they must get sick of me, but they deny it. I wouldn't know why because i get sick of myself!
I cannot make my mind up about pretty much anything. I try get others to decide for me..Some days I'd just go hungry becasue I wouldn't know what to have for lunch.

I don't eat a lot, so it could just be my diet. But I'm never hungry to begin with either. I feel sick every morning when I wake up (but I'm not pregnant!!) So by the time I get home, I've barely had food, my energy levels and sugar levels are low- So I easily snap.

I've been sensitive all my life as well.

I never thought I'd be someone posting something on a forum about my personal life, but there's nowhere else to turn. I've still got support, but they can't answer my questions and I'm too afraid to see a professional, because they may think I'm being silly and/or being a fraud about this all.
My mind is so muddled.

I need some advice on what to do, where to go from here. Anything would be a big help.

Thank you for listening.

Morning Qwerky. I think it is fabulous that you have come here and are expressing your feelings. Well done hun. I may not be of much help, but as there doesn't seem to be anyone else around at the moment that will be able to give you more direction than I can myself, let me just give you a hug in the mean time. I lived with someone who did suffer from depression, so I hear what your'e saying, much of which my then partner went through himself. As difficult as it may be, it would be great for you to go along to your gp and tell him/her exactly what you have told us. Maybe you could print off what you have shared with us. You are not being silly, infact I would even suggest that you are being very sensible, you are wanting to seek help and your doctor will see that. Good luck and I hope today brings more clarity for you.

Firstly well done quirky for taking the first few steps and investigating what you think you might have.

I too have never done anything about how I feel, ie seen a doctor or anything, but my symptoms are by far to coincidental to be any thing but a form of depression.

Yes there are days when I don't feel like getting out of bed, yes there are days when I don't eat cause I don't know what to have, and *sigh* yes there are days when a packet of panadol looks more appealing than life itself, or a knife would look lovely on my wrist.

It may well be that you are masking yourself at work, lets be truthful here - we all do it - hiding the real me from everyone else 'cause they might think that we are 'nutty' or 'unstable' (don't you love that word... I don't physically tip over!), but really that is pride getting in the way.

It would be a real conversation killer if we were to start off by saying "hi I'm Beth and I'm passionate about the mental health system 'cause I am bipolar" or something along those lines...and hense the masking continues.

We all complain, if we didn't we wouldn't be human!! Sure some more than others, but we do all need to vent (see the vent thread here).

No trauma doesn't go away. My father was the "Lab Rat" for nz for a Mitral valve replacement in the 70's and I still don't think I got over that completely...hey that was MY dad they were cutting open!

It is amazing how things like that do stay on your mind.. and what it triggers' - abuse to oneself, abuse from others and manic depression..to name a few.

Re the mood swings - just make sure there are no knives around when this happens. Ours are locked away for two reasons -

I don't trust myself
My youngest boy is a terrible sleep walker and he would hurt himself severly with them

Of course I like to think the 2nd reason is the real reason I lock them away...

You will peeve people off with the rants/raves/bad moods but that is part in parcel. Sorry is a very hard thing to say... but it is so important if you can. Explain (if you feel you can) your feelings - but be warned adverse reactions will appear!!

I too have been sensitive all my life... is there another not so recent trauma that you experianced as a young child.. mine was my brother interfering with me from about 4 or 5.. that heighted with my dad in hospital.

Re posting personal stuff on a public forum..you have a 'name' which is not your real name. I find the annominity helps with blurting, blubbing, anger and good feelings that I experiance. I feel I can say anything - nothing is barred - as no one knows me. At this stage I could just walk right past say, peterpam, logical cents, daze, Greasemonkey and not know who they are. This is with the exception of the Paddymister who is the person who started this board and has his picture up.

We can also choose to have our own picture in our avator (I'm the driver in mine but no one can make it out). I have also posted a personal picture here with me in it - only because I felt comfortable doing so.

Really, this group of posters are my 'cyber friends' no harm done in talking to them and often (well more than often) it is helpful...

I do hope that this has helped you, please do call in again. We would be very pleased to see you again,

Hi qwerky, what an honest and well written expressive peice of writing! I can relate to everything you have just said and im sure many many others on this site will relate also. The "mask" you speak of. Yip i have one of them too and the anger and lashing out at those who care about you, yip thats normal too. Its like we are despare for help but when we ask for it we are fearful of the reactions of others whether it be good or bad. Its easy to hurt the ones closest to us and it only makes us more depressed.

Have you been to see your GP? IF you havnt make an appointment, dont be embarrased tell your GP everything you have just told us! They will probably run blood tests to rule things out and then get you the help you do need.

You say its been going on for a long time years maybe, well in my opinon (im no expert just someone going through similar things) years are too long to be feeling that way. They say even months of feeling down is too long. So i do think seeing a doctor is the best thing. If you are not comfortable with that. Id write down a list of things that used to make you happy, things you used to enjoy doing. Try and see if you can get back that life where you were happy. If its not working or is too hard then see your doctor.

Once again i congratulate you for being so open and honest with us. Seriously it took me a long time to even get the strength to say what you have just said so take courage in that you have already made a huge step and its only upwards from here. Goodluck and keep us posted.

All the best
claire

Hey qwerky,

Yes you may be putting up a mask. We do it a lot and you may appear to be happy go lucky to your work mates but truer to your real self with your friend. I it is good that you have got her.

Sadly pushing people away is normal. We dont want them close to us for fear that we will hurt them or they will hurt or adandon us. It is better we reject them then they reject us mentality which is false. Also we have the idea they will not understand. They may not know or understand what we are going through but they want to try.

In terms of falling in with the wrong crowd at college, drink and drugs I think you will find a fair few of us have done that. We are trying to find our identity, who we are and we experiement. Part of that is rebullion and experimenting.Congrats on being stright and sober.

As for posting on a forum, as it was pointed out we do not know who each other is, we just use our handles. Some of us have contact with each other outside the forum (text, msn, face to face) but it is cos we feel comfitable doing so. I will just remind you, you get otu of something what you put in.

As to where to go from here a good doctor or counsellor will be a good start.

Keep us updated

when you say pushing people away and lashing out with anger as being normal..are you meaning, normal as in 'normal', or normal as in the normal signs of depression?

Umm with the trauma as a young child- There is nothing that I can really think about at this time. Another thing had happened at the time dad got sick, but nothing when I was quite a lot younger.

By the way..Thanks so much for the support and help!

as in normal for someone with depression

Bugger..ok...No matter..It will get better..I hope..

I found it became worse before it Got alittle better Querky!
Took me a couple of years of being an arsehole to myself
before I entertained seriously,that I may have depression.

There are many roads to take,enroute wellness
(yours will appear in front of you)
but walk you must do,as to DO NOTHING is bad.

Comming here is Good.
You'l meet all sorts of ppl in various places and spaces within their Wellness Journies;some at the beguining some at the end.

Time it takes,
so nestle-in and learn to be a friend to Yourself in the mean-time,and this SELF you seek will make itself known in due course, as it does to all who seek the truth of Life.

From my perspective,
alot of self-knowlede arises out of illness.

Just like every type of pain I guess aye.

*sigh* well I'm going to bed.

Ciao

NOT all pain is containable.

how areyou today qwerky?

ummm..shit.. but crap happens right

It sure does ... and old saying about pouring down??

Well that's right too.

How are you finding this site, see you and maat were txt writing in the chatbox earlier.

we were? I've only just started on this site the other day- Still trying to get my head around it all. I don't remember doing that- I could very well be wrong though

sorry my mistake it was Olivia.

There are alot of newbies to this site lately, the old brain can't keep up.

Not a prob.

I'm off-have a nice night

welcome back.
welcome back.
omg'D,
i JUST REALISED I am in the ladies.
Sorry,I came in thro (view new posts since last visit)and never thought to check....


shuffles~out tip-toe and in reversing mode ~

Thanks. I don't have much to say so I don't think I'll be chatting much..

you might when you feel good and ready,

otherwise, just observe us all here instead,

you might when you feel good and ready,

otherwise, just observe us all here instead,

Hi qwerky90
The following quote is by Paddy....

"Take care, and feel free to use this place as and how you need to"

I wanted to share this with you because here at TBBD there are many threads/post/spaces where you can 'use this place how you need to'. For instance if you want to vent, journal, etc you can ask for no comments...or for comments as you have on this thread.

I get the impression that you may be closing a door that you may need to keep open. I have learnt this from experience.

I hope we can help in some way... know that members on here do care. Are sharing with you their 'troubles' to let you know your not alone.

Arohanui, take special care

LOL GM so does that mean I can lurk in the mens room???

hehehehe

qwerky hope you are doing fine,

You guys make make me laugh.

i hope so 'cause although we all use it as a mask, it is the best medicine!