Loneliness is killing me

Hi everyone at The Big Black Dog chat room.  I am new here, I just joined up yesterday, this was after experiencing a very lonely and mentally painful Christmas day. My primary contact with a real person was with Emergency Psychiatric Services who in terms of them offering support to someone who was in severe mental distress felt like to me that they are the psychiatric front-line equivalent to the old comedy TV program "Dad's Army" in regards to how incompetent a couple of people that I spoke to were with me.
First a bit about myself.  I am 48 years of age male who lives in Dunedin. I suffer from social phobia-anxiety / depression / and some aspects of Borderline Personality Disorder.  Not a great introductory selling point to who I am - I know.  But it is me just being real.  The reason that I have come onto this chat-room website is that I am looking for, and also wanting to make connections to other people, like yourselves, who are authentically REAL about how they really are.
Please don't let my 'diagnosis' scare you off, because beyond the label of my diagnosis is a real person who is very much hurting, and who is in a lot of pain just now, just as many of you out their have been also.  I have therefore written a more accurate account of who I really am so that you may be able to understand the person behind the diagnosis much better which I have titled "My Everyday Glass Bubble Reality"

My Everyday Glass Bubble Reality

Dear Recipient, (to whoever wishes to take any notice)

Imagine if you will for a moment that socially your life right up to the present-day existed within a solid glass bubble.  The role and function of this solid glass bubble was to provide you with a measurable degree of protection.  This protection was necessary since there was no benevolent Father figure to protect you, or even an emotionally available Mother to nurture you. In effect, you were left to your own limited resources of self-protection by erecting barriers against the outside world that was very capable of inflicting harm onto you.  This is basically how I could fend for myself.  However, a tradeoff for this defense mechanism involved making a deal in which your life was to be lived within the safe confines of a self-imposed exile, what this means is that you must sacrifice your life as a Social Being, and to suffer the consequences of pervasive emotional starvation.

The consequences of this sacrifice at first, are not immediately apparent, as it does operate successfully to relieve short-term suffering, but then, as one lost experience after another accumulates a life pattern begins to develop as you;

Forgo the warm, comforting feeling of a simple human touch.
Forgo receiving support and encouragement when you need it most.
Forgo meeting strangers who may become your life-long friends.
Forgo the many fun-filled, care-free, happy summertime experiences with these friends, as these will one day become a rich treasure trove of fond memories in which you are able to share with others.
Forgo the special intimacy of being loved by that special person in your life.
Forgo being involved in all those special moments of raising your own off-spring, as this natural instinct will be driven out of you.
Forgo sharing the Autumn years of your life surrounded by an extended family who loves and cares for you right through to the end.

A condition of existence within the glass bubble is that you may observe other people interacting within the social sphere.  But you are not allowed to have to much direct participatory involvement, in terms of having shared interaction, or experiences with others.  Normal social reality is only allocated to, and reserved for other people to have, and to enjoy.  Therefore you may watch life, but forget about having experiences as you will not be able to contribute anything new to the life's of others, because they already have obtained what's most important to them from other people, who are already in their lives anyway.

Due to this extent of inaccessibility to one's social dimension, how could one's persona not manifest into powerful, angry, and bitter emotional undercurrents that drags one under?  Especially since from the inside of this cocoon you have tried tapping away to gain someone's, anyone's attention, but no-one even notices your existence within this private self-contained hell.  This is when you realize that potentially one day you may just find yourself slipping away unnoticed, as you may either quietly wither away and die, or alternatively, violently erupt before exploding.  This is due to the daily, then yearly, and then even decades of pent-up compounding torturous feelings of loss and grief that ultimately accumulates to become just too much to bear anymore, even for yet another single day.  Yet this is not the type of grief that eases over time - OO-no quite the opposite, it intensifies as you mourn for the lost possibilities of each passing day.  At this point you find yourself seriously considering the question; Why did I come into this life in the first place, if I am not wanted or needed, anywhere, by anyone?  As an orphan off life itself, I am left alone to contemplate the cold harsh reality of the trade-off that I had made so long ago, that has now resulted in my own meaningless and tragic fate of 'human life redundancy.'  What if this was your own life experience?  Because it is mine.

By Camelot (first written 24/2/2014)