Funny how things sneak up on you

It's funny how things sneak up on you. One day things are great the world is your oyster per say. And the next you realize that you suffer from major depression a disease of the brain. For so long the  the word depression was just that a word. My partner at the time thought I was depressed and often as us males are guilty of I just blamed my mood swings on been tired or stress. So 2 years later I wake up one day and just clicked... Why do i feel like this... Why do I doubt myself so much and query what my partner does. Why does the slightest critique dig so deep. Also why do I take things out of context so easily a d get frustrated and angry. Why do I hurt the people that are priceless to me.

I sat on these thoughts for a few days and almost struggled to remember the good times the well times. The disease had fooled my brain into thinking this is normal. So i did some tests online to see if they thought I was depressed... They all said yes but even then. My brain tells me it's just a phase harden up.... 

At this stage of my life my long term parter would have put up with me been sick.... Trying to help someone that didn't think they needed help.

I sat down 2 weeks ago and decided yes I am unwell I need some help. I tried to sit my partner down to explain how bad I felt and how important she was to me and how could I get some help an would she come for the ride of rebuilding myself.

It was to late.. She had fell out of love with me and given up the fight.... and told me it was over

Boom the shock and horror of this almost gave me whiplash. I was sobbing I could not believe how everything could just be taken away dreams, goals a beautiful partner the house everything up in the air gone or going. 

This was 2 weeks ago, I still feel the loss, hurt and pain. So much it's like I'm living in a dreamland.

I found a Xmas card to my now ex partner from one of her friends wishing a fantastic year next year now she is free and can be outrages. It almost took me back to square one. I sent her a MSG saying how much it hurt to real the card I just got a cold reply saying how nice a card it was etc 

At this stage I was trying to work out on my treadmill as much a I could to try and pick myself up. Eating healthy but not enough. This still did not help, I could. Not take my mind of my ex having a great time shacking up with other blokes etc. it made me feel sick

So I did one of the hardest things i have done, I was lucky and managed to get an appointment with my dr. So I sat down my doc said what's the issue. Now my doc is a bloody big chap ex rugby player but a nice guy.

Holding back tears that come all to easy ATM I said I feel like shit, and proceeded to voice my issues and also my guilt for the failure of my relationship. God it was hard but to talk to someone and have them just nod and understand.

He then explained that I have suffer from major depression. And have had this for sometime he sat me down and explained that it's more common that I would think and often under diagnosed due to men just thinking its a phase or stress.

My doctor said he wanted me to see a psychologist and also put me on meds

So I now have my brain pills and am armed with what the issue is.

I did some long reading on the Internet about male depression and it was almost like reading a book about the last two years of my life it was unbelievable... It helped me find some resolve in how I had been acting and how I felt. 

I can find some help in the fact that my partner has left me due to a sickness I had. And that I'm not just an ugly bad person. 

I'm starting to remember the old me.

But I can now see that beating this issue is going  to be so very hard and on going for sometime. But I will

I still feel all the hurt god so much.... I miss my ex so much I loved her with every ounce of me.... I wish I could change things that went on and how I felt with things. I understand my partner was not perfect she had her faults as well, and suffered from depression and was taking meds and talking to councilors when I first meet her, I had seen the person she was and helped her along the ride of getting well.

Now I have swapped places with her. And god I wish she was here to see me get better and get involved.....

But anyhow I hope someone might learn from mistakes and take something from this early journey 

But hello my name is Ricki and I suffer from depression

And sorry for the shocking typos etc, the MSG was sent from my phone

Hi Ricki

I refer to myself as head less - as on the bad days I may as well have no head.....

Welcome to a special group of seriously awesome people. I've had low level depression pretty much all my life and thought I was normal swinging around in my crazy little world. Then over the last 2 years I was hit with some really devistating events that flicked me into full blowen depression and then diagnosed with PTSD.

My GP was great for me too and as much as it is really hard to come to terms with the diagnosis of 'mental health disorder' and dealing with the ups and downs of beginning to take medication I really do believe that this is the beginning of my life. The lable and the meds don't constitute a cure but when you understand what is going on you can work towards action plans and becomming well (on the good days). The more work/learning you can get done on the good days the more prepared you are for the bad ones. On the bad days just breath.

This may seem like such a weird thing to say but congratulations on your diagnosis, and the opportunity it brings for a far better future.

Headless12

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