It never ends

sometimes the depression receeds a bit,just out of sight,
maybe theres some pleasure in my life..something to feel good about,
some fun.
I even think "sweet,got it now"..but always it returns.
and if some quirk of life occurs,a relationship breakup,job loss or earthquake for example..then it decends.
i drink to try and help things ..which of course is plain crazy cause that makes things worse,i know that but i still do it.
The aloneness drives me to the pub.
This depression has driven me into isolation,which is cruel because i love people and am acctually an extrovert.
im so lonely its humiliateing.
recently i have started to realise that my personality has changed because of the battle,im not that nice to be around these days
ive soured and become negative,the loneliness has made me weak and a little desperate..
im not likeing the way this story is headed.
I have no idea how to change things..ive done the counciling,im off to the doc this afternoon to get back on antis,last time i took them i felt like a zombie
frankly i will take that zombie state over how im feeling now
nothing ever seems to work for me,it never ends.

Hey Jeff

I am really sorry to read about how youre feeling at the moment. It must be really hard to deal with at times and all of you people living in CHCH have my deepest admiration for staying so strong through all that youve endured over the last year down there

I have some experience with depression but Ive come through the other side now and Ive managed a couple of years without an episode despite, and even maybe because, putting myself under a small amount of stress!!

I understand the need to isolate and get away from everything and everyone and the guilt I felt no matter how I chose to handle it too. It seemed no matter what I did nothing changed.

Im not sure when the change happened exactly but I hit quick sand and this place threw me a stick to pull me out (thanks Pat!). I started going outside of myself a little each day ... treating myself to something nice, walking outside in the sun (good stuff sun), and reading for fun ... and not that self-help stuff (which has its place at times), but crap stuff ... cos it amused me.

I also learned to breath ... and I mean properly, from the diaphragm, hypnotic stuff, and most of us dont do it properly so we miss out on that oh so important oxygen.

Ommmmmmmmmmm became my favourite word for a while but you might be over vibrations so I'll understand if you dont wanna do that one atm lol

This may all be stuff youve already tried but all I know is it worked for me somehow ...

oh yeah, and I gave up the booze (but I had serious issues there) and I asked for help here ... a LOT ... drove people mad no doubt but they listened and let me think I was helping them ... kind generous souls ... and maybe I did help someone a little bit, who knows ... but they, and this place, and breathing sure helped me.

Eating is good too ... dont forget to eat ... and not just pills (antid's have their place for sure) but real food is good too. Carrots ... orange is a good colour for food and many many other things ... I highly recommend eating something orange everyday ... and not just oranges. Find other orange things eat (I said eat ... orange cocktails dont count lol) ... make it a mission.

And, come in here ... but get out THERE too ... the sun is coming but apprently its only visiting briefly atm so best to be ready waiting for it I reckon. NAd if a little rain shall fall while youre waiting then lap it up ... thats free water you dont have to pay rates for!

Oh and have you tried DRUM/Percussion therapy? ... me either, when a counsellor I stopped seeing suggested it to me I almost threw the drum at her ... but apparently she's still recommending it and some people like that sort of thing (just not me)! But that was years ago and as I think I said above I actually like the vibration a good OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM gives me

And last but not least if youve gotten to the end of this and are thinking ... this woman is completely mad and knows nothing about MY depression ... console yourself with the thought that for a few moments what a crazy woman wrote on a noticeboard stopped you thinking about YOUR crazy and made you think about HERS!

I hope things are looking up .... thats a good one too ... looking up ... just not while youre under power lines or trees!

I'll go now ... or we could be here all week ... like a bad comedian in Vegas!

ZenMonsta wrote:
Oh and have you tried DRUM/Percussion therapy? ... me either, when a counsellor I stopped seeing suggested it to me I almost threw the drum at her ... but apparently she's still recommending it and some people like that sort of thing (just not me)! But that was years ago and as I think I said above I actually like the vibration a good OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM gives me

Heh, didn't know there was an actual therapy based on drums. Not too surprising though, I've found playing drums some help. I don't have any real drums but a video game, Rockband. That comes with an electronic drum set. You still use drumsticks, but the drum pads don't make much noise when you hit them.