I haven't been here for a while but I need some support atm.

Hey there guys.

I haven’t been online for a while, mainly because I know people here didn’t like what things I did to get help. I have grown up since then. And I regret most of the things I have done. But I wouldn’t be the same new person if I didn’t do those things.

For those who dont know me, I am Lizzie AKA Woppow. I am 19 and a true Cantab. I have had suicide attempts since I was 15, been in hospital more times than I can count. I have also self-harmed a lot. I have been labeled with Borderline personality disorder (BPD), Post-traumatic stress disorder, Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Major depressive disorder (MDD) Schizophrenia and Anxiety. And my good friend took her life in feb 2009. (that’s just a quick overview of my life)

While I havent been on I have had some major changes. My mum and Dad broke up and my mum got a new "friend", My dog died, I was living in a flat by myself. After the earthquakes, I had a very bad suicide attempt. After losing a close friend in the CTV building. I spent in night in the ED, and in the morning the crisis team saw me, and told me they couldnt admit me to either hospital or respite because they were on limited used. So I got sent home (which at this time was at my mums because my flat got damaged in the quake) Altho I told them that I will try and end my life as soon as I got home. At this point I knew I needed help but noone in Christchurch could help me because they were pushed to the limit. So I drove up to Auckland to live up there - or at least stay for a few months until the mental health system in chch got better. That was a bad move, I spent most of the time in hospital or respite. I tried Kronic for the first time in Auckland. after being in Auckland for 9weeks. I had such a bad trip. It lasted for over a week, I decided it was time to come back to Christchurch. So I drove home. When I came back to Christchurch I stayed with my mum. While I was away mum asked her new boyfriend to move in. It took me 3 weeks to get over the side effects of the kronic. In which time I tried ending my life a few times. After the third time my mum sat with me in hospital and told me how this was affecting her. It was a real eye opener! It made me think long and hard. My mum couldnt handle me living with her, so it was decided I would move into a residential house (it has 6 other teens living here, 24/7 staffing. The staff help you learn life skills and how to life with a mental illness.)
Moving into Stepping Stones has been the best thing I have done! I have been living here for about 2 and half months. and in that time I haven't cut once! I have started a new therapy for people with BPD, I go to group once a week and one-on-one once a week. . I have only been to see the crisis team twice but both those times it was just to get some pills to help me sleep. For me this is a huge thing! I used to always tell people I was going to end my life and then the police would be called. And I would waste EVERYONES time. I used to offer go to the cells/hospital twice a week.
Only bad thing about living here is that there is another client living here who is into drugs. He often shout me drugs. Which I find hard to say no to. But I am doing role playing with my therapist to help me to say no.

The main reason why I am posting today is me and my mental health team decided it would be good to see what I am like without meds. Because I am on a lot - Fluoxetine, Quetiapine, Zopiclone, Olanzapine and Ritalin. And I have been on them for years. We are doing it slowly. I have stopped taking the Olanzapine for just over a week now and I am feeling like I am going backwards. I am not eating, and lying in bed all day ect.
I want to live without meds but I think I still need them. I just feel soo alone at the moment. And I would love to have someone to talk to. And last time I was on here I meet some great people who are still in my life.


I need a big hug, I dont want to go back to the old me.

Well here's a big hug from me I have just come off my meds because I felt that it was time, I'm afraid I will go back to my old ways too. Good that you are with Stepping Stones I am with LINK in Rangiora and believe without this support I wouldn't be here today. Take it slowly, fill your days (I find if my days are busy I don't slip into my ways even if its going to the library, stepping stones or just going out for a walk). It's certainly hard to get balance!

Wop,

hiya hon, and well done for taking the plunge and joining in with Stepping Stones. Its a good outfit, from what I know of it. I lived in a Richmond Fellowship flat in Linwood with a variety of folk, and I understand how the actions of others in that sort of environment, can be hard to ignore or not take part in.

Have a talk with the staff, Wop - its why they are they are there - and they understand that not everyone can fit into that sort of living environment, and that the chap into drugs, sounds like one who maybe isn't ready to be there yet.

You certainly seem to have made some big changes, Congratulations cos I know its not easy to change behaviours that become habits. So, I'll offer a Hug too, hows that sound?

So, you stay safe and well, and keep up with the taking better care of you, won't you. Excellent!

Paddy.

Stay strong Ive been on and off my meds for the last 9 years so I know how you feel! Remember to talk to your mental health team let them know how your feeling and what effects coming off the meds are having on you.

It sounds like you've made some really positive changes in your life so congrats Ive found when coming off meds (and most other aspects of trying to get better) the saying "slow and steady wins the race" rings true.

Take care Vicki

well done you, sooo awsome the changes and progress you are making wop, that is just awsome!!

big hugs and huge congratulations. keep up the great work!

I am back on all my meds. I think for the time I need them all. which is abit of a downer. but I have now started the ymca holiday program. - I am going off to bed! yes I know its 6.30. lol


thank you sooo much everyone for your replies! When i read it my heart goes warm! - so lame but yeah

hey, it's not lame. I get warm fuzzies when someone just replies back to my post. And I'm heading for bed early too! Holiday program should be fun, I'm thinking of taking my 4 year old in to the botanical gardens to see the gnome grotto on Friday. I've got a carpal tunnel op next Tuesday and I am already getting really anxious!! BUT I know it has to be done (just holding a cup makes my hand go numb, typing for longer than a couple of minutes and it goes numb! Wish me luck! If you need meds than its a good idea to take them, my mum was annoyed that I stopped taking mine (but I think I am ready, we will see if I have a massive low or not)!

Wow Woppow ...

I think all of you people in CHCH are doing an amazing job of keeping yourselves just functioning after all the stress youve been through. Then on top of that YOU and so many others have a ll this other stuff to deal with. My hat is off to you for sure.
Its important to be able to voice whats right for you to those poeple who try to help cos they arent living in your head.

I hope the school holiday programme is a blast for you .. and dont worry about going to bed early ... Ive been on work placement for a few weeks and Ive been asleep by 7.30 or 8pm every night. The body's gotta do what the bodies gotta do!