Just for me

I think Im talking too much at the moment, and dont want to swamp every thread, so I think I will just try writing in here for a bit. In fact Im writing all over the web at the moment - international advice bureau, just call me! I have no idea if what I am saying is any good, but it seems really on the nail at the time!

Holey moley, life is a strange thing! I am feeling good today! and yesterday! and hopefully tomorrow!

Little stabs of doubts come floating in trying to sabotage the happiness and make me worry that perhaps I shouldnt be feeling quite this good when a few days ago I was (un)happily planning my demise. But got to take the good when ya can get it!

Ive been thinking about Egypt. Such political unrest and upheaval. Such pain for people. Such perseverance admist adversity. I think political unrest is so much more likely during a recession. Hopefully good changes will come from what they are doing. Unbelieveable too that a whole country can just turn their internet off overnight!

There was such a lovely dance on Got To Dance, and it feels like I need to tell the world about it! Probably most of the world have already seen it, because being in NZ our TV is rarely up to date! It was a dance by a group of kids called The Box, to the song Hallelujah (God I love that song!). http://sky1.sky.com/semi-final-3-the-box-performance. Im loving everything at the moment. There is an emoticon vying for my attention as I am writing this. This one ---> I mean how good is that! Ah, life, gotta love it! That dance and song though, its really got to me. So ethereal, so beautiful. I think I liked it so much because it made me feel close to God.

My psychiatrist has big feet. I noticed today that he has big shoes. I think though that quite a bit of the shoe is unfilled toe room. The sole of his left shoe had an engraved bit in it. I presume that the sole of his right shoe would be the same - but I almost had to check it out. Managed to stop myself from asking if I could see it. I dont know why I was taken with his feet today. He is quite a nice person I think, but his answer is simply have some more meds. He is just such a doctor in that way! I am trying to be receptive, to listen - but Im so against meds at the moment! Dr P was different - she also had a psychological formulation approach that I found really helpful. She also said 'more meds' but there was also a bit of a 'non-medical model' rationale to it. Made the pill(s) easier to swallow (ha ha, pun, Im so clever!).

I dont want to take meds. I also want to sleep. Zopiclone just isnt doing it. Why is it that 2 of them knocked me out for a night and now 2 hardly even knocks, just kind of nudges me to sleep for a maximum of 3 hours. Fortunately I seem to be needing less sleep than I used to! I am battling with myself about this whole med thing. Part of me sees that I need to get some sleep, and a huge part of me says meds are dangerous! meds imprison me! meds make me at other people's mercy! meds make me vulnerable! meds mean I stockpile then OD and how counterproductive is that! meds are bad, bad, bad! I am scared of meds. Im scared of insulin! Im scared of me! Down with the meds I say! Down, down, down!

I went shopping today! bought some clothes for my niece, nephew and mum - ranging in age from 3 to 79, each as adorable at the other. I love my family! I have accidently found myself in debt. I need to change that! Last time was thousands and my family bailed me out and dont want to have that happen again. I booked 'accommodation' in the Deep South but am hoping that I can unbook that! Fortunately I was going to hitchhike down there, so havent lost money on air tickets...I have spent so much money on air tickets that I havent then used!

I bought new jeans today! How cool is that! They fit until they get to my tummy....ICK, how uncool is that! Fucken fat. Disgusting. I have struggled (valiantly I must say) not to give myself my own form of Tummy Tuck.

"Hallelujah"

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

What a beautiful, beautiful song. I love it! I feel like recently I have really made my peace with God. Amen.

Amen & Amen~

im so glad you are having more good days, that is just sooooooo awsome, its your time to shine, you go gurl!

Your not talking to much at all, its good when people post, like someone else said, it makes this an interesting place to hang out, here is good too anywhere, u just post wherever your lil heart deisres! I enjoy reading your posts

Im glad you got something out of ur psych appointment lol even if it was the shoe size!

your doing great, keep smiling gurl xx

Dear NZM! Thank you for your kind comments!

Now, I am just waiting for your text saying how you are. There are rules. Rules of the Universe. Apparently. One of those is that if you send me a text asking how I am, you must respond with an honest one of how youre doing too! grin. Otherwise I tend to worry!

i have to agree with that one maisie from nz mum good at going round the question
hope you all good maisie

Well, its funny how ya mind works isnt it! I have been thinking about plastics since yesterday. How they contribute to our lives but how they contribute to the distress of the environment as well. I have been thinking poor dolphins and penguins getting caught up in nets in the sea. Happy Feet anybody? I think I have been thinking all this because of my meds. How am I contributing in ways that I dont want to be? I feel like I should take my med containers back to the chemist so that they can recycle them. Even if they cant recycle them for other people, they could use the same containers for me each time. That would save a container a day! Is that the plastic equivalent to a tree?! Maybe together we could save a plastic forest!!! Maybe a lego set!

I am also worried about Egypt, and excited for them. I have a feeling of responsibility that I should be doing something to help. I dont know what I could do though. I could go over there and pass out leaflets or something? Maybe not!

I have found 2 cars that I want to buy! One is a suzuki swift, lovely and shiney red, 5 years old, and just SO CUTE! The other is a Peugot 206, it is silver, and cute but in a less sexy way! its also 8 years old. One is $15,000 and the other is $8900! I am going over and over in my head about the merits of the two. Is the red one worth so much more because it is red? Its a difference of 3 years in age, one with 23000 kms and the other 73000 kms. I think that probably the silver one is a better buy, but im blinded by the shinyness of the red car. All of this seems really important to me. A peugot sounds so much more sophisticated than a suzuki. So I am mulling over this. I dont want to pay too much money. I try to keep in mind that I have no money at all to buy a car and that really this is simply a no go. But it seems a very real problem to me at the moment. Im personally leaning towards to the red one. In for a penny in for a pound!

Do you need a passport to go to Australia? or can a ticket just be booked and you go?

I am going traveling next week! Im really excited. I am going to be a free spirit! Fuck it, Im already a free spirit! Im just going to be a bit freer!

I have Conquered The Plaza! Day 2 kicking butt! I have new glasses. No worries about people, no worries about what to say to the optomerist people - Just call me Al! And my glasses were ready! They are red. Red is my new colour. See, Im meant to have that red car!!!!

Oh, oh, oh! I have Blisters On The Soles Of My Feet (actually just one, but its a day of song lyrics!). I love that I have a blister! It represents movement. I have been walking, and I have the Blister to show for it! :dancing:

I also pulled a stomach muscle clipping a toenail! Truly, it cramped! for about 20 seconds! Ouch! How pathetic is that!?! Im going to try it again so that I can say that today I have done Crunches, plural! I have walked everywhere the past few days and nights and I feel that I have an energy force around my body!

I have just WOKEN UP! That means that I have Had Some Sleep!

The birds are singing, the sky is blue, and I can hear Karen Carpenter about to sprinkle star dust in my hair and in my eyes of Blue! I dont want to play Solitaire, and I dont want to go where Fashion Fits, Putting On The Ritz!

Today I am getting ready for A Man. I often get ready for A Man on Sundays, but usually its God! I havent been to Gods House for a few weeks! (Sorry God, I just cant seem to do it at the moment!). I have pampered and pruned! Ive been trying for MONTHS to have the energy to shave my legs! Now I have shaved everywhere! I have even 'cleansed' my skin. I Havent moisturised because I worry that it will make my skin Shiney! I like Shiney, but only in Horses and Cars! Red Cars is my preference (but is it worth the extra money - grr, I dont know, I just cant solve this one yet!).

I am worried about my New Glasses Case! It is yellow. Its not that I dislike Yellow in itself. Its just that I think only certain somethings should be Yellow. Like Bananas. I like Bananas, and I like that they are Yellow. But the New Glasses Case is Too Bulky, and just too banana-ery Yellow to Look Right. I guess what Im saying is that the New Glasses Case just ISNT one of those 'certain somethings' that should be Yellow! It worries me.

Im so relieved! I Conquered The Plaza yet again! Day 3! and my New Glasses Case is now Black instead of Yellow, Yay! Unfortunately is still has Budget Eyewear inexorably printed on the inside! Im sorry Budget Eyewear, I will use your shop for cheaper glasses but I Dont Particularly Want to advertise that fact! I may just pop into the $2 Shop and get another case, advertisement free!

I havent yet heard from A. Man today! What is with that? we were meant to spend the afternoon together. At least it meant my legs got shaved. There has to be a positive in there! Maybe I scared him!

I am troubled by various thoughts Today, which I will just keep to myself for a while I think. Part of me wants to solve Every Problem. I certainly seem to have The Solutions at the moment! Just do as I say and the world will be fine kind of thinking! and I can understand that people are not necessarily going to be receptive to that!

There are things Bugging me. They are playing Over and Over in My Mind. Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow. Let it Go, Let it Go, Let it Go!

i found that song by lenard cohen, is it fast or slow the one you have heard? this one is slow, not sure if its the right one but the lyrics are the same

Its very slow! Do you like it?

Yesterday! All my troubles were so Far Away! --- And that is where They Can Bloody Well Stay!

I have a Few Things To Do today. They are Things That Need To Be Done. Im not looking forward to them! Runaway Train!

I am also Waiting For God to tell me what to do! If A happens then so does B. If A doesnt happen the B mightn't! So come on God, what are we going to do about A? A Wing and a Prayer!

Good luck u

I have seen Quite A Few people today. Okay, I concede that I am Feeling Pretty Good. There are two people in whose opinion I really take On Board, my Counsellor and my KeyWorker! They are both a bit worried I might crash, but I actually have No Worries about that! It seems inconceivable to me. Somewhere inside I am still grounded, and that is recognised by them (and me!).

I am actually Going On Holiday, and going to make my way round the South Island. I am going to have a regular Monday call with one and a Thursday call with the other. I can contact my KW if I need to, and I can email my counsellor. This will Stop Them From Worrying and Gives Me An Anchor!

I catch the plane tomorrow at 7am! Excited! I hadnt known how to tell them I was going, but decided I had to tell them before I went. I SO wanted To Just Go! Good Call, because the KW said she would have called The Police(!!) if I had done that! But now instead, they arent worried, and are really supportive of the Whole Thing, as are my family whom I also told today!

Im Feeling The Love!

I DO have Worries! My Mum may be going into Hospital but I have talked to her and our doctor and nurse today, and she may Be Okay too and they advise I still go. So I am still going to go, but I am going to take my cellphone with me! I Really Did Not want to do that, but there is the possibility I may have to come home unexpectedly, so I need to be available. Also if I was uncontactable, which is Just What I Really Really Want - then my counsellor and KW would be more worried, and less supportive of the Whole Thing!

I talked to my counsellor about stuff today that I have not talked to anyone about. It just came Quiety, Unexpectedly, and Naturally. I loved her analogy of being on a Train with Trauma attached, but I drive it, as far and as fast as I want to, and I put on the Emergency Brake whenever I need to. Maybe, just possibly in that kind of way, I will be able to work through some stuff that is like debri scattered over the Tracks of My Life!

have a great holiday, how long are you going for?

Oh My God. I got quite a fright today. I found a lump under my tongue, and when I looked at it, it Looked Awful. Kind of like a Horned Toad. I asked the chemist what she thought - she said it was very infected and to go the the GP. GP and Nurse looked and said How Odd! Have some antibiotics! Instead I went home and squeezed the thing with tweezers. No Luck! So I got a needle and poked and prodded - and then All Of A Sudden - Kaping! and out came this full-tooth sized Yellow (I dont think that this is a 'certain something' that should be allowed to be Yellow either!) hard stone thing! It turns out that is just what it was - a Salivary Stone! How Weird is That?! No Song Title Available For This Instance!

I really thought that God was punishing me for doing some Un-God-like Stuff.

Speaking of Which - I have heard from A. Man today! However I am Excited about Other Things in my life now - Holidays! I have just borrowed and CatWalked my brother's pack! On this holiday I will Travel Light, and only have One Bag! Not even a handbag I have decided. I have decided that by doing this I will be Tres Cool And Funky! I may not be Sexy - the bag is Too Big (see, How Cool is it to be able to blame your own lack of Sexyness on a pack!) - but I SHALL be Tres Cool and Funky! At least I will believe that. At least for tonight!!

I have just put the clothes that I want to take with me in the Wash. I am realising that Leaving Home at 5.30am means that this may not have been the Best Idea. I think I thought that because I cant sleep that my clothes would also be active in participating in gaining their own Dryness and not just Nod Off for the night. I may be wrong. I shall leave it to the clothes to decide. If they are wet, I shall Just Pack Them Wet! They can dry in Christchurch instead!

I have had Quite A Few compliments over the Past Few Days. People say There is something different about you. Yes, it could be the New Red Glasses, It could be the Bright Top, or the Bright Shoes - but actually its that I Am Happy.

Praise be!

.

I dont know who Sark is! But I have No Option now but to go and Google Her. Just One Thing I want to know - Is he/she Sexy?

NZM - I dont know how long Im going for! That is part of the beauty of the Whole Thing! I have no plans, no idea where I will be staying, nor how long for! From tomorrow (6.35am Report In Time) I shall be a Free Spirit!

awsome~~ you have a fantastic time stay happy anddd i have to say it, BEHAVE!

Where Have All the Flowers Gone?
Long time passing

I dont know what is wrong with me. Today I could have jumped the moon, tonight I want to be buried under the moonlight.

Fuck, Sleep Come Please.

The past few weeks have been really, really awful. Im still kind of reeling from it, trying to make sense of things. Im back on meds and I hate that they are making a difference. Let me rephrase that - I (really) appreciate not being like I have been recently, but I hate, hate, hate that I seem to need them. Already I can feel the quetiapine making me fatter.

My lovely keyworker told me last week she is leaving, and leaves tomorrow. Grr! I hate that. I had got really close with her, which isnt like me, and if I had known she was leaving so soon, then I would never have allowed that to happen. Its like being shown a rainbow and then that rainbow being taken away.

Damn it, why do I find relationship endings so difficult. I suck at them. It has been going round and round in my head about my keyworker leaving for days now. We had a crap conversation on Monday where we both got upset with each other, and where she cancelled our last meeting that was to be held on Wednesday because she didnt want to meet me 'if it is going to be like this' - 'this' being where I was just trying to explain how I felt with her not letting me know til a week out from her leaving that she was leaving, when I would have preferred that she had told me that she was applying for another job at the time she applied, which was way back at Xmas time, because then I could have protected myself, and not gotten attached to someone who was only going to be there for a few months.

Anyway, regardless of all that, I have really appreciated all that she has done for me. She has really been in my corner and believed in me. That is one of the sad things in a way too, because it is like she gave me a glimpse of a rainbow, and then with her leaving she takes that rainbow away. I needed her to help me decipher what has happened over the past few weeks; to help me cope with reading the psychologist's report that I havent read yet; to hear how she thought I could give up my career and do something else; and all sorts of other things.

The main thing I wanted her to know was that I believed in her too, that I appreciated her, and that I will miss her. I left a card and a flower for her at Community this morning. I had hoped she would call, so that we could have a good conversation, so that our last conversation reflected the good of our relationship, instead of the crappy conversation of earlier in the week. But she didnt call, and it was her last day today. Maybe I should of called her, but I didnt really have the confidence to today.

Keyworker didnt call, but I got a letter in the mail today. That got here fast, considering it was only yesterday morning I dropped the things off. I feel weird that I got a letter and not a phone call, and am beating myself up about all the reasons why that could be, but am trying to go with the thought that What the hell, its fine, though Im not really convinced!

Having a mixed day. Got asked to a birthday party for tonight, and I have been asked out and said no so many times, that I felt that I had to say yes this time if the friendship was to continue. But I have been wanting to cancel ever since I said yes, and am feeling very unconfident about going. Especially because I dont have my own transport so cant easily leave if I need to, which Im sure I will. Im suppose to stay the night, but cant see that happening really. So it will mean a taxi fare I cant afford. Its nice to be asked out but i just really dont want to go. I hate meeting and talking with people I dont really know.

Im also in a quandry with my meds. For the first time in weeks when I weighed myself instead of losing weight, I had put on 200grams. Im also yearning for crap food and lots of it, and it hasnt been like that since being off the meds. Its going round and round in my head. I really dont want to be taking meds, and maybe I dont really need them.