Anxiety and Stress

Hi,I am new to this board,and wonder if someone knows about this.I am 57 years old I am almost at 'burnout' I have been looking after my husband who is disabled for the last 5 years he is in a wheelchair,can feed and toilet himself can drive but can't retrieve his wheelchair out of the car at the destination,so needs me to go places. He has a paralysis that is slowly getting worse, affecting hands,arms and there is lots of nerve pain,(through a spinal injury)There has been no intimacy for this time,(he had a quad bypass as well) As time goes on and his health declines the pressure on me is increasing. I have a "disconnected" feeling towards him and the situation,is this normal?.He is in respite care at present he comes home in a few days. I also raised an adopted child from babyhood to adulthood who had foetal alcohol syndrome.Is this feeling "cumulative?' Sorry if this sounds mixed up.I have to go away for a while but will come back later.

Meg, Firstly, Welcome to TBBD family and thanks for both choosing to join us, and for your very interesting Post.

I think that your feelings are entirely normal, Megg and I doubt that you would be Human if this worsening situation wasn’t changing the way you view and think of lots of things.

It isn’t any where near the life you pictured for yourself, I’m certain and I can say that as a bloke both with Bi Polar and a deteriorating spinal injury incurred nearly 37 years ago.

That he has a chance to provide you with respite breaks is great, but its still not quite as hoped for in The Big Picture, is it hon?

These feels can most definitely be cumulative, and I hope that your questions and thoughts get more responses from members, both those with, and those living with, chronic or long term illness of any kind.

You take real gentle care of you First and Foremost Megg, because your top priority must be You.

Paddy.

Thankyou Paddy, I just hope that I end up in one piece, I feel "fragmented" at the moment.He does not "do" respite easily.

Dear Megg

Good thing you're here and welcome.

What you are describing are the feelings of loss and grief for the losses you have sustained. You are a woman in your prime looking forward maybe to a contented and happy golden era instead you have worries piling on top of you.

I know that hubby may not take easily to respite but you will be able to love him and care for him if you are rested and well in yourself. Remember it is not necessarily He who has to go into respite, you can. He must see what it is doing to you and if he can't tell him.

Good thoughts and blessings to you Megg. Love Martine

Thanks Martine.he says he'll go if it does any good,but "how would I feel if I was being sent away from home for a week?" So now herein lies the guilt trip.

Megg, listen.

Tell him that you as a couple are going to try the respite thing. Acknowledge to him that you will miss him as he will miss you.
Of course it will seem strange but point out at least its not the
both of you needing respite and that you will always be waiting
at home for him.

Tell him how tired you are and that you need some time to rest
and do girl things (hair done, a walk in the
mall, coffee with a mate in the park) and that hopefully both of
you will have had the break from each other. Spin it from the
point of view that its a "couple" thing and many couples take
seperate hols because they have different interests.

Good Luck, Martine xx

Hi Megg,

I was in a similar but different situation to your as a caregiver, so I can understand some of what you are going through. My ex-partner had tempoal lobe eplipsey which was poorly managed, in the last few months of her life she would seizure evry second or third day. In the end she passed through a seizure. I was her primary caregiver and had little or no supports around me.

In regards to asking if your burnout and stress can be clumative, I would say yes. The body produces certain chemicals when it is under stress and prolonged production of these chemicals cases a chemical imbalance which can lead to things like depression, thyord issues and cronic fatige syndrome.

Can I ask are you working aswell as careing for him? DO you have a carer come in to help out?

I must stress it is important for you to have some down time. I failed to do that and my partners health issue contribuated to me becomming unwell. The respite is a good idea, gives you a chance to recharge your batteries, but also you need to do things like maybe one night a week put sometime for yourself and see a moive, read a book or have a bubble bath with a bottle of wine.

At the end of our relationship we had drifted apart a bit, we were not as intermit as we had been to start off with. We were just drained, don't get me wrong, we still loved each other but the physical intamicy had come second.

Good luck.

Roswell

Thankyou for the input Roswell,you have really hit the nail on the head in your last sentence,I am not otherwise employed as my husband needs assistance to go to the doctor,etc I have tried to make sure I have downtime,I am trying to make sense of the relationship we now have as the foundations have been severely undermined.It's not behavioural,it's situational.