Help!!!

Hi, my name is Martin. I'm an alchoholic and a nicotine addict who has been diagnosed with Bipolar 2. I'm taking a cocktail of drugs to help - lithium, quetiapine, venlafaxine, zoplicone among others.
I can cope some of the time, but at others like right now, I sink to the absolute bottom of the pit.
I feel as if I'm hanging by a very thin thread, only a little way from taking an overdose and getting out of here.
I don't seem to be ablke to access any help - I have the phone number for the local CATT team but I hesitate to ring them - they must be flat out busy with other more important things than a 68 year old who has no redeeming features and doesn't deserve to live.
I'm just posting this in some blind hope that someone will read it and understand why I'm soon going to be getting out of here.
I've written a diary with some thoughts, and maybe my wife will read it after I've gone and understand whey.
Martin

Hi Martin,

Please ring the CATT team, they are there to help. I am sure they would rather help now when you need them, you are important even if you don't feel like it right now.
Hugs, Zin

Martin, first off, Welcome to The Big Black Dog Message Board, my friend.

Secondly, Bah Fucking Humbug matey. Ring the CATT Team number, ya bloody great wally. Make them earn their pay this week, why don’tchya.

Thirdly, you ain’t 'going anywhere', cos I have bad news for you.

TBBD is a Survivors Club, we’re in our third year online being us, and I ain’t ‘lost’ a member from here yet. You buddy, are not going to ruin my perfect record, because I don't know how, as the bloke who started this place, I'd cope with such a loss. Man, you'd piss me off if I had to spend the next 30 years wondering what I coulda done better for you.

I hate to tell you this, but … You can write as much and as elegantly as you can and nothing you write will ever come near being a solution or panacea to the guilt and pain and loss your lady will suffer as a result of your flawed decision making. And her income will probably go down too, being a widow and only the one pension coming in. That will be a huge help to her won't it, eh?

Ring that number. Just maybe, they can help. And ring your GP and ask to speak to the Practice Nurse. She or he will listen and he or she will be able to direct you to some help, or have it sent regardless.

You're not alone my friend.

I really do wish you and I could meet, cos in my 50 years, I ain’t yet met a person with no redeeming features etc. It would make an interesting First, but I suspect you’re not seeing yourself as others may do and that it wouldn’t take too long for something ‘nice’ or ‘good’ to pop outta the woodwork.

Let yourself understand the most important thing you wrote, Martin.

You have said there are times when you can cope – so, you know deep down that coping times will be back.

Ring the fucking CATT TEAM Martin.

Cos it don’t need to be like this and you know it.

I can’t apologise for not having written something soothing and comforting for you – I’ve written what I think needs saying, to help not only you, but others who may read this Thread, mate.

Whats your wifes name? Sounds like she will be needing some nurturing if you don’t stop this self pity jag. Ring the CATT people for her sake, if not yours. I’d say you feel like she’s carried too much of an imagined burden already so if you really cared about how and what she understands, you’d ring right now. I ain't met or heard of anyone yet, whose life and circumstances and happiness etc have been enhanced by a suicide in the family. It just don't work like that.

One last thing. Our site motto: misery isn’t compulsory!
Within ourselves, no matter how unwell we may be, is the key to happier, more settled and enjoyable times. Ring the CATT number, Martin.

Paddy Quinn,
Founder / Admin etc.
100% success record holder.

Hi Paddy - I hadn't expected anyone to reply at all, and certainly not this fast!
I hear some of what you're saying, but the CATT team number is for emergencies and they must be flat out already without taking on my shit.
Isn't it always true that the deeper you dig the hole the harder it is to drag yourself out? I feel that this hole I'm in is certainly one I've dug myself and I deserve it. When I get this low I find it hard to even look for help, let alone go asking for it. Trying this forum is certainly a first for me - the wonders of the modern age.
I'm not going to do anything right now apart from curl up in bed and have a damn good cry - that's how I feel.
More later, Martin

Martin,

I have just a few minutes ago telephoned your local CATT people and given a wee bit of info to them, asking that they get in touch with you asap.

Now, that mightn't please you a hell of a lot, but right now, I'm shaking like a leaf and kinda in awe of the fact that I voluntarily used a telephone and made a toll call at that.

Ya see, I have a most unkind telephone phobia and when I know its gunna ring back later today, 'tis not a happy prospect. But, it had to be done.

Thanks for helping me face that one, mate. Been an interesting day, one way or another.

Now - let them help!

Paddy.
Admin, tea lady, etc.

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Thanks Paddy, Mark (CATT) & WOWINNZ.
I guess having someone care and having someone to talk to has helped.
As I told Mark, I'm off to Dunedin tomorrow to do some decorating on my daughter's house - that's been one of the strands of the thread that's kept me here. At least I'll feel as if someone hasd a need for me.
She (the daughter) is expecting our first grandchild at Christmas - that might be another strand to hang on to....
Thanks again guys - I've just had an hour curled up on the bed, got my head straighter and going to try some fresh air.
I will resume this conversation in a week's time when I get back from Dunedin - right now this forum is proving to be a very important factor. If I get in to strife down there I might just borrow her lap top and call in,
thanks again guys, Martin

Hey Martinc,c

I work for a mental health organisation in the Hutt. I will PM you my work details. Feel free to give me a call or pop in to see me when you get back from Dunedin.

There is also MASH House in Upper Hutt, it is just along the road from the Cossie club. They are a drop in centre and you can have a coffee and a chat etc.

Hang in there.

Roswell

Hey Roswell - thanks for all that. Not sure what a MASH House is but it might be useful.
I thought I was working through this current episode until I came in from the garden and my wife wanted to know what I was doing. I find it difficult to talk to her becaue she is part of my problem.
Just now we've had a half hour of really hard talking and I find that all she is doing is to reinforce my negative self image - bringing up all of the things I've done wrong over the years and telling me I'm a worthless piece of shit! It really doesn't help.
I'll stay in touch, Martin

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Thanks Wowinnz - we did go through nearly 8 years of counselling, both individually and as a couple - and while it helped us understand some of the motivators and drivers behind the behaviours I don't think we ever got past the point that I'm to blame for all the crap and despite apologies and asking for forgiveness, it's never really gone away. At the first stage of getting into this sort of state, all of the negatives come pouring out.
For now I'm just going to concentrate on surviving a week with wife and daughter in close confines - I should be looking forward to it, right!
Yeah, right. Martin

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Hello Martinc ..... Good to see you here. Don't answer if you don't want to, but do you go to AA?

Hope you manage to get some enjoyment from your trip down south.

Daze

Hi Martin,

I know I have times when I feel hopeless and despondant. I think we all do infact. Its to keep it under control. or stay on top of it really eh. I am working with my councelor at present on the shitty arsed negative voice that sits on my shoulder and shouts at me too.

I gain much from my aa meetings, and its wonderful to be there and able to share deep honest feelings etc, whats said there stays there.....may be another wonderful option to find support.

Go well
XO

Dear Martin

Hello, pleased that you are here. We are as Paddy a group of survivors.

I like you, am also filled with an addicts guilt. My husband is a martyr truly. A saint of patience, we are like St George and the Dragon.
Though my addiction isn't liquid nor inhaled it is also destructive and I have been "straight" for more than a decade I still miss it.

I hope you stay with us and do make the Mental Health Services earn their wages, otherwise truly they get complacent. I know whereof I speak.

We also keep strange hours many of us so the good thoughts and hopes are always going to be coming at ya.

Martinex

Thanks to everyone who responded - it does make a difference. Just having others who have faced this situation and are prepared to offer help makes me feel a whole lot better.
I spent a week in Dunedin helping my daughter get her house ready to sell and maybe it was the feeling of being needed or just the pressure of getting so much done in so little time, but the big black dog didn't find me!
Now I'm back to reality and the big black dog was waiting for me to get home.
I'm trying to stay positive and I have an appointment with my psych on Thursday. Not sure what I can tell him - or what help he can offer. They just seem to rely on chemical treatment.
I'm going to ask to see a counsellor, but I know they're thin on the ground and there's going to be some waiting involved. Of course, if I were still earning money I could go privately, but at the prices they charge for an hour I don't think so.
I'll keep you posted,
thanks again, Martin

Hi Paddy - I've just been returned home after a few weeks in the hospital following an unsuccessful suicide attempt.
Still feeling pretty fragile and flat but I wanted to share with someone how even the people closest to you can be so unthinking.
My wife and I were having a chat about how I feel and how long it might take before I feel 'right'. I said in a quiet voice that she just didn't understand and that I wished that my suicide attempt had been sucessful - she replied 'yes, and so do I sometimes'. I just went backwards three steps and now today I'm feeling not fdar off carpet level.
Not looking for any answers or suggestions - I just wanted to share how stupid people can be when dealing with severely depressed relatives.
Martin

Gosh what an insensitive thing to say! I can understand you feeling flat, unhappy and unloved!

Has she been with you to any doctors visits? Maybe she just doesn't know how to cope herself? Or maybe, and simply, she is not strong enough to support you.

Did you ask her why she felt the need to say that?

People do say stupid things when they are talking to a depressed person about thier depression - common things are "harden up, get over it, get over yourself" .. they just don't get it and just dont understand.
How is your daughter and grandchild?

You have alot to live for, just make sure you look after you first.

I imagine if you been struggling for so long, and feeling so completely low Martin, it must be taking a toll on her as well.

I really hope you get to a better place soon.

Martin,

Thanks for giving all of us an ‘update’ on you, buddy. Been a rough several weeks, by the sounds of things, Martin.

I’m pleased you’re ‘still here’ as much as you feel you really don’t want to be and I understand how the pot of gold and indeed the rainbow itself, looks a mighty long way away, in current times and circumstances.

Yes, I really do understand just how unhelpful the type of comments made by your wife, can be. You brought back a lot of memories very vividly. I too was most unpopular for still being alive. Never mind, we can do unpopular matey, if for no other reason than to piss folk off by sticking around and living. Hows that for malice, eh?

How are you keeping your mind occupied, at the moment, Martin? Is it All Quiet On the Western Front at the moment?

As JK said, your wife must be under enormous stresses too, and maybe some are feeling too much at times. That would be very understandable.

Until you really truly decide that ah, to heck with it, I will live and take each day as it presents itself, and do my best to get through it safely etc, and to start really participating in your household, then the immediate future is realistically, more of the same old same old until there is one straw too many, and you’re looking for a place to kip at short notice.

Make that decision to live and to work against relapses, and keep at it, and other options better might turn up.

Its bloody hard work changing habits and avoiding things which you’re maybe addicted to, but it can be done. Let the medical people know that you’re seriously ready to work at improving your physical as well as mental health and I’m sure they would be delighted to guide you – but as always, you gotta do the hard work.

Keep in touch here please Martin, and try to find and notice little things that catch your eye and maybe gives you a wee smile. You take very gentle care of you, won’t you and keep on coming back here, any time of day or night. Post what you need to, if it will possibly help in any way. Or send me a PM if you’d prefer? Up to you, my friend.

Paddy.

Hi Paddy - well I'm very much living day to day trying to find positives where I can. I did actually manage a little bricklaying yesterday - nothing serious but quite satisfying. I've been getting some pleasure from the sunshine we've been enjoying lately - it's a fact that sunshine on your skin and in your eyes raises your feeling of well being.
I know I'm not out of the woods yet, not by a long chalk, but at least I'm not planning another attempt on my life.
Not sure if it's a comon accurrence but since my last attempt I've been feeling very tired - in the hospital I spent upto 16 hours a day either sleeping or just lying down. Thats dropped to about 12 hours now. After a couple of hours of 'work' I just have to lay down for at least half an hour - not speeping but just resting.
It's so good having this forum - I realise I'm being heard by people who understand what it's like - thanks to everyone, Martinc