need to vent will not make any sense

It wont make sense!!!! I have written, re-written, edited, deleted!!!!!

I felt small - reality hit today. I no longer AM...

Finding some purpose in the day, in the week is something I hold onto tightly. It keeps me safe, well safe for awhile.

A lady that wasn't the witch with the mole on her chin. A lovely lady.... talked to me like I didn't understand ENGLISH, spoke a bit louder in case I couldn't hear, changed the pitch in her voice to sound child-like, and said ???nice stuff about my art????? all I felt was my heart sinking, I never thought I would feel so worthless. Reality... I was once an Intermediate School teacher: today I AM someone who struggles to get through the days, who works dam hard to fool herself that she is doing something with her life.

I threw up my dinner tonight, third night in a row... How pathetic is it to congratulate myself for being able to go to the dam library, to do normal mundane stuff.... grrrrrrrrrrrr

Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and come back onto TBBD and delete this and say rosy stuff instead. BLAH

BTW: No replies needed - reality is reality and there is no hiding from it.

Hmmmm. I've been biting me tongue for a few days about writing something, young Poetry - and today, well, read on, my friend, read on.

1. Unless you are about to bury a knife into someone, its unlikey that you are responsible for being spoken to in such an apparently condescending manner. M'dam probably speaks down to the common folk she deigns to converse with. Ain't your fault, so stop right now. Tis not a guilt or failure that you need or deserve to assume ownership of. Tip it down the loo right now and flush it away. Cheeers, mmwah.

2. I've forgotten this one.

3. Yaint the only one with lost careers and regrets about it and the opportunities which we beleive we've lost. But, knowing y'aint the only one doesn't make it that much easier to swallow, does it? You will alway be a Teacher - you know that, I know that and we both know that teachers are also leaders. So, lead yourself to a quiet space and place and let yourself grieve and then, with snot and tear-covered face, think of and let yourself understand that here too, you are a leader and that when you gift yourself the time and energy, you will be finding knew paths to lead down and you will be both student and teacher much of time.

4. I still can't remember # 2

5. When you make dismissive comments about feeling good about having made it to the Library and other such mundane achievements', didja think that maybe, you'd be pulling the rug out from under ya self and possibly earn a PaddyGrowl? Mmmmm? No, I didn't think so, hon. See, I reckon that very breath we continue to draw is a success in itself and that sometimes, making it to the library can not only be a lifesaver and lead to other expeditions of the mind if nothing else, but for a lotta folk, that amount of 'getting out and about in a plublic place' is a huge success for them. I'm one of them, remember. So, Bah Humbug to your Bah Humbugging yourself young lady.

6. An appology for upsetting you if I am, but you are being too hard on yourself.

7. Cut out the puking. If necessary, change your eating habits, sneak up on ya tummy and trick it by having something more than you usually might at lunchtime - then later in the evening if you feel peckish, peck away, Pukeko!

8. Nothing to do with this thread, but I do wish ya hadn't edited away that information on BDP - I hadn't got around quite, to copying and saving it. Mutter mutter - bloody women.

9. Too late, gotta go, VS Supercars are racing from 2pm and its 1.59.

10. Luv Ya,

xxx
Paddy.

Hi Poetry

How are you today?

You know what, I was a Clinical Nurse Specialist. It drove me mental and onto medication and subservience to people who I thought would know better.

I am (after a year, crawling out of the pit of despair and doing Casual agency nursing) and you know what its better because I don't get involved in "meetings" , just nursing care looking after people like us.

I know how you feel but your teaching has not left you, your knowledge and experience you will use again at the time you are ready, you will know when that is.

Good on you for going to the library, I haven't done that yet because I owe them so much in unpaid fines, agarophobia does that to ya.

Love to you and your daily strength and courage.

Martine

Thank you Martine and Paddy, for sharing your journey with me. Thank you both for reminding me there are other people who understand and have had similar employment changes due to health - or circumstances.

Arohanui

Poetry
xoxox

I'll be over in the 'happy' section to share some 'good - life' stuff xoxoxox