Lost and lonely

child, buried deep inside. Looking for a love they'll never find. Wanting for some human touch. Live goes on all around, others smile, others laugh. Lost and lonely child trys to keep the mask to the world on. Heart is breaking. Why is it so hard to find the loves she needs, why will no one reach out. All she ever wanted was to feel loved. But she knows now, knows that will never be. Lost and lonely child, living in a world void of love.

lost and lonely child deep inside, often wonders why they go on. Day after day, lost and lonely.

how many times should she have to pick herself up, every time she tries, someone cuts her down again. The loneliness starts to take over.

Wow,
That is so sad. And so scarily familiar.

Are these words you have written yourself, LG?

How are you doing today? Right now? Are you OK? Sorry to take so long to read and reply to you, I had to be off line for a while.

Take care, aye.
Pat.

yeah, these are my words. First time ever I have shared these kind of writings. I've never shared any of my writing with others.

Today, just feeling so lost and alone. Have had a couple of crying sessions.

I hate the way that one day I am fine, motivated, cheerful etc, then the next I feel like crap. Seems like the smallest things can set it off too.

Cheers for creating this site though, somewhere else to go.

How you doing? Read you last post on the TM thread, hope you feeling bit better now than you were earlier.

Good on you for letting yourself share those feelings - its a scary thing to do, aye.

I'm no stranger to the crying sessions either - and thats not something I thought I'd be admitting, lol.

My 'name' here and on TM is all part of me trying to find ways to like myself -I hated being 'Paddy', as a kid - being 'Paddy' wasn't much fun at times, but by isolating myself from it, refusing to show that anything hurt me, bits of me survived to reach the ripe old age of 48. But yes, I grieve for the young Paddy. And wonder about the old one, at times.

Thanks for sharing - you've given me courage.

yeah, sometimes I wonder if the "mask" that we put on in our youth has really done good or harm.
But I guess from experience, once you learn that if you take off the "mask" you will be judged, it can be very hard to let go of it again.

Unless someone has been there they don't seem to have a clue, and even then, each of our experiences are different.

Sometimes I wish for a different life, one without the pain and loneliness. Sometimes I don't know why I keep going. But somehow I do.

That's an interesting question - harm or good?

Yes, those masks have probably given us grief as adults, but as children, I don't think we had any choice in the matter. We needed those masks, we needed their sanctuary. Because of the masks, we made it this far.

So on balance, I have to say they do good. In a very sad, twisted way, they do short and medium term good. They help us survive.

Tis the long-term thats the problem, I fear.

Yep, I have the very same wish. And yes, I question why, too. But then, I would never have thought I'd be here, doing this a week ago, so what do I know?

Life eh? I wanna be a cat next time, but I've not been nearly good enough.

lol, I want to be a cat next time too. One that has a loving owner.

sometimes I wish I could go back to before the mask went on.

I understand that, too.

I've often wished I could somehow rescue that kid, take me out of where I was, stop what was happening to me and then seen who I became.

Dumb, aye.

nope, not dumb. I wonder who I would have been too.

Though I try to remind myself there are so many who have seen and experienced worse than me. For me it was the fear and the breach of trust, the put downs, the never being good enough. The physical stuff on it's own wasn't that bad.

I think, that the loss of trust and innocence and the inability to really, honestly accept that despite all that, we are good people, is really sad.

How on earth does one learn to love oneself? Its all I can do to tolerate me, most days, far less find anything good in me. Yeah, I've read books, had counselling, but deep down, I know who I am and I don't like me. Bugger.

I wish I knew the answer to that one. Cos they say we have to love ourselves before anyone else can really love us. Guess Im screwed in that dept.

you should feel good about starting this up though, you got some good stuff on here already.

sometimes it feels like the only funtion my heart has is to pump the blood around my body. Feels like I have lost the ability to ever feel love or to be loved. All I ever wanted was to feel loved, the one thing I don't know if I will ever feel. Somedays I wonder why I keep going, when the pain will stop. Will it ever get better or am I destined to fight this fight for the rest of my life. If that is the case - why the hell do I bother?

All I wanted was for someone to reach out and touch me - to make me feel loved. But maybe what they say about having to love yourself before others can love you is true - so maybe I will never feel that love.

Ah well, Time for me to run off and pretend to be "normal" for a while.