Hi - New to the site

I was given the link to this site by someone on another site.

He/She thought I might be able to talk about my feelings on here - and now Im here I dont know how to start! Its been a bad couple of days ....

Welcome,

Just tell us as much or as little as you feel comfitable letting us know.

We are an understanding bunch and have all had our own journeys with depression or mental health issues.

welcome
don't worry about how to start, you already have
for me, i find it easy to talk (well write) on here because i don't know any of these people, will never have to meet them in *real life*, and it's so much easier to write out how i feel and put it out there without any worry over what people will think or if i'm making sense. So i hope you find it works for you too

Hi Moonskr
I find it easier to write too, I find it hard making friends in the real world at the moment. I had a breakdown last year and got put on Citalopram - Im still trying to get my life together but my b/f (for want of a better word) has pulled away from me since it happened and our relationship seems to be plunging into the depths at great speed. I have tried talking to him (often) and he keeps saying he needs to work at it but nothing happens. I love him to pieces and dont want to loose him but I dont know what to do anymore. He says i over think things and mis understand things that he says. We dont live together.
Im no longer sure if I am the problem or if its 'our' problem....its really bringing me down

i find it almost impossible to talk to people, including my partner - master of deception and masking my feelings lol. But something i have been doing the last few weeks is writing down how i'm feeling or what i need to say so i can give that to my partner and know i've made some effort to get across what i need to. Sometimes we talk about it a little, most of the time he just reads it and nothing is said, but it does help a little i think to know i've shared something at least. And it's relieving to write in any case. Perhaps thats something you could try out? I don't live with mine either. There's alot i still don't share but i do feel better to share something rather than not say a word. Maybe something you could try out?
Anyway keep posting at least, i haven't been here long but i think i've posted more than my fair share in that time and it's been a huge help and something to cling to at what feels like the worst time in my life, and i feel like i'm getting somewhere as long as i keep journalling at least.

i have done that - last week I wrote down how I was feeling and gave the paper to him - he looked at it, gave a big sigh and put it down - then later went back and wrote one word answers to what I had said. Later that night he said he was fed up with our conversations always leading back to this! He has become very friendly with a lady he works with lately and says he finds her easier to talk to and she is fun to be around and Im not .... it really hurt but I know he is right. Now Im scared I am going to loose him.
I also keep a journal on my computer but I never seem to be able to find answers ... just more questions and more doubts. Does it ever get better? Do you ever find that place when you can accept yourself and not be afraid of loosing those you care about

I've tried keeping a private journal before, but never wrote in one more than once, then wanted a new one next time i wanted to write something. And i found i would just write myself round in circles muttering about how upset i am. Once i started one on here i sort of got into the flow of it a bit, and feel compelled to keep it going and keep updating, whether with mutterings or news or what have you, because i know someone will read it sometime and if it all works out good in the end maybe they'll take comfort from that. I haven't found any answers from keeping a journal either, but i do feel better to have shared my feelings with someone, even if its a random guest on this site who i'll never speak to, it's a person somewhere who has heard me and not condemed me for it.
Something my partner found confusing at first with getting 'letters' from me, and took a while to accept, is that i don't write them wanting him to fix everything, it's not a to do list lol, i write them so i can share how i'm feeling and have him know. I had to tell him loads of times and write it in the start of all the letters, but i think he understands a little now that if i write out a page of stuff for him it's because i need him to know thats how i feel, and not try to fix it, but just understand a little more than he would if i was silent. So maybe thats an angle to look at? But of course everyone's different, i can only share the way i understand things with my situation.
As for accepting yourself and not being afraid to lose people - well thats what we should all aim for in life i think, being strong enough on our own two feet to believe in ourselves, be happy in our own company at times, knowing that our feelings are our own and don't hinge on the way others act towards us, knowing what we deserve and looking after number 1, etc etc, but i am very cynical at the moment too and although i find it easy to believe anyone else is a wonderful person i feel weak and desperate and like a big drag on everyones life, and hard to reconsile my emotions into the idea that i am an ok person and can stick up for myself. So please, do your best to take care of yourself, know that you are fun to be around, whatever anyone thinks, and it's not your fault that you're sick, no one would blame you for being boring if you were stuck in bed with a neck injury, so don't feel bad if you can't manage to be chirpy and fun all the time because of the imbalance in your brain at the moment. Know that you will get through this eventually, and be a stronger person because of it, who can value happy times all the more for having experienced the other side.

Thank you for your kind words.
You said you keep a journal on here - do you mean by writing in the messageboards or is there a special place on here?
I was strong once and now Im weak. I raised my kids alone (and one of them was chronically ill) and I have survived some other pretty traumatic experiences - I dont understand why I could handle things then and not now.!

Hey I found the journal page - what a great idea.

Hi, Is it Me,

Welcome This is a very good place to be to talk about how your feeling and sharing your thoughts and experiences. Happy or sad. Here you will get support. I too am on Citalopram. I had a breakdown midway last year. I had also been a solo parent raising a child with Asperger's and survived a violent, abusive upbringing.

The thing I realised while all the heavy stuff was happening I was stuck in survival mode and just functioned without thinking and did everything I could to bury my feelings.

When the bad stuff stopped. That is when the depression became worse. I began to suffer Post Traumatic Stress.

My first husband did not understand what I was going thru but tried in his own way. Our near 7yr marriage which began at age 17 ended.

At that time I didn't know I was going to meet someone who would many years later come back into my life and change how I feel about life, myself and relationships for the better.

When I had my first breakdown I was friends and neighbours with Westdude who is also on this site. He and his ex helped me through that first difficult time but lost touch over many years.

Westdude and I found each other again on a dating site at the beginning of last year. Our friendship turned into something beautiful.

The sad thing is about last year we both had very stressful jobs and a lot going on for us separately in our personal lives. I suffered another breakdown May last year and he had his around Christmas time last year.

We are now both on Medication, and in joint counselling even though we live apart. We are closer than we have ever been and have learned to support each other though both the good and bad times.

Would your man be willing to attend your counselling sessions with you at some stage?

I tried counselling but it didnt seem to work for me - I did talk to different ones for a while in the hope I could find one I could feel comfortable with but nothing has worked - and No he wont attend them with me.
I have been told its Post Traumatic due from a violent attack about 9 years ago and the type of relationships and upbringing I had.
My kids are now young adults so Im proud of myself for making it this far, but they have their own lives now and suddenly I realise I dont have one. I met my b/f almost four years ago and found a connection I had never experienced before, for the first time ever I thought I had found someone I could trust. But the last year since my breakdown has been really hard but if I was being honest with myself I would admit that things were going slightly amiss before the breakdown too ... Now Im not sure I know who he is and Im not sure if this is caused by my thoughts or ....... god I just dont know anything anymore. Im so tired and feel so isolated and alone.

PS Thanks Roswell for your greeting! I failed to say thank you yesterday.

Over the years at many different times over the years, for so many different reasons I have had to go back into counseling.

I was fortunate enough to work with someone whose expertise was working with people with Post Traumatic Stress, Depression and Anxiety related phobias.

With Post Traumatic Stress, it can be triggered at different times in a persons life as it was for me but not the sole reason for visiting counseling.

I think because life itself is constantly flowing at different times in our lives we are given new sets of challenges to overcome and may be hindered sometimes by what we carry from our past.

I did one on one, extensive group therapy and a attended a variety of support groups and later went on to work in mental health and went on to facilitate two support groups. From both personal experience and my experience facilitating, I found there was strength in numbers as there is here.

It is not uncommon when our children start living there lives more independently from us to have an identity crisis as we for years we were Mum and did the Mum thing with other Mums. Now is a time to explore talents, creativity, hidden desires, such desire for education, travel, and find out who we really are and firm up our identity that we kind of lose when we become parents.

I learned being in a relationship didn't make me who I was. I already was who I was and learned how to give to myself but now after 14yrs of not being in a relationship I found when the love of life Westdude came back into my world our relationship is the bonus.

Hang in there! I believe there are three stages in recovery. Survivor, where we had just lived to tell our story. Warrior, where we champion the cause and fight for what we believe and Teacher, when we educate others through our knowlege and personal experience to pave the way and make it easier for others to become survivors.

You will get there. Have faith.

just take your time its cool

robertca wrote: just take your time its cool

Thanks robertca .... everything seems to be in slow motion - Im not moving forward at all at the moment.

Welcome to TBBD