I cant do this anymore

I dont want to be here anymroe. finally shit in my life is going better than ever and it all comes crashing down again. I dont know why I bother staying alive. I hate life. I hate living. I dont deserve to live when shit just keeps happening and bringing me down again and again. i cant remember what its like to feel normal. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. It all hurts so much. No one really wants me around and no one really cares. i cant take it anymore.

Oh babe,

I am sure there is a part of you that truly believes you dont want to be here but i am hoping that there is another part of you that realises you are wanted and cared for, at the very least here, and I am sure in the 'real' world too! What would Phyliss do without you for a start!? And I can say with utter conviction and sincerity that Pat and I and everyone else who has had the pleasure of chatting with you on this site would be absolutely heartbroken if you were to leave us. We so enjoy your laughter and calm and kind demeanour on the boards and in chat honey.

It saddens me that you are on this rollercoaster of emotions at the moment and believe me I know how that feels as do most people here.

You do deserve peace in your life as we all do and your deserve happiness and love too. I know that I dont know you 'out there' but what I have seen of you 'in here' leaves me in no doubt that the world would be a sadder place without our Hales in it! You have much to offer the world Haley! DONT forget that!

I hope you will come back in here this morning and talk and vent and rant and cry if you need to because we are here for you Haley and we wont let you go. Your one of us and we dont desert anyone.

Hugs for our Haley

Monsta

ps check your private messages please honey

Hey Haley,

I know this life can be so curel, you seem to be finally getting ahead and heading somewhere when things come crashing down again. The hard thing is this happens over and over again and wears us out till we have no reserves left.

Hang in there hunny, i have a small saying "what doesn't break you makes you".

Be strong and take care, know we are there for you

Roswell

I think I really need to go to my dr. Im sick of feeling down so much now. And now shit has gotten worse at work, Iv been informed that my tops are too low cut and they are distracting the guys. Now I feel so self concious and embarissed and I don't know what to do. Its just something else to make me feel down. I hardly got any sleep last night cos I was awake thinking about everything. I know Im getting worse when the suicide thoughts go from once or twice a week to once to twice a day. I just want to be normal and not have to worry about getting through the day without crying or thinking about how I could kill myself.

Im sitting at my desk and I just want to burst into tears. Iv got my 'best' friend telling me how fat she is (and shes this tiny littly person) and I weight 10kgs more then her so I feel like an elephant. And she just told me I sound positive and happy today in a sarcastic voice. I just want to yell at her. I just need a hug. I need to try and get thru today the best I can.

Morning Haley, sounds like you could benifit from a visit to your doctor hun. I'm not much use for advise this mornng, but I can give you a hug. Come on, come here, arms are out to hug Haley. Hope thats made you feel a little better sweet. Chin up and take care, Pam.

*hugs for my haley girl*

maybe its something in the air tody honey. i'll hang around in the chat box for a bit and hope you find me there.

Monsta

Those thoughts of suicide etc only make one feel worse.

Please hunny go to the doc as soon as you can. Also talk to your partner I know he will be there for you.

If things seem to be spinning outta control and no one on here do make use of the contacts in the message board.

Hugs
Roswell

i'm sorry you're having such a rough time haley, just remember you WILL get through this, not alone though. Make sure you get yourself to the doctor if you need and keep chatting and posting on here. *big hugs*

Thanks everyone for the comments, they really cheer me up.

My brain is my enemy.. as soon as I start thinking about stuff I feel down again. And I started the day so great! Posting here really helps, I can get my thoughts out and things. I just made an appointment with my Dr but I cant see him for a couple of weeks so will just have to stick it out. Its nice to come here and have people that know what I'm going through, I try to speak to other people and they just don't get it. I'm finding I'm going back into my shell lately, just keeping to myself, stay quiet and try to be hidden so I don't have to deal with anyone else.

I can't stand work, I live for the weekends. I can't wait till xmas, me and bf are going away so I think I really need some time off and a holiday. And hopefully some of my whatevers bringing me down will disapear after exams too.

Thank you again everyone

Well.. I spoke to my mentor about the whole boobs comment thing, and he spoke to HR about it, and nothing is going to be done. I dont know why I bother. I finally get up enough courage to speak to someone about it to get something done and now I just look like an idiot. So now Im even more embarrissed and awkward about work.

I need a hug.

*hugs honey*

I'll catch up with you in the chat room!

Head up and stay strong...........youve done nothing wrong!

Shit.. you know works bad when it gets you real down the day before..

At least I have this place to go at work

you are doing a great job getting into work haley, it sucks that it sucks but know you are doing great

If you havnt noticed already Im using this as my own little venting thread. Feel free to throw in your own 2 cents

Well Iv gotten home from a tupperware meeting and i feel like a failure. I'm not going to get into it though, tis just my brain. LG posted at some point about feeling alone in a room full of people. Thats exactly how I feel most of the time. Blending into the backround. I can't sleep, even though I look like shit and Im so tired all the time, as soon as i get into bed I just cant do it. Sometimes I feel like everything is falling apart around me, even though sense tells me it isnt because I know its not, but I still feel that way. I feel so dumb because I whine and complain and Iv been though nothing compared to some of the other people here. I told my mum the other day that shes the only reason Im still alive and wont try to commit suicide again because its true.

Anyways off to try and get to sleep again, still crying for no real reason, hopefully the tears will get me off to sleep

Hey Hales,

You are really going through a rough patch at the momment. Be kind to yourseld and indulge in it a little, don't fight it.

Did you make that appointment for the doctors?

Takes care
Roswell

Hey Rossy, thanks, its not that bad though, I just find myself posting here when Im real down, but it helps Yup off to see the docs nxt week.

Good luck for your exam today

Haley

Just me again having another whine.

Just broke down about 30mins ago over nothing. Still bawling my eyes out after a shower (which usually fixes it). Things have been pretty good lately and I was thinking about canceling my drs appointment for tomorrow but Im glad I kept it. It just sux that I cant stop crying and the 1 thought repeating itself through my head is 'i just want to kill myself'. Its scary and I dont like it.

I just don't understand it though, things arent that bad. Maybe the stress of exams is getting to me.

Anyways, off to meet up with mum, she always cheers me up

Just thought I would let you know I went to the docs yesterday and he suggested I double my dosage of citalopram. He said the combination of things that have been going on at the moment arent helping, and when I feel I have everything under control again I can look at SLOWLY cutting back

Im glad you went and spoke to the doc again honey.

Big Monsta Hugs

stay strong!

that's good you went to the doctor again, I really hope the increase in medication helps you

ARGH Im posting again upset and angry. I had an ok day, exam this morning, then got a message from a lady that i did a tupperware party for and it put me out. Iv felt down and really sad all day, which is hard cos i just feel tired as well and hard getting myself to study for an exam tomorrow which im really worried about and its my last chance to resit it. then a so called friend txts me about not catching up with her! now shes having a go at me over txt about never catching up, im sick of it iv tried for months and she couldnt be bothered and blamed it on her baby and im stressing out so much cos i can afford to pay for exams and im really worryed about them and passing them and then iv got this whole stupid depression shit and its just getting worse and i never feel like it will ever ever get better and i dont know how to make it go away.. none of this probably makes sense but its just the last straw im just bawling my eyes out i really didnt need that i just feel like everything is going shit.. and i have no idea where my bf is he was ment to cook me dinner so i can study. And i txt my 'safe' person, my mate who i txt when im really down just so i know some one cares and i havnt heard back from her either.

Im so sick of all of this i wish i could just get rid of me. i wouldnt only because i know how upset my family would be and i couldnt do that to them. Im lucky to have them here otherwise i wouldnt be here any more.

Haley,
Hiya, mate. I'm so pleased you're posting here as and when you need to.

I don't know what the answers are I'm sorry my friend, I'm too tired to think straight.

Please don't be so hard, so critical of you, Haley, because you don't deserve or need that pressure, mate.

What are your priorities right now? You. Your welfare, as well as your exams n friends and their crap etc? Something has to give, and you don't need the woes of your friends poured onto your shoulders right now. You have enough weighing them down already.

I think, its OK, to tell them that sorry, right now you're just bogged down with career-critical exams and a few wee heatlh thingies and that you have to worry about them first. But then, I'm renouned for being rude, so what do I know?

Hang in there Haley, the pressures will ease and you will feel happier and safe again, promise. Keep posting, mate - thats what we do here.

Stay strong Hales

We all love you and know what an awesome hardworker you are and a great friend too!

As Pat say just tell them mate......and then let them eal with it the way they want to.

You are the most important person for you right now.

Monsta Hugss

Hi there Haley

BIG HUGS and little woof ones too - the last being from my pooch ...

Hopefully after a few more days with the increase in meds you will be able to follow the gr8 advice given by Pat and Monster and others.......

Your such a sweetheart with all your hugs you give to each of us...your turn haley HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

take care...

Poetry