Feelings

Still feeling low today and accepting it. No 'yes buts', just accepting how I feel. Also trying to come to terms with just no way can I or anyone else fix the problems of the world, or even the few people in the world whose lives we touch. In my job, and also on here my heart goes out so much to other peoples suffering and all I want to do is wave a magic wand to make the pain go away. I ache to say the right thing so make a bit of difference BUT because of my own depression I know there is no 'right thing'. The hurt needs to somehow be chased away or dealt with by each and every one of us. It is such a lonely journey and we can walk beside each other in it but ultimately it is something we are in alone. I desperately look inside me for the right words or deeds to help. I think I need to find another career as I can't help and it does my head in to see how people hurt and how people are treated by those who should know better. It shouldn't be 'just a job' when looking after others. It is a privilge in a way when others feel safe enough to share. But I can't do it any more as I can't heal myself and no matter how much I give to others it doesn't heal them either. My words come from the heart but at the end of the day they count for nothing. I am tired and my heart feel sick for myself and all of us who go through mental anguish. I haven't read over what I have just written as I know I will edit it out of existence if I do so here's hoping it makes sense to somebody or nobody, it just is as it felt at the time and came out.

hey Bluebird1,

Don't feel like you are letting anyone down with your job!!

Because you still help them, just being there with them and talking, and even though you are going through depression yourself, and feel like you can't heal, you still help those heal who see you.

I don't doubt that your words come from the heart, and they do mean something. They count for everything.

You know what, it is really good to ramble type, raw emotions come out. Don't change what you have written, people here identify with it.

You are worth it, you know that. And you will heal.

Hi bluebird ..... I'm sure we all wish we could heal others - but it's is very beneficial for the people you work with to be able to verbalise out their feelings, frustration etc. It stops the pressure building up (we're supposed to be like a pot with its lid lifting every now and then - not like a pressure cooker, blowing its top!). So when you're there listening to others it is helpful even if you can't change their circumstances, or other things, for them. (I have a 'wand' which I wave around every now and then - not sure if I've put the storyof the wand on here)

Maybe it's just 'time out' you need at the moment. Take it for yourself - do some 'silly things' and mostly try and have some FUN. When I first went to a counsellor she said 'I don't hear any fun in your life' .... and I thought 'what's that got to do with anything' .... !! Well, I know now how important fun is .... and had to learn what fun was, too! I had/have a sense of humour but not much sense of fun. (The wand is a bit of fun!)

Daze

Thanks Daze but I have decided it is time for a change of career. I am on a sickness benefit just now due to a physical problem but have my job waiting for 12 months. I am going to resign and try something else. I've ways worked with people, before going into mental health I was in HR for years and years. I think I want to work in a garden, or supermarket or something or maybe just retire and spend all my days with my animals watching the grass grow. I do get a bit of fun each day singing with Iris my house pig. She is more tuneful than I am but never complains, when I go too far out of tune she just sings louder. I am very grateful each day when the sun comes out for a while but then the clouds descend again. Luckily it is not cloudy all day, every day and when I have a genuine smile it feels like a huge relief and blessing.

genuine smiles are always good aren't they.

Hope you feel a bit better soon bbird.

I am feeling a bit delicate just now as are most of us on this site. In the last two days one member has very publicly excluded me on the chat area. I think most of us on here find rejection, either real of perceived hard to take. Not feeling 'good enough' is a very real part of many types mental illness and it is just toooooo easy to reinforce that in each other, even unwittingly. This is one site I didn't expect to find little cliques on as I foolishly thought we were all on an equal footing. I really enjoyed my times on chat and have spent a lot more time on there than I ever thought I would surprising myself. I now feel uncomfortable returning there. Perhaps a little thought on how our actions and words may affect others on here wouldn't go amiss.

ohh I hope you don't think I excluded you - if i did i didn't notice! sorry!!

Please don't feel excluded, I am sure it wasn't intentional.

Apologies again if it was me... as a matter a fact apologies for whomever it was, I am sure it was just an oversight...