Haleys Journal.. A whole lot of random thoughts and outbursts

Its great to have a little area I can put my name on and use it as my venting/whining/happy stuff thread.

Currently Im in Hamilton on course. I should be doing assignments, but will do them after I get this out. Im in bed, having a glass of red and a peice of dark choc.

I did a very bad thing last night. So bad Im not even going to say what I did. But god it was a horrible thing and I regret it and feel so horrible and bad and just.. gross. I want to get it out, but I can't. I need to keep it inside and it will eat away at me but it is my fault. I feel so guilty. And confused.

I miss my cat. I want to sit down and talk to her and tell her stuff, I didnt realise how much I confide in her. And Phyllis, I wanna go for a ride and talk to her. Its so nice to confide in animals that I know cant tell my secrets.

Its funny, Im almost cured of this crazy depression. Then maybe something will just dump me on my arse, and its my own fault. But all in all I dont.. I dont know what I was about to say. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. For no reason, just to do it. Do you know what else is funny? I just want to feel wanted. Like I know I am, but I just want to feel it. I have such low self esteem and I hate it. I think Im bigger than I really am, but then I think that Im a normal size, but then Im not sure about that because I think Im blurring it again and Im actually big. Haha, ya know what else? I can't really believe compliments. From guys anyways. I think that they only say these things for sex. And then Im pissed off cos its just for sex, but then Im kinda insulted because when my bf gives me compliments, because he doesnt want to sleep with me. In fact sometimes I wonder whether he even finds me attractive. But he claims he does.

Anyways Im just babbling. Im good at it. Good thing no one has to read this. God right now all I want is a big cuddle, someone to stroke my hair and tell me everything is going to be ok. But is it?

Cool to see you started a journal

Its quite often been pointed out to me that I do things self destructive, and usually when things are going right. I don't really understand the psychology of it. Do we perhaps think we are not good enough for a problem free life? Or do we perhaps get bored of being miserable, and do self destructive things just to add drama to our lives?

I'm not sure but its interesting to think about.

Hi Haley,

Havnt seen you in a while, so i do hope you still pop in here from time to time.

Im a bit out of the loop when it comes to uni and exam times and what not but i hope everything is going well and you are getting your assignments, exam prep etc all sorted thats why your not in here every day like me.

Let us know how you are getting on, i hope that rough time you wrote about has passed and sorted itself out (yeah right wishful thinking huh) but i hope things are going good. I do have an apology to make. I bought something from Tupperware, a potatoe peeler that cost a fortune and i still havnt even unwrapped it! LOL! Damn i could have bought off you if i had of read the brochure properly!

Anyhow just letting you know we miss you but im hoping no news is good news but we still like news

HOpe you dont mind me posting in your journal section!

Catch you soon!

I hate my weight and I hate my low self esteem.

Its like Im obsessed with how I look. I hate it. I feel guilty after Iv eaten something. But I dont feel that I have the right to whine about it because I dont think I do enough. I look at my diet and exercise and I do what I can. I don't eat unhealthy, I pretty much live on unproccessed foods, fruit, vege, meat, eggs and dairy. I exercise when I can, at the moment thats around 4 times a week. Yea I slip up, but not to the point where Im binging on lollies, chocolate, and I dont eat chips.

I wish I could feel more attractive. In this world I feel like everyone is obsessed with eating healthy and being slim, everywhere I look there is people thinner and more attractive that me and it makes me feel like crap. I dont care if this is a stupid thing to write about, its my journal.

Im back on the happy pills. After about a week of unexplained bawling my eyes out every night, and at random things Iv decided Iv had enough. I will get better, just having a relapse for a while

Hi LMH

How ya going today

hey lmh thinking of ya

Hey thanks mylife, I needed that this morning..

Im so sick of this stupid crap! I think shit is sorted in my life, things are going great and Im coping.. but turns out not really. I thought I had gotten rid of this stupid depression but it loves coming back when I least expect it. Its like it never went, it was just dorment. Im sitting at work about to bawl my eyes out at the smallest thing for no real reason. I just wanna quit. At the moment in my life I just really have that 'who cares' attitude, like no one really cares about me. The suicidal thoughts are back.

The rational side of me is saying 'calm down, your fine, your over reacting, your just overtired and need sleep' but its like that side and my emotions are having a full on war and I cant be bothered. Today, of all days, when Im the most run down, everything just turns to shit. Shit that wouldnt bother me any other day is happening, all today, all this morning, when I just dont need it and dont feel like I can handle it.

I just want to go home, curl up in my bed with Bella and know that everything will be ok, that shit will sort itself out, or wait for a day that I can deal with it. At the moment I have no one that understands me, they all side with the rational side and think Im over reacting. I might be but I dont give a fuck because inside my head it hurts and its like an overload.

Just gotta make it thru the day without breaking down crying...

Hi haley, so sorry you feel 'back in the deep black hole' ... sometimes ordinary things can seem sooooo overwhelmiing ... then it's time to .... use some slogans (and go into the rest room at work and let the tears out - just a release of tension)

Slogans:

Keep it simple
easy does it
one day at a time (or one hour)
how important is it
is it worth dying for!

hope this helps - hugs - Daze

Hey LMH.

Good to hear from you again, I always miss your posts... whether they are good or bad...

Hey re the black hole, I am really pleased that you are being rational about this..telling your self you will be ok, just that you need some sleep, and are over tired. I can relate to that. Have you let your doctor know the meds are working?

What about a walk on this lovely sunny day? Perhaps that might help clear the cobwebs for a while. ...

Take your time, young lady, and be good to yourself. you are a really great person (and bright too, I would have never figured out how to post pictures/avatar's if it weren't for you)
Please keep logging on so I know you are ok, as I do care.

Thanks guys, I made it through the day, got to my car and shed a few tears. Then got home and had a really lovely night relaxing.

I stood up for myself in the weekend, and let someone know that they cant just walk over me. This girl I used to flat with was my best friend, we had known each other since college. We did EVERYTHING together, and I always went with what she wanted to to because back then, I didnt have much of a backbone and it was before I realised I was depressed. When I found out I was, within 2wks of that when I needed my friends the most, she told me that we should stop hanging out. I have lots of other things she has done to let me down, but that was definitly one of the worst, considering I had been there for her through thick and thin, and I was the one person that knew her better than anyone else, even herself sometimes. Anyways, we had started talking again and sorting things out, she apologised for being a total bitch, and I told her a few things about herself, like she should stop being selfish and looking out for just herself, when she had other friends that had been there as I had, and never got the kind of support in return. This was late last year, and we had kept in touch a bit, and I last saw her at a hens night the day before my birthday. Unfortunatly she couldnt come to my 21st, so I organised a 2nd one just for her and another friend. She never got back to me about it, and I tried for about a month to get hold of her thru every way possible before I gave up. Then last week I heard from her, and she acted like nothing had happened. I was really gutted that she hadn't even taken the time to get back to me about my 21st, or any msg I had left her, or even attempted to contact me. I saw her on saturday night at a mutual friends 21st, and she come up to me like nothing had happened. I told her that I wasn't impressed with the way that she had acted, and hadn't bothered contacting me despite me trying, I know she got the emails, messages, txts. I told her that I didnt deserve that, and its stink to just ignore someone for months and then expect them to just be fine and happy and pretend nothing happened. She walked away, and txt me the next morning saying that she didnt deserve what I said to her and shes sorry if she had upset me. I txt her back and said Im sorry you feel that way, but I didnt deserve the way that you treated me and you did upset me.

The thing is Im not the only person shes done it to. She just ditched a whole lot of people for a new group, without even caring, then expects no one will mind when she comes back to be besties again. I DONT deserve to be treated like that, and she is one person that I wont let her. Im also one of the only people that will tell her that straight up, mainly because Im sick of the way she treats other people. Some people just don't have any respect, or care about how other people will feel about their actions. So thats my little story.

Also bf found a couple of notes I had left on my ipod. It was during exam time and I was stressed and mad at him and the world and everything. It was just writing down everything in my head to try and get it out, it was basically just saying how useless I am and how the world would be a better place without me - nonsense things that I didnt really mean. At first he was kinda mad that I hadnt told him, then he was upset. As horrible as it was for him to see that kinda thing, it was good. He told me that hes afraid to find me at home after ODing again, and he doesnt want to lose me. He said that if I feel like that again he wants me to talk to him. It kinda gave him a bit of insight of what is going through my head at times. And yesterday I hadn't seen him so caring and.. nice i suppose, in a while.

Also we're getting another kitten soon, to keep Bella company, so thats exiting!!

yay re the kitten, and yay re the caring boyfriend. you need good support and it sounds like he will give it to you.

keep your chin up hayley and carry on posting ay?

YOUR SO FUCKING SKINNY YOU DONT NEED TO TAKE PILLS TO KILL FAT, YOUR A FUCKING MODEL YOU HAVE PEOPLE WANTING TO ACTUALLY TAKE PICS OF YOU STOP COMPLAING YOUR FAT I WEIGH OVER 10KGS MORE THAN YOU IM SICK OF HEARING IT I TRY TO TELL YOU NICELY HOW IT MAKES ME FEEL IT HURTS LIKE FUCK TO KNOW THAT IM DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE IN MY POWER TO LOSE WEIGHT YET YOU EAT FAST FOOD AND DRINK BOOZE ALL THE TIME AND STILL LOSE WEIGHT. YES YOU DONT HAVE A JOB YOU HAVE TIME TO GO EXERCISE, SOME OF US DONT HAVE A BF SUPPORTING US. YOU HAVE THE PERFECT BODY STOP WHINING!!!!!!!!

Sorry guys, its just so frustrating.. gets me down every single fucking time.. I work my arse off to try and lose weight, fitting it in when I can.. she doesnt know how lucky she is to have time to go for 2hr walks, and go to the gym and eat crappy food. Its just not fair. Atm I rush home from work to try get some exercise in b4 making dinner, and by the time I eat it its time for bed. It just makes me feel like crap, if shes fat, then what the fuck am I? Rediculously obese? I hate how I obsess over it so much, even if I lose weight its not enough, I want to be thinner.. I yoyo over a few kgs and I just cant seem to break it, and then I just feel like a failure. God Im pathetic, sitting here crying about my weight.. who fucking cares right?

I would suggest your friend has some security issues over what she looks like if she says she is fat, and she is not.

Really, the image of ones self is just that. An image. We are always to harsh on ourselves and I wonder if that is the case here.

please don't be so hard on yourself Haley, I am sure you look fantastic!!

Thanks mylife, I think she does, and it doesnt help me who also has security issues.

Im finally faced with the reality that Phyllis is for sale. Someone is coming to look at her on Sunday, and no doubt they will want her - she is one of those 'first to see will buy' horses. Even if they dont, how much time do I really have. Shes not my horse. I've been offered her friend, Boo to ride but I don't want her cos shes nuts, and bucks, and I don't need to come off and dislocate my shoulder again. Yea I will probably find another horse to lease soon, but still. Its like every good horse I get I lose. My parents sold my horse Tonto without telling me, then the next weekend my pony Bob was PTS. My mare Witch had to be pts due to a stupid injury and Tony had to be pts to a leg injury also. In fact I sometimes consider giving up just because it hurts everytime I lose a good one to something I have no control over.

I think this depression is coming back. I've cried almost every day this week just over little things, just like I used to. I just feel like shit. I feel like I need to just get away from things for a while, like I need a holiday. Yet again things arent bad in my life, it just feels like they are and Im focusing on the negatives which is so much easier to do when your down. At least the suicidal thoughts which usually are rather promident aren't so much there. I think that it may have something to do with things at home with my partner going well.

I feel like Im losing my friends. I've never found it hard to be mates with people, but I get unsure about becoming friends with them. Especially at the moment, they have their own problems and own lives to deal with, why would they want to worry about me? I know thats the depression talking yet its over powering the logic at the moment, and I need to stop that. I think I will start again on the pills, properly this time, and stick with them.

But hey I had a good run right? 6 months without feeling like complete and utter shit