LC - Thoughts of the mind

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LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by logical-cents on Sat May 23, 2009 1:17 am

Sometimes I wonder, and think that there must really be something wrong with me. I mean for one thing I'm on holiday yet here I am going into work yesterday for the day and then telling them I'll work Sunday as well. My holidays don't end till I go back to work on Tuesday. Got asked by so many people yesterday why I'd go into work while still on holiday, well what could I say? All I could tell them was that I was bored at home and needed something to do. But truth is the rest I couldn't tell them, they'd look at me strange and probably start backing away. Ya see I'm safe at work, safe from myself that is. Boredom is not a good thing, it leads to more depression and usually self-harm as well, but well I couldn't tell them that could I?

Sometimes I wonder why we are here, why we feel the way we do, why we get down and depressed more than other people. But then have the days like yesterday when its full of fun and laughs and you seem to fit in with everyone else and there's nothing holding you back. I don't like feeling like I'm being held back, like I don't fit in, like people are judging me when they don't even know me. There's a quote I use sometimes 'Don't judge me until you know my story'. No-one has the right to judge anyone until they know everything that person has been through, but does anyone follow that? No, you mention to someone you've got depression and they back off, they change how they treat you, they start watching what they do or say around you or they just cut of all contact what so ever. It hurts, makes you feel more unwanted. I'm a lot more open now though about my depression, not too worried as much about what people think, after all if they can't accept it then those aren't the sort of people I really want in my life. If we were all the same it would be a very boring place after all. I think I'm more open about it now because although it took a few years my parents are more accepting off it and I can talk to them about it, well I can talk to mum about it, dad doesn't really talk about feelings as much or anything, lot of males are like that though (not all).

I think though there comes a time when we do start accepting our ways. We don't though always want to. Hell there are times I curse the way I am. I hate it. Panicking over small insignificant things, having to have things done in a set way, get frustrated and anxious when things don't work out properly or are done wrong. In a way its good that there is one of the duty managers at work, and though he doesn't know about my depression he can tell when I'm starting to work myself up and often manages to talk me around and out of it or at least calm me down or change the subject. He probably doesn't realise how much he has actually helped me keep my cool sometimes at work. Even the times I've kinda had a go at him then not talked to him for a while he's still there. He's too damn nice to me and a lot of the time I feel like I don't deserve it. The times I have had a bit of a go at him though once I've calmed down and that I do apologise to him and explain my point of view or what ever and we talk it out.

Sometimes I loose track of what I was actually saying or what ever, my mind seems to be in short supply and jumps around a bit. Does the same when I'm talking to, can be talking to someone bout something, then I'll start talking about something else, usually succeed in confusing both myself and who ever I'm talking to, then I've just got this person standing in front of me looking at me as if saying 'what the hell?' One good thing is I can usually make people laugh, alright its usually coz I'm putting myself down or saying/doing something stupid, but that's ok. I've learnt to laugh at myself and I don't really care. I call myself an idiot, stupid what ever, I tell others that they are more than welcome to as well. If I can provide someone a laugh or smile in there day by putting down myself then that's fine with me.

My wrist is more than annoying me. Yesterday I got given a warmer jacket at work, at first didn't think I'd be able to wear it coz didn't think it would fit over my cast, luckily it does. But the grocery buyer had to help me get the bloody thing on because then I couldn't get the other arm in properly, she had to zip it up for me too. Was a tad embarrassing but all I could do was laugh, if I didn't I probably would of started crying. She had to fix my collar and that up for me too. It sucks feeling useless.

Anyway I really think I've rambled on enough at the moment. But ya know, I feel more ... calm maybe? after writing all this down.

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Last edited by logical-cents on Sat May 23, 2009 1:54 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by Guest on Sat May 23, 2009 1:47 am

very interesting reading, and I know I can relate to this 'stuff'

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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by logical-cents on Sat May 23, 2009 10:49 pm

Thanks, it's stuff that goes round in my mind often. Is nice to know that others can relate to what I'm saying/thinking.
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by Guest on Sun May 24, 2009 12:58 am

i'm waiting for the next episode....as I can soo relate to this

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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by logical-cents on Sun May 24, 2009 10:37 am

lol at next episode, makes it sound like a TV show or something.

Why? It's a question kids ask as they're growing up because of curiosity. Why can't I do that? Why can't Joe come and play? Why is the grass green? Why do ducks quack? etc. But everyone is curious . Why are we wired different to other people? Why do we feel sad more than other people? Why don't we always feel happy? Why do we often feel negative? Why, why, why? There's so many questions but so very few answers.

I know my medication should probably be upped, why? Because if they up my medication then what if it makes me happy? What if I feel happy all the time? Truthfully I'm afraid, I'm afraid of being 'normal'. I'm afraid of being in a happy world all the time. But then wouldn't it be nice, if for just a while people accepted us for us? It's not as though we ask for this, we don't go along to some shop and ask to buy a mental illness, don't people realise that? We don't ask for it, it's given to us or happens through life.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could change the way we were. But then if we could change the way we were, would we? Would we take that option? Take that risk? If they offered a surgery that re-wired our thoughts/actions, would you do it? I guess though, you don't really know until you've got that option available.

Sometimes we want to be noticed, most of the time we want to hide but then feel left out because we're not being noticed. The mind is a complex thing, it's something I don't really understand. But then I don't understand a lot really. But it's strange, sometimes I understand the simple things and the complex things confuse me, other times I understand the complex things and the simple things confuse me. Why? I don't know, its just the way it is. I can stare at people with a blank look on my face coz I don't understand what they telling me about and it could be a really simple thing.

Stubbornness, is it in our genes or a way in which we are brought up? Its something I started thinking about the other day when dad was trying to get and armchair into my car. Was him and his 2 work mates and me, he says (to no-one in particular) 'I wonder where she gets her stubbornness from?' Now dad is quite stubborn himself, but I'm adopted so therefore don't have his genes, I don't know if either of my birth parents are stubborn, so is this stubbornness I have passed on from my birth parents or been brought on as a way of how I was raised by mum and dad? It showed today just how stubborn I can be, went into work to do the liquor displays and thought I could do all the lifting myself one handed, well I nearly succeeded for the most part, thing is I also succeeded in making my wrist more sore as I thought it would be a good idea to use it sort of like a support underneath the wine boxes. Well Harley didn't tell me I was stubborn, but I'm sure that's what he was thinking, he kept telling me that I should ask for help, told him I couldn't find anyone, he mentioned I could of rang someone (him) to come help. Well now I wasn't smart enough to think of that, and I thought it would be quicker if I done it myself. *sigh* when will I learn?

Anyway, wrist getting sore and think I might head of.

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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by greasemonkey on Mon May 25, 2009 2:27 am

making logical sense....
here.

Putting it out-there
sets up future learning experiences
hense the evolution
of individual conciousness.
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by logical-cents on Mon May 25, 2009 5:45 am

Memories, why is it easier to focus on the negative memories rather than the positive ones? Like I remember being locked outside as a child when I was throwing a tantrum, or getting hit with a belt/jug cord/wooden spoon or getting soap in the mouth. Yet it's harder to focus on the good memories, like helping mum and dad in the garden, getting pushed around by dad in a wheelbarrow, going on trips to the park/zoo/beach. If someone came up to you and said without thinking about it tell me about one positive memory from your past, would you be able to do it?

I used to think that dad didn't really care. Why? Because when you showed him a drawing you'd done, or told him about something that happened or a good score you got then his only reply was (and still is sometimes) 'that's very good Lisa'. It took me a long time to realise, but I now see that is his way of showing us how he cares. At the end of the day, at least he acknowledged us.

I've been told often that it's harder to be sad than it is to be happy. But I reckon it's the other way around. I find it harder to be happy. But what is true happiness? Does anyone really know? Does anyone actually have true happiness?

Medication, it's something I don't like being on. I hate the fact of having to rely on taking one tablet every day. I hate the thought that I may have to do this for the rest of my life just to get through each day. But at the end of the day, when you actually think about it, it's really no different to a diabetic needing insulin, an asthmatic needing ventolin, someone with heart problems needing heart medication. These people and many more are just a few that need to rely on medication for the rest of their lives so why are we so set against it?

Right, that's all for now.

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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by logical-cents on Sat May 30, 2009 6:35 am

Well I've worked out why I've been feeling quite down the last few days. Because I've been forgetting to take my medication. I reckon though that the dosage needs to be taken up a bit as now it's going back and I feel down more often than I feel happy.

I get my chairs tonight as well. Parents are on way up, should be here in next 30mins-an hour. They go home tomorrow morning and I work tomorrow. Oh joy. I do enjoy work, even when I'm not feeling all that great I'd much rather be at work doing something constructive than sitting at home. There's never really anything to do at home because the place is always tidy coz I can't stand mess. I'm spending Monday in Te Awamutu, my manager's invited me out to her place and we'll do something there. Dunno what yet, but yea, guess it depends on what is open.

I choose the right time to go back to work, worked 2 days, 3 off, work 1 day, 1 off, work 2 days, 3 off, lol. After that though it's back to 4 on, 3 off.

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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by Guest on Sun May 31, 2009 4:48 am

have a good monday lc, I'll be thinking of you.

Hopefully we will go four wheel driving...

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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by logical-cents on Thu Jun 04, 2009 5:29 am

Well I've booked myself in for an eye appointment tomorrow to get my eyes tested and see if maybe it is my glasses causing my headaches and stuff. Got taken home from work again yesterday coz of dizziness/light headness. Bloody manager was trying to cause a fuss with the whole thing. I very nearly told the duty manager why I didn't want to go home, coz my manager had gone to get my keys and stuff out of locker and duty manager stayed with me (think they done that to make sure I didn't run off lol) and he said something and I replied with 'yea, but I don't want to go home' he asked why not, but luckily my manager came back then so I didn't have to reply. I think next it will be getting my ear's checked coz that could be a bit why I get off balance. Then it will be back to doctor. One of the first aider's at work thinks it could be low blood pressure, so guess I should get my blood pressure checked as well before going back to doctor. It has also been suggested to me that I go to another doctor and get a second opinion, that's all good to say but takes me long enough to trust the doctor to open up enough to them, took around 8-10 months for me to trust my current doctor enough.
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by greasemonkey on Thu Jun 04, 2009 7:15 am

logical-cents wrote:Sometimes I wonder, and think that there must really be something wrong with me. I mean for one thing I'm on holiday yet here I am going into work yesterday for the day and then telling them I'll work Sunday as well. My holidays don't end till I go back to work on Tuesday. Got asked by so many people yesterday why I'd go into work while still on holiday, well what could I say? All I could tell them was that I was bored at home and needed something to do. But truth is the rest I couldn't tell them, they'd look at me strange and probably start backing away. Ya see I'm safe at work, safe from myself that is. Boredom is not a good thing, it leads to more depression and usually self-harm as well, but well I couldn't tell them that could I?

Sometimes I wonder why we are here, why we feel the way we do, why we get down and depressed more than other people. But then have the days like yesterday when its full of fun and laughs and you seem to fit in with everyone else and there's nothing holding you back. I don't like feeling like I'm being held back, like I don't fit in, like people are judging me when they don't even know me. There's a quote I use sometimes 'Don't judge me until you know my story'. No-one has the right to judge anyone until they know everything that person has been through, but does anyone follow that? No, you mention to someone you've got depression and they back off, they change how they treat you, they start watching what they do or say around you or they just cut of all contact what so ever. It hurts, makes you feel more unwanted. I'm a lot more open now though about my depression, not too worried as much about what people think, after all if they can't accept it then those aren't the sort of people I really want in my life. If we were all the same it would be a very boring place after all. I think I'm more open about it now because although it took a few years my parents are more accepting off it and I can talk to them about it, well I can talk to mum about it, dad doesn't really talk about feelings as much or anything, lot of males are like that though (not all).

I think though there comes a time when we do start accepting our ways. We don't though always want to. Hell there are times I curse the way I am. I hate it. Panicking over small insignificant things, having to have things done in a set way, get frustrated and anxious when things don't work out properly or are done wrong. In a way its good that there is one of the duty managers at work, and though he doesn't know about my depression he can tell when I'm starting to work myself up and often manages to talk me around and out of it or at least calm me down or change the subject. He probably doesn't realise how much he has actually helped me keep my cool sometimes at work. Even the times I've kinda had a go at him then not talked to him for a while he's still there. He's too damn nice to me and a lot of the time I feel like I don't deserve it. The times I have had a bit of a go at him though once I've calmed down and that I do apologise to him and explain my point of view or what ever and we talk it out.

Sometimes I loose track of what I was actually saying or what ever, my mind seems to be in short supply and jumps around a bit. Does the same when I'm talking to, can be talking to someone bout something, then I'll start talking about something else, usually succeed in confusing both myself and who ever I'm talking to, then I've just got this person standing in front of me looking at me as if saying 'what the hell?' One good thing is I can usually make people laugh, alright its usually coz I'm putting myself down or saying/doing something stupid, but that's ok. I've learnt to laugh at myself and I don't really care. I call myself an idiot, stupid what ever, I tell others that they are more than welcome to as well. If I can provide someone a laugh or smile in there day by putting down myself then that's fine with me.

My wrist is more than annoying me. Yesterday I got given a warmer jacket at work, at first didn't think I'd be able to wear it coz didn't think it would fit over my cast, luckily it does. But the grocery buyer had to help me get the bloody thing on because then I couldn't get the other arm in properly, she had to zip it up for me too. Was a tad embarrassing but all I could do was laugh, if I didn't I probably would of started crying. She had to fix my collar and that up for me too. It sucks feeling useless.

Anyway I really think I've rambled on enough at the moment. But ya know, I feel more ... calm maybe? after writing all this down.

Like a Star @ heaven

So important to NOT HOLD IT IN....
these ramblings of the mind.

Keeping in Mind,
"What is My next thought going to be?"
is a good MANTRA
for sitting meditation.

Have you taken sometime for yourself alone lately
and luxuriated
in your-self
as energy?


Last edited by greasemonkey on Thu Jun 04, 2009 7:16 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : love)
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by logical-cents on Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:21 am

Worry, it can take over if you let it. I'm trying to hold back on my worry, but it's starting to get to me. I've been crying most of this afternoon, I thought maybe today I would get an answer as to what's possibly causing my headaches and lightheadness. Eye's are fine, prescription doesn't need updating which in itself is a relief coz well where am I meant to find a few hundred dollars from to get new glasses? Got blood pressure checked too and it's a little bit high, but nurse said not high enough to cause the dizziness and such.

I try so hard to not think about this and what it could be, I'm sure it's just something basic and fixable, but I keep think about like the worse case scenarios, like what if it's a form of cancer, or a tumor or something like that? What happens if I pass out while driving? What happens if I pass out at home and come down harder than I have before and don't wake up? How long would it take for me to be found? What happens if I pass out crossing the road? Climbing a ladder? Going for a walk? What happens then? This stupid thing what ever it is, is what caused me to do the damage to my wrist in the first place. I'd gotten lightheaded, could feel myself starting to fall so put hand out to try support myself, misjudged the distance and whacked it on the corner of the wall unit then managed to twist it round somehow and land on it on the floor. All I want is an answer, then I know whether my worries are justified or whether I am just worrying over nothing. It is very frustrating for me, it happens more often than the guys at work realise. What happens if one day they open the chiller door and I'm passed out on the floor? Or if I pass out down the isle. ? Anything could happen.

*sigh* I really don't know. I try so hard to push all this out of my head, when it happens it happens. One thing that sucks is when it hits me quite bad like the other day, I end up really tired and get like relapses for quite a few days after. Kinda hard to put something out of your head when you can be sitting there and all of a sudden your head starts to spin, and eyes go blurry and so on.

Speaking of which I need to go lie down, might as well go to bed too.

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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by greasemonkey on Fri Jun 05, 2009 12:45 pm

lol
good.

Mind can make us mental as anything alright!
Why do we do it?
Why are we expecting to find a solution to the worries in our minds
when out of it is best!

When we are out-of-it
answers come.
Thinking is trying,
is un-creative when we dont create gaps
for the answer to arise.

Mind dosnt create thought
thought were here long before we were Borned Here.

One can be outa their mind and comfortable.

Out there,(here now)
we can see that Mind requires our investment if it is to become greater than what it is,
a Tool to be used.

Like all tools we hang em back up when not in use.

Viewing the Mind
the watcher has all POWER!

Be gentle with yourself.

We are not the ego that sits dead-centre of our Minds
We exists OUTSIDE the Mind of our-own creation
and become entrapped simply by un-awarely
entering into our mind.


Last edited by greasemonkey on Fri Jun 05, 2009 12:49 pm; edited 3 times in total (Reason for editing : love)
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by daze7 on Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:47 pm

Hi LC, I can understand your being worried about what's happening to you. Also, part of depression can be over-worry and anxiety. My only suggestion is to get a second opinion or at least get your Dr to explain what could be causing what you're experiencing. I know that not understanding something can cause stress. All the 'what-ifs' come up and take energy. How frustrating for you, to say the least. Have you explained to your Dr how you worry about the dizziness and headaches?
Hugs, Daze
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by logical-cents on Fri Jun 05, 2009 11:54 pm

I haven't gotten round to explaining how it makes me worry to my doc. I'd just like to be able to know what's causing it and if it's treatable. Least then I can also let work know so they've got some understanding of it too. It has been suggested to get a second opinion, but that kinda scares me in itself, I feel I need to be able to trust my doctor before I let them run tests etc.
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by logical-cents on Sat Jun 06, 2009 2:36 am

I think the only good thing so far is that yesterday I got the cast of my wrist, it's now in a splint type thing that comes up my hand though too so still don't really have much use of it but at least it's not as big and bulky as the cast. In the next week or two I should be able to go over to just a brace thing which will mean I've got the use of my hand at least back. Start physio this week for it too, still got some exercises to do with it at home.
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by greasemonkey on Sat Jun 06, 2009 2:44 am

goody
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by logical-cents on Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:34 am

Isn't it funny how you can grow up living with your family and hating them or not getting on that well with them, but when you're not around them and have moved away you miss them and want them round but if they are around for too long you want them gone? At the moment I want my family round, but I'm just putting that down to the fact that I've got a sore throat and so am no feeling that great. Stupid throat plays up every damn winter, it was meant to stop this after I got my tonsils out last year Mad
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by greasemonkey on Fri Jun 12, 2009 12:04 pm

salt-gargelling sounds like fun
and is good to harden-up the soft inflamed tissues of the throat.
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2009 11:46 pm

hey I had a septrhynoplasty several years ago and I still have sinus problems - have done ever since, just not so severe

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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by logical-cents on Mon Jun 15, 2009 2:32 am

Would it not be good if we could fast-forward through life, through the parts that are stressful and tiring, through the parts where we are sick and miserable, through the parts where there is pain and suffering. Well yes it would be good, but without those parts then who are we? Those parts help make us up, (they should) make us enjoy everything else much more. It's so easy to think of everything that makes us miserable, maybe if we took 5 minutes out of our evening to think of 1-2 things that we enjoyed or that was something positive of that day it could perhaps brighten it up a little bit, maybe realise that maybe, just maybe on some small chance life isn't quite so bad.

When my parents found out I was suffering from depression, mum suggested to start writing down in a book at the end of every day 5 things that were good about that day. Well I soon gave that up. Why? It is damn hard to try find 5 good things about a day when you don't even want to get up in the morning. Hell most of the time even now I'd struggle to think of 2 things, let alone 5 things. Most days go by and I don't focus on whether anything good happened in the day. Keep thinking of what went wrong, or what I done wrong, what I should have done, what I could have done better etc etc etc.

Life is a challenge, it takes a strong person to live each and everyday. We are all still here, so that makes us strong people as well. The fact the we live each day with a mental illness? The fact that sometimes the simplest of things is a challenge for us? The fact that we struggle to do everyday tasks? Just proves that we must be strong to still be in this world, on this earth. If we have to live our lives day by day, hour by hour or minute by minute, does it really matter as long as we are still here walking this earth? Yes, sure there may be many a time when we wish we weren't here, when we consider the fact that there are other options, when we sit and plan ways to escape without hurting anyone else. Truth is, we'd hurt anyone and everyone that knew and/or cared about us no matter how we choose to escape this place. There is no easy way out, there is no easy path. No matter the path we choose we always risk hurting someone. We can't make everyone happy all the time, and we shouldn't try to. What we should be trying to do is to make ourselves happy. We are number 1. We deserve to be here just like everyone else. We may not think this is true, but it is true. We have a right, we have our rights, we deserve to live just like anyone else.

If everyone was the same, how boring would that be?

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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by greasemonkey on Mon Jun 15, 2009 3:11 am

WE cant live and not hurt anything.
Everything we do hurts something else.


By watching,how pain is experienced within us
we get to see how our mechanism functions.

When experiencing pain we react like a sea anenomes.
We contract.
When we notice we contract on the thought of pain
then we realise how powerfully creative we are.

Through our minds we get to find just how powerful we are,
as when we train ourselves NOT TO REACT we retain the full (bloomed) openess
which aliveness is and stay intouch with our intuition
which provides the lightning-answers when dealing with the difficulties in our Days.

The Mind functions best when Open.
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by Guest on Mon Jun 15, 2009 3:59 am

Yes but how do we open our mind???

Sometimes it is so closed that we need a jackhammer to open up from the bottom up!

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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by greasemonkey on Mon Jun 15, 2009 5:50 am

[quote="mylife"]Yes but how do we open our mind???

Sometimes it is so closed that we need a jackhammer to open up from the bottom up![/




Who is this WE that uses the JackHammer?
and
how often do you use this method to open the mind you're attacking?

What does taking CARE mean to YOU?
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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

Post by Guest on Mon Jun 15, 2009 8:19 am

hmmmm taking care...

means:

1. Eating healthy
2. getting exercise
3. having time to oneself
4. laughing alot
5. having friends
6 being secure

just for a start

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Re: LC - Thoughts of the mind

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