Adventures of a fiesty girl - The story of rediscovering herself

I am so grateful for finding this forum. I love the idea of this journal to record my journey and share it with you. While my story is starting off in a very dark space I am hoping that as I rediscover myself I can once again look at life in a positive light and see the bright side. I am generally someone who can look for the positive and even find the humour.

Every day I am going to write down here or in a personal journal the things I am grateful for. My hope is that it will get me to focus on good things which in turn will begin to create good things in my life. I encourage you to do the same and would love it if you could share it with me below.

I am grateful to my mother for being my rock. She has been looking after me all week and has put her life on hold to help me get better.
I am grateful to my friends and family who show me only love and support.
I am grateful that I have a new job to start in the next few weeks giving me a new focus.

My life has always been a roller coaster with spells of depression. From time to time I wonder what it's all really about and do I have the energy to pull myself together yet again. Today I find myself in a very confused and distressed place. Five days ago I took an extremely large amount of pills to OD. I had been struggling with my depression for the last couple of months and despite doing everything right to get the help I needed it's clear now that I was on a slippery slope. The week before had gone well as my new meds were a much better fit for me however on the Sunday night previous my partner had gone running in a forest and gotten lost. While I managed to keep it together it was the worst night of my life not knowing if he was hurt, lost or dead and never coming back. Thankfully he was safe and did come back with our life getting back on track. The following Sunday I started going downhill and we had a silly fight. When I saw him after work the next day he ended our relationship and I was devastated. We had a connection that you dream you can find with someone and we were going to spend our lives together. We were in it for the long haul yet suddenly our future ceased to exist with next to no warning. I understood that my depression was hard for him yet he never let me know the extent of it as he didn't want to make my depression worse. Ultimately he gave up and ran away when I needed him the most. I had been thinking about taking those pills on and off for the last few weeks but then thinking that no I wouldn't, I could never do that. Yet I had been barely functioning that day as it was so I gave in and went through with it.

I was so overwhelmed that I had to do it to make everything stop. I wasn't concious if I wanted it to be for a moment or forever all I could think of was that I had to get away from what was happening and I now I find myself in the scariest place I have ever been. I'm exhausted mentally and physically from the stress building over the last few months and especially the events of the last two weeks. I can barely function and have been on the verge of going back to hospital to be put on a drip for the last three days. Just drinking or eating is hard due to not being hungry and the sick feeling it produces. Showering is out too as last time I fainted hurting my knee and ankle. I feel like I am fighting so hard yet I feel completely broken as I can't do the basics for myself. It is such an odd place to be at the age of 31 once again totally reliant on my mother to give me the basics I need. I switch between wanting the relationship back and wanting to move on. I can't forget about our special connection yet I can see now that I wasn't getting the support I needed from him. At the end of the day I want to accept the relationship has ended yet my soul won't let me and the changing thoughts are eating me up.

Throughout this dark time I am so grateful that I have a glimmer of hope. I have been offered a short term job within my department that I have been pursuing for some time now. It's just the motivation that I need to get back on track, get back to my home town and just the distraction I need to think about something else. My concern though is getting myself physically strong enough as I am so weak right now. My thoughts are still so jumbled and I wonder if I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I'm trying to focus on the basics of drinking, eating, showering and dressing but the realisation of all these huge events over the last two weeks invade my thoughts leaving me paralysed.

I am grateful that I have some fantastic help. The local mental health services in my mothers town have been fantastic providing me with daily visits or phone calls. My drs surgery have also been doing all they can for me. There is some great help out there when you need it.

Today...
I am grateful that I was able to get dressed and leave the house.
I am grateful for my mother's strength to stand by me.
I am grateful for a long sleep last night.
I am grateful that life is carrying on and that I want to be part of it again.
I am grateful that I get stronger every day.

Today has been filled of ups and downs with the day feeling like it's taking forever. I'm stuck between two worlds and it's sending me into a spin. I am trying so hard to put one foot on front of the other but keep sliding backwards again. I have made good progress and I wish that I could focus on how good that is. The thoughts of what I have been through and what I have lost keep taking over. This is such a merry go round of thoughts and emotions.

Every day I gain more clarity. Every day I am stronger than the last. I am a fighter and I will get through to the other side of this. I believe in myself and I can do this.

Please share with me what you are grateful for.

Today

I am grateful for mashed potato and chocolate.
I am grateful for my mother's dedication.
I am grateful for finishing a puzzle.
I am grateful for showering, dressing and going outside.
I am grateful for the support group I found on facebook.