The invisible girl.

I'm fading away. I'm becoming invisible. No, not really – I've been invisible all my life. My parents had 2 daughters, me, and then the baby. I was the “spare one” in the middle. Third of four. I knew my place, and it was nowhere. I crept quietly through childhood, trying desperately not to be noticed. At school I aimed at a B pass in my exams – failing would get definitely noticed, a C was a bare pass, worth notice, and an A would embarrass my older sisters – not acceptable.
When I went to Auckland University, I was one among a thousand accountancy students – nobody would see me in that lot! Except one boy did, and I did the unthinkable – pregnant at 18 would get the neighbours talking, so I was quietly smuggled over to Australia to deliver and give up the baby, then come back as if nothing ever happened. I was forbidden to ever tell anybody, and the topic was never mentioned again. My son is now 30 years old, and only a handful of people on the planet know he exists.
I returned to University, but couldn't handle the stress, and one day I had a blackout, and found myself wandering the streets. I am missing approximately 4 hours of my life, and I have no idea what I did that morning. I dropped out that afternoon, and my parents were so unimpressed I left town, and moved to Wellington. Nobody ever found out it happened.
Public servant accounts clerks are invisible, so I fitted in well. In due course, I met my husband, got married, and eventually had 2 sons, and moved to the provinces.
I have done nothing spectacular in my life, and have pretty much nothing to show for my 49 years on the planet, except 2 sons (and the episode in Australia which never happened.)
Earlier this year, stress started to build up again – an absentee husband on a contract in Australia, living in a new, as yet unfinished house, working in a job I detested, running around after 3 teenager (my 2, and an exchange student). Add in being treated like an invisible doormat, and inevitably the symptoms of a heart attack showed up. I was taken to hospital in an ambulance – twice – only to be told “it's only stress, nothing to worry about, just go home and relax”. Oops, sorry for bothering you Doctor. But the cardiology department decided to put me on heart drugs “just in case”. Beta Blockers can have the side effect of triggering vivid dreams, but nobody warned me I would have no sleep at all for a week, except for psychotic nightmares!
Then something snapped, and I ended up driving to Wellington and attempting suicide. Oops, sorry, mustn't mention that. Needless to say, I didn't succeed, and came home, to be told off by the Mental Health Crisis team. I flushed the remainder of the Beta Blockers down the loo.
That was in August. I have not seen or heard from anyone in the medical profession since then. I ditched my horrid job after the unmentionable episode, and my husband's contract finished, so he's at home full time now.
Fast forward to December.
I can't get a job, so I'm at home, all the time. Hubby is still at home, all the time. School has finished so both boys are at home, all the time. Our place is a 90 square metre (read as tiny) open plan cottage (read as everyone is in one room), and it's so claustrophobic, sometimes I just want to scream. I think I'm going to go mad if I don't get out of here. That's OK, cos I'm mad already.
But there's the other problem. Husband's current contract doesn't pay. And I'm not earning. So now we're completely broke. All credit cards and overdrafts are maxed out, the mortgage is maxed out, so we're at the end.

I have no idea what is going to happen now, but I can feel myself slipping back into whatever triggered my breakdown in August.

None of you know who I am, so I feel safe talking to you on this message board. I can stay invisible, while having someone to talk to. I don't expect anyone to read this, or reply, but that's fine, I'm used to it.

Hi there suems. We may not know who you are hun, but I for one would love to get to know you a little better. Thankyou for sharing your story, I wish I could be of help, but apart from being a listening ear and sending you some hugs, I'm not sure what else to say. Maybe you could take a wee break over the xmas period, somewhere that wont cost. Maybe to a good freinds or a family member. I know in the past when I have been a little over whelmed by goings on, I just take myself off to my sisters with a bottle of wine, stay a couple of nights and then return home feeling a little more relaxed. I'm sure given the ages of the children, they and hubby could manage for a few nights.
Hun a wonder if you could contact your doctor and let he/she know just how hard it is for you at the moment, maybe they could speed track some councilling for you. I'm pleased you are here with us, sometimes just writing it all down helps. Take care sweet, things have a way of working themselves out. Hugs to you, Pam.

Well I read it darling Sue... Oh where do I start with this.

Of course we will reply - we care, you are amazing.

Well done for posting this you are so very brave, invisibility has its place in life and sometimes it is what is needed. It is good that you feel safe here as that is what this site is for. I know what that is like and really rely on the invisibility factor here.

I know what it is like to be at financial 'ends' it is a real stress and not one I like personally. It affects everything.

What type of job are you looking for? Can you secure a temping position?

I agree with peterpam, can you re approach a doctor and certainly writing down 'stuff' here does help - even if you are sitting there with tears down your face.

Please look after yourself, and give us updates, that is what we are here for..

Hello Suems ..... I'm in your neck of the woods - well, New Plymouth. If you'd ever like to go to the lovely Pukekura Park for some 'time-out' - a wander - we could maybe arrange something.

I'm a middle child too. Sending caring thoughts to you ......... Daze

Hi Suems

Did you get thru Christmas? If you did, feeling the way you are, then you are not invisible, you are stronger than you thought you were.

I too have had to let my home go. I too am unemployed. A Registered Mental Health Nurse with depression isn't a good look on the unit. I tended to "empathise" too much with those in my care and told Management to get stuffed. I haven't been able to get a job since, funny that. My wishes for you right now are that which I wish myself, peace and the abillity to find a place that I can fit into. And the realisation that you do
matter, a lot and thanks for telling your story here, it made me feel less lonely. So did the responses it shows that people out there do care.

suems

i dont want to presume too much here but, i can't help feeling that maybe you are still grieving for the child you had to adopt out all those years ago,
denying an emotion such as grief and anger and guilt and all those that surround the loss of a child through adoption can really play havoc on your mental health.
i have adopted out my first baby, and i am quite certain that alot of my problems stem from that experience. my child is 18 yrs old now, and i was not forced to adopt her out, i just felt i had no other choice.
i have a lot of guilt, anger and deep deep grief that i cannot allow to surface for the fear of not being able to survive it.
it comes out in small doses and then i bury it.
it is too deep, too raw, to real.

i have lost loved ones to death
and this is nothing like it
it is a maternal ache, that no other child, or person can relieve.
but,
i know for me that talking about it, acknowledging it, has helped.
the first step for me was to voice it, loud and clear to all those who are around
"i adopted out my baby and i am f*cking sad angry and mad!!"

there is freedom in letting it out

search for some help
lifeline
is great when there is no one else to talk to

i have found some peace, i still have work to do, but the peace i have is enough for now and it is blissful compared to what was.

you are not invisible
you are a mum, there is not a brighter shinning light.
and, you are you
we here see you
you are not invisible

No, definitely not grieving. I know I did the right thing in giving up the baby. What really pisses me off is the attitude of my Mother, who was more worried about that her friends and neighbours may find out, rather than what I may have been feeling.

I had a very quiet Christmas, pretty much a non event really. But we had friends from out of town staying here in their housebus over New Year. I was a bit nervous as this guy was my boyfriend many years ago, before I met my husband. I took a long time to get over being dumped by him, and had a soft spot for him for a very long time. Thankfully all went well - but it was as if he had never met me before! As he and his wife left, he said goodbye and shook my hand - like a stranger.
Maybe being invisible means I am easily forgotten as well. Maybe I'm just being over sensitive. This was, after all, over 25 years ago.

Anyway, I have made a sort of New Years resolution (apart from the one promising to lose 30 spare kilograms which seem to have snuck up on me recently)

I am going to pretend I am happy and normal, and if I can keep it up long enough, it may just come true. As my husband says, there is no point in dwelling on the past - old boyfriends, hidden babies, stress breakdown and attempted suicide. If I act as if they never happened, and do not let it affect me, then I can live a normal life with a future. After all, none of those events officially happened, there are no records ( either medical or legal), and no-one knows about them, so why should I continually remind myself of them?

This of course means I will not be posting on this forum, because I am not depressed, and the only big black dog is the one I may get as a reward for being a good, normal person.

I am not invisible - but am now a shadow, and this year I will concentrate on becoming solid.

Love your intention for the New Year Suems, becoming more assertive and substantial as a human being is good thinking.

I post on here for the moral support and understanding I find here, having experienced much the same as you have yourself, don't go being a stranger to us.

You know what its like and how this feels, maybe you could help someone else.

Well, an update on the latest shock happenings.

ON the 8th, I was raced into hospital with the most unbelievable pain ever experienced (and that comes from someone who waited for 6 hours before surgery in Wellington Hospital with a ruptured appendix!).
It turned out to be a kidney stone - 7x11mm - huge.

They tried to stabilise the pain and waited to see if I would pass the stone (huh! fat chance!), then on Monday night they inserted a stent in my kidney to drain urine and prevent the stone from blocking the kidney.

When I came out of the anaesthetic, the pain was gone completely. Over the next few days I pee'ed gallons, drank gallons, and then I realised everything had changed.

Over Xmas, I had been feeling old, un-needed, irrelevant, random aches and pains from getting old (I'm 49), and generally lost the will to carry on. Since the op I feel better than I have in many months, possibly years. I feel as if a huge fog has lifted from my brain. I can think clearly, I'm looking forward to life, and all my aches and pains have gone.

Better than that, I was so sick in hospital, on a drip and "nil by mouth" that I went through caffeine withdrawal and out the other side - I am now drug free, pain free, coffee free, and 3kg lighter to boot!! (I must have had bad fluid retention too.) My husband is delighted to find that I have even found my long-lost sex drive - it had faded away with the rest of me.

I'm not out of the woods completely, as I am on a waiting list to have the stone laser-blasted, but I feel I have been given my life back - I just hadn't realised it had been stolen by a kidney stone!!

Its as if all the dramas, depression, heart / panic attacks, suicide attempt, were all part of a hidden kidney problem which has finally been fixed. I would not wish kidney stone pain on anyone on this earth, but it almost seems as if the pain was worth it to suddenly get to this new world.

Sorry I'm raving a bit, but I still can't believe it all. Thank you all for helping me get through the past few months, and I hope that you all find a way out of the fog like I have. (although without the kidney stones - that's not nice)

Suems I am so happy for you. Isn't is an amazing feeling to be out the other side. I really hope things have gone along with this kidney problem, you bloody well deserve it! Many hugs,

Haley xXx

Hi Suems I'm pleased for you that you are on the mend and that you are feeling great. I hope it continues to get better and that you are free of that huge kidney stone soon!

Dear Sue ms\
I believe in that stuff.

All the ghastlies in your system were being taken up by the calcium and crystals in your renal calculus.

Its gone and let all your bad fortune go with it.

May god in his heaven bless you and thanks for coming back to tell us.

Hi guys, I'm back! It has been a roller coaster of a time, but now I'm right back where I was when I started this journal.
Update on the kidney stones: I finally had 2 stones (both 11mm) blasted in April last year, after several bladder/kidney infections, return trips to ED to sort out pain relief, and falling off the waiting list twice. (Par for the course for someone who's invisible).
One strange thing that is disturbingly comforting - I ended up with a good supply of pain relief - mostly codeine, which is what I tried in the suicide attempt. Now that I have in my possession the means to end it all, I no longer feel as trapped, and feel a little less panicky about having no means of escape out of my life. I seem to have developed a fatalistic attitude to my life. With all of the disasters around the world (earthquakes, tornadoes, nuclear meltdown etc) I find myself thinking that I wouldn't really mind if I died - then this would finally all be over. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal (at the moment) but I wouldn't mind if I died, and I know I can always escape if I had to. So death is now one more thing I don't need to worry about.

The euphoria after the first kidney surgery was somewhat short-lived. I slowly sank back down. After I quit my horrible job the day after the suicide attempt, I joined the ranks of the unemployed, and at 50, nobody would employ me. So I stayed home all day. My husband and older son both work at home, and we live in a 90sq metre house, all open plan, so there is no escape or privacy.
Husband's computer project was still not paying anything, and the dole is not exactly a luxurious income, so the bills piled up, and we got extremely close to bankruptcy and losing our home.

A couple of months ago, I finally got a full time job - not a huge wage but a lot better than the dole. I'm a tiny cog in a great big wheel, so am back to being invisible again. I hadn't worked full time since my kids were born (now 19 and 16), and it has taken quite a bit to get used to the hours, the getting up early, and the exhaustion in the evenings.

The stress of training on the new job started to get to me and a couple of weeks ago I had a "mini-meltdown". My husband took me back to my doctor, and now I'm starting counselling, and she is considering SSRI medication.

So here I am, back again, pouring out my heart to strangers. And still invisible. And probably about to join the Prozac Nation.

Hi there, great to see you again.

I suppose with this being a journal of sorts, I should keep updating it. I've had one counselling session, which was really only me telling her about the last couple of years, and where I'm at now. I got no real advice other than when I'm getting overwhelmed, I should sit up straight, breathe, and think positive thoughts! The only new thing I found out was that in the referral, my GP said he was considering SSRI medication (despite telling me he didn't want to let me have any medication). I have been reading up on the net, and have found an alternative called 5-HTP I'm trying it out, but don't know if it will make any difference.

I'm starting to feel a little better, but I don't know if that's because someone took the time to sit down and listen to me for the first time ever, (even though she was getting paid to listen), or if this 5-HTP is working. My fear now is that I will go to the next counselling session next week, and she will decide I'm doing fine and discharge me. I'll be OK until the next time. Whenever that may be.

In the meantime, I'll just float along, alone and invisible, as I have done for most of my life. Until the next crisis hits.

Then what?