That sick feeling in your stomach and on your right temple ...

I really hate that sinking feeling you get in your stomach, and niggling - sick - feeling you get on your right temple ... as if something is not right, yet you can't put your finger on it. I have it tonight ... will take one of my magical sleeping tablets and pray it kicks in quickly for me to get a good night's rest.

At our family Christmas lunch today the topic of depression was raised as someone known to the family is suffering from it. The general consensus was that she should 'toughen up' and 'wake her ideas up'. If only they knew I suffer from it too, and that advice is easier said than done!

As I was driving back I was thinking about this conversation, and for some reason recalled when, in late 1995, I went to a local medical centre, at my absolute wits' end, wanting to see a doctor after hours for severe depression. The (female) doctor I saw took notes, then excused herself to go and see her nurse. Within earshot, she told the nurse that 'People like this REALLY waste our time - it's just ridiculous' - to which I walked out (paying, of course). To this day, I regret not making a formal complaint. I was okay in the end - I guess the adrenalin of my visit kept me going! - but for a health professional to say that is absolutely disgusting.

My contribution to today's family conversation on depression was that none of us could possibly comment on this woman's situation without knowing the full facts.

I haven't told anone in my immediate family that I have depression because of the way they talk about people that suffer from it. It is so hard to say "I'm feeling depressed' and they just shrug it off not knowing that you really mean it.

I drunkenly told my cousin about it and that I've wanted to kill myself so many times, I don't think she remembers which I'm quite happy about. While she was sympathetic she still said 'You're lucky to have a loving mother, you're pretty, educated blah blah blah' which always makes me feel worse and so ungreatful and undeserving of what I do have.

I get a sick feeling and my mouth goes prickly and I just feel like someone or something has died. Its horrible.

I don't have sleeping pills any more because I would take them as soon as I got home from work, I just didn't want to be awake anymore, and surely tomorrow will be better?

It's sad that people still have that kind of attitude. Although I kind of understand where they are coming from. It's really hard to understand what it's like having depression when you haven't experienced it for yourself. Even so called professionals struggle with this. Which is just unacceptable. GPs really need to sort themselves out when dealing with depressed patients. Telling them to basically harden up, which is what my GP implied to me, really isn't going to work. I think you'll find everyone with depression has tried that at least once. It just doesn't work.

I've only told my parents and siblings. It was actually a relief telling them, as I could explain some of my past behaviour.

It must be really hard for others who have not been in our bottomless pits to be able to understand the pain and desperation we can feel. I have a friend who always says onward and upward.....she really has no idea. She admits she has never ever felt down. Can you imagine that? Im mid forties, and...hells bells....in all that time....to feel happy has been miraculous. I cant begin to imagine how simple life must be to someone who has happy as a default...

I battle with the question if depression is a state of mind, or because of circumstances of our pasts...I thnk it is both. Nothing in my life has ever been easy. Sexual abuse as child etc etc....my friend who has happy default has never had anything like that.

I just dont know. Life can feel so hard.