Clothes shopping

I went clothes shopping today! A very rare thing for me. I took a friends 11yo daughter to help me She is always complaining how I were trackpants and tees. I got two shirts for work, dress pants and leather jacket.

I also showed her a few things I was looking at getting over the comming weeks to get her opinion

No more of this type of Post or Thread here at TBBD thank you Roswell – and everyone one else here too.

Too many of our members, me included and including no doubt, some of our Guest Visitors have been harmed by family or trusted friends of family.

Even an innocent post such as your’s can be read more as if it is recounting the story of an adult + adult shopping experience, until the age of the child is mentioned. And the fact she is a child. Your story could be read as if it was a perfect Grooming Adventure recital and I’m sure you would not want anyone to think that.

I’m sure that you’ll agree that sometimes something doesn’t have to be ‘wrong’ to be inappropriate. Too many of us here at TBBD have as children and young adults been victims of criminals and criminal acts against us. A sad but true fact.

So what might be fully appropriate if said at one venue, can be inappropriate at another venue. Share it at the Smoko table at work if you feel it is an appropriate story to recount, but not here at TBBD thanks.

As the Site Administrator, I have decided that this ‘theme’ is not appropriate here at TBBD. It’s not a negotiable position. No more Roswell. Please, think before you post.

Paddy Quinn
Marton.
Admin etc.

Paddy I am so mad at you that I no longer know what to say.

You are so out of line.

It was rather silly of a grown man to go shopping for clothes with an 11 year old.

Was her mother present?

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Martine - Please read the post properly before you comment. I went clothes shopping for myself! She complains about what I normally wear and was there to advise me on fashion. It was also her mothers idea for me to get advice re what to wear!

Paddy - I am disgusted at your reply. It is this type of bullshit that which make it hard for innocent people to live their lives. Also being sexually abused is no excuse for your comments. I have been sexually abused myself over a long period of time and as a result I still have trust issues, find it hard to form close relationships etc.

It was an innocent day out at the mall with a friend, her daughter and her son. I lived with them for almost two years when I was really unwell. I am considered "one of the family" and over provide respite for the mother as she has a son who has downs syndrome; this includes overnight respite.

The childrens father has little involvement with his children and my friend is pleased that I provide a regular, positive male influance for both her children.

My relationship with her daughter is akin to one of older brother. She is comfitable comming and talking to me on a number of topics includeing my past, her relationship with her father and his new partner.

Please note it is not only males thats sexually abuse, women also offend at a high rate but society do not acknowledge this.

I have worked with youth over a number of years and in varying roles. The hoops I have to jump through are crazy. Friends of mine now refuse to work with youth due the attitudes showen by small minded people with the same attidue as shown here.

It has got so bad that males are too scared to become treachers, support workers. I even know friends who are too scared to hold their young daughters hand as they walk down the street.

I am bloody disgusted!

Ros you never said the whole family was at the mall. I did read your post.

It is a risky thing as you quite rightly point out for any bloke to be out with a child, yes it has got that bad.

What an 11 year old's idea of fashion sense for a grown man is escapes me.

This thread has been discussed with a lawyer friend of mine and has been passed onto him for him to review.

He has said there is nothing untoward in my intial post and nothing untoward in my actions.

I will not be adding to this thread until I have heard back from him as per his instructions.

It's a sad day indeed when not even the most innocent of encounters can be mentioned here.

Paddy, we know you have your sexual abuse related hang ups. Get help and deal with them. Don't make a drama out of them in a thread that has absolutely no sex or abuse context whatsoever. You've made a far leap, got it completely wrong and abused your position as administrator.

Martine, even if the girl's family wasn't there, he is a trusted friend of the family and there is absolutely no reason why such an outing shouldn't occur. You may think "it's got that bad". If you want to contribute to that hysteria, that's your issue.

How unfortunate that this topic about clothes shopping is now a topic about whether men can be trusted around children; and through no fault at all of the topic creator. It is disgusting.

I thought I would write something on here even though i know most people opinions of me.


I have seen in real life how Roswell and this "child" gets along. Its just like brother and sister. Theres nothing more too it!

Woppow - my opinion of you is one of an achiever, a strong person. What you have had to deal with, especially in recent times, has taken alot of strength and focus. Your one cool lady!

Roz, our lovely alien, I hope you enjoyed your shopping trip - it sounds like you did

It is a really sad sad day when our community reads bad things into posts straight away - without question or query. Then the thread starts to turn nasty....is that what we want?

I am a person captured within the comment of "Too many of us here at TBBD have as children and young adults been victims of criminals and criminal acts against us" as I was abused as a young girl and as a young wife, however, that did not mean that I read Ros's post in the dreadful light that has been highlighted.

I am sure not all of us read the post that way.....I certainly read it in an innocent way, maybe that is just me!!!

A difference of opinion to my mind encourages healthy debate.

Are we not allowed to give an opinion?

Or is that so threatening we need to defend ourselves.

Roswell I will not be adding to this non debate either.

And no I haven't seen a lawyer I am acting on my own recognisance.

I want to protest! We are all here to be supportive of each other not to judge or retaliate. Lawyers what on earth do you need one of those for especially in this forum? Paddy like you I have issues of abuse in my past which as always are hard to come to terms with but we live and learn. Being new on this forum I dont know everyones past but then again we dont know our futures either. This is how we grow by sharing events both good that help us get through our bad days and bad events that others might be able to shed a little light on our black days. I beleive this is what TBBD was created for or am I wrong? Take care everyone

With reference to the first poster on this , can I just say you appear to be out to cause some trouble, you gave little information other than you had been out with a friends 11yr old who is always complaining of your clothes. Instead of attacking those who questioned you why not look at the post and think!!!!!!!!!! oh dear I see and elaborate on it. You should know what can happen when people start talking out of turn, or do not give the correct information at the beginning. In this day and age and in this world that we live to many horrible things happen to those we should be caring about. You may have been entirely innocent in the comment but others have suffered,because people thought oh thats just an innocent caring person. Make thing clear when you post brighten up the picture and don't sit there smiling because you think you have put a match to candle that may then go on and start a fire. Consider how you word thing, carefully.

IBMAREE the pourpose of this site is to be supportive of each other and not judge or retaliate. The reason I discussed it with a lawyer is due to the serious nature of Paddys responce. Grooming is a serious criminal offence which carries a penalty of upto 7 years imprisonment. Also though Paddy has not directly accused me of grooming he has come pretty close to it.

The advice I have recieved is that Paddys post is boarding on lible, this is both a civil and criminal offence.

I have Pm'd Paddy and have asked him to post an apology in this thread and withdraw his comments. The ball is now in his court.

As stated earlier I have been the victim of sexual abuse and know the impact it has. I have been raped by a female and I have also been groomed by an older male.

As I said out to cause trouble read your first comment. and those of Paddy the impression is you took out an 11yr old. you could have just as easily said sorry folks her family were with us, I have given the wrong impression.
Hope you got some nice clothes.

Guested1, first of all welcome to our forum. Secondly, you're not going to like what I have to say.

I find it incredibly arrogant and obnoxious of you to say such things about a long serving member of our community when you appear to have been here since... yesterday?!

Anyone who knows Ros knows that he is a vey serious, mature person and probably one of the last ones here to intentionallly cause trouble.

Perhaps you could have sat back and watched for a while before you leapt right in and started making accusations of the people here? Judging people is really not what this place is about.

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Anyone who knows Ros from here knows what about him really, JK?

Do they all know what the public record says is known about our Roswell?

Is he really the TBBD Poster Boy of Probity and moral rectitude that you may suggest, JK?

Maybe Roswell, this is where you return and re-introduce yourself? Links, and all? You don't have to, however and please note I'm not giving them out here either.

If anyone wants to read the PM I was sent, here it is. I offer it because it was clearly referred to by Roswell in this Thread. It is unedited by me so contains a First Name as written.

"From Roswell To Paddy, Today at 1:55 pm
Paddy,

As I said in the thread your post and the whole thread was past onto a lawyer. Your post though not directly accuseing me of grooming came pretty close to it. I took the step of running it past my friend due to the serious nature of your post.

He has got back to me and again advised me that I did nothing inapporiate and there is nothing inapporiate in my post and your response is an over-reaction. He has advised me it is boarderlineing on being lible.

I do not want to create a witch hunt and I have been asked by a member even though they don't agree with your post I could forgive you. I am prepared to be the bigger person in this situation, all I ask is that you post a public apology in the thread and withdraw your comments.

There have been a number of times where your behaviour as site administion has been questioned by members and members have left this site because of this; this timee you took it to a whole new level.

I understand you have been sexually abused in the past and still have unresolved issues in relation to this but it is inapporiate to project your unresolved issues onto others. Paddy you need to get help to reslove those issues. I also have been sexually abused, I was groomed by an older male and also have been raped by a female. I went and sought help for this.

Just so you know I have also been in touch with the Mental Health Commission to find out if this website falls under the Health and Disability Act and Code. The reason I am finding this out is to protect the members.

Richard"

Roswell, please understand,, no apology is offered, expressed or implied for any of my original post in this Thread so tell that to to your lawyer please.

To those who find my style or method of site administration intolerable there is not much to say. I'm simply me doing the best I can for as many as I can. I'm not here to court (look, a Pun, Roswell) popularity.

If and when I'm proven to be out and out wrong in an administrative decision made and implemented then I will acknowledge that. But I won't say sorry for trying my hardest. And nor will I buckle to threats.

It is good that we can have these discussions here, isn't it.

Paddy.

Well I would certainly like clarification of the rule you are trying to enforce in your "it's my way or the highway" manner.

My current understanding of it is: An adult is not allowed to refer to or mention a person under the age of 18 in any way whatsoever.

Please correct me.

And in answer to your question... those of us who have met him know that he is mature, compassionate, responsible and definitely not a trouble maker. I also feel it it's wrong of you to judge Roswell and attempt to discredit him by bringing up "what the record shows".

It IS good that we can discuss things here. But you managed to ignore most of our concerns.

I have thought long and hard about posting here today as last night was my first visit to TBBD in such a long while and I admit to having some confusion over my place if any, in this thread.

But Im gonna post anyway.

My experience on TBBD as some of you know, was a defining factor in my getting well. The love and support I received here from Pat, Rossy and many many more has stayed with me on my journey and I am very grateful.

I also know that back in those times of unwellness a post like Rossy's initial post would have made me feel just as if not more, uncomfortable as it did when I read it last night and it may have had a detrimental effect to my experience here ... who knows.

I am not suggesting that we take complete responsibility for everyone elses experience of TBBD but the nature of the site is such where it would will not survive with its original intent if we do not at times measure ourselves and our comments.

It is a sad world that we live in when an innocent shopping expedition picques our suspicions as this but ... this is the world we live in and not all situations are innocent.

Dont get me wrong Rossy, I am not implying that you have done anything wrong bar phrase your post in a way that was open to misinterpretation. The details added in your later post would have been sufficient to allay any fears or discomfort but hindsight is a grand thing isnt it.

Misinterpretation is easy, and more so when the subject matter is so very emotive for some.

I completely understand Pats reaction to your post (and believe me I had my 'whoah' moment of doubt about his post as well last night). But Pats 'job' here is to support and enable every member here a safe experience. And that includes boundary setting where he feels it appropriate. Someone has to take those big decisions and Pat shoulders that burden for us all. I certainly wouldnt want the job .. you cant please all of the people all of the time after all.

As Pat has stated in his last post, for many our only experience of each other is on here. We dont know any more about eachother than we each care to share and with that comes a huge responsibility to eachother and to ourselves.

Assumption of character is a dangerous thing and not a reliable basis to set our personal boundaries ... but boundaries we must have if we are to share safely.

While I understand your reaction to Pats post I am saddened that things seem to be so quickly getting out of hand.

I truly dont know what more to say ........ yet!

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Paddy I do not know how to reply. You have slumpped to a new low bring up an issue from my past that is unrelated to this discussion and for which I have paid and continue to pay my dues. I have met a number of people from TBBD in real life and a number of them are aware of my past.

My name is Richard John Stephens. In 2007 I was charged with eight counts of arson. In 2008 I pled guilty and was sentanced to nine months home dentention, $10,000 reparation and six months post sentance conditions which were to have any treatment considered apporiate by probation and report to probation. An aggravteing factor to my offending was I was a volunteer firefighter.
http://home.nzcity.co.nz/news/article.aspx?id=77575&%20cat=975
http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/4324
http://vollynet.org.nz/mailman/public/vollynet/Week-of-Mon-20070813/012870.html
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10468851

So there is the public record that Paddy refers to. What these articles do not mention is what led to me committing these offences which was a mental breakdown.

My ex partner had a long history of eplipsey. Sadly her condition deterioated and her seizures could not be managed by medication. Her conditation was so sever they were considering doing a labomoty in a bid to bring the seizures under control. In the nine months leading upto my offending my ex would seize every second or thrid day, often between 2 and 3 am. I would have to monitior her while she had her seizure, afterwards put her in the recovery position and keep an eye on her breathing and pluse. I had on a number of occasions call an amblance. As a result of the seizures my ex was showing the signs of brain damage, memory loss and we were aware of the fact that she may pass away.

During on seizure she hit her head, in a fight or flight responce when she came to she attacked me. She also grabbed a kitchen knife and advanced on me, I had to wake up the neighbours to intervene.

I was the primary and sole care giver to my partner. I have no family to support me and I had moved to a new town away from my support base to be with her. Her family refused to face the reality of my ex's health. I rang from the hospital on morning to say we were there and if they could come down and be with their neice. They told me to call back in the morning.

I had been in reqular contact with my GP and was adviseing him that my health was declineing and I needed help and support. He refused to reffer me to Community Mental Health despite me returning to drinking, thoughts of self harm and suicide. Also he did not reffer me to counselling services> You may ask why did I not do it myself, fact was I was hardly functioning.

In a move of despiration I walked into the Community Mental Health offices and asked to be seen. I was seen and after talking to them they referred me back to my GP. They said since I had been able to walk 40 minutes to their offices and tell them what was happening I was fine.

I left and waited to hear back from my GP.

Three weeks later I was arrested for arson. I have no recollection of lighting the fires.

When I appeared in Court the judge ordered a full psyc report and remanded me in custody.

The finding of the Psyc report was that I was mentally unwell at the time of offending. They also found that I was in what is known as a disaccoative state while offending.

The psych reported that I had a year earlier been successfully be treated for self harming. My self-harming behaviour occured when I basically was under extreem stress/pressure and was a stress release. The psyc believed that the fires replaced the cutting as a form of stress release.
The report back to the court also the failures of both the Mental Health Services and my GP

Didn't really want to get involved in this, but things have got a bit out of hand. I presumed it was an innocent post, until a lawyer was brought in to it. Sorry, but it rings a lot of alarm bells for me.

Paddy's post didn't accuse Roswell of anything. It merely pointed out that what Roswell said could be seen as inappropriate. I agree, it's not normal for a grown man to take an eleven year old girl clothes shopping.

i actually thought wen i initially read this thread that something must of been deleted becuase i couldnt find the "bad" post, it was only after re reading that i realised it was the first post being refred to.

roswell, im glad you had fun shopping and that you got some cool clothes. kids are honest too, they will tell you if you look like a dork... i can just imagine my neice or nephew telling me i look stupid lol

This thread has turned very nasty very quickly. its very sad to see on what is supposed to be a supportive site. disapointing but on a brighter note all


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