Call me what ever you want..I'm over it

I was just a young person trying to look for some support, advice, help, maybe even some friendships.. Some on this site have been absolutely fantastic and I truly thank you for that, honestly.

Others, not so much, and if you were like me (or use to be, as this site is "for people living with depression or other mental illnesses") you would know and understand that you can easily get your feelings hurt! What someone could say may tip you over the edge.. I guess you don't really think when you decide to reply on someone's post.. Such a good influence some are..

I have been in denial and am most likely still in it. Some may easily accept something like this, others, maybe not as much..I wanted something more to this life, I needed something more, and having people on this site who cared enough to private email me and make me email them every day to let them know about the one thing that had kept me going during the day- To me that is genuine caring.

But in the end life seems so pointless. All we do is grow up and then die. Yes marvolous things could happen along the way, but terrible things will also happen. I don't want to handle those bad things. I can't explain what goes through my head, I can't put it to words, but sometimes those thoughts and feelings are so strong sometimes that I don't see a point at all. I am undeserving and selfish. I take everything for granted. I lash out and get angry. My moods go up and down, up and down and I cannot stand it anymore. I don't want to live like this. But I won't change willingly, so what is the point wasting other peoples time and breath?? I don't want to pay bills, do chores, work to keep myself finacially stable. I don't want to hurt like I am now. I don't want to lose the close ones in my life. I don't want to know others who have passed away. I don't think I could ever be a leader, be someone others look up to. I get bored of what I do right now- I'm young, I want to be full of energy, like I use to be. I was bubbly and so full of life. I had the best bunch of friends in the whole world. I'm a loner now, yes I have a great boyfreind, and one really close friend, but I just can't do it. I have no one my own age, no body to mingle with. I hide away at social events. They deseve better than me. I wish they didn't have to put up with me.

I want to stay on this forum but i'm scared and I'm sick of writing about things I'm worried about and getting called an attention seeker, you didn't have to read my posts, you could have thought it in you head, but no, you just have to hurt others feelings and make them feel pathetic when you have no idea what they could be dealing with, what has gone on in their life, how they may react to something you find as so petty. I wrote on this forum because I thought it is somewhere anyone can write anything, no matter how bad, selfish, worrysome it could be, but I guess some things just aren't good enough..some people aren't considerate and don't respect what may have taken others a long time to post up.

This place has been oh so helpful and has filled a hole in my life. It gave me something to look forward to, to see others opinions about where to go from here, what to do, etc etc. Something I had never really experienced before. It was great to hear some views and read others stories, helpful ideas, but also knowing that there is not just me out there. So thank you for helping.

I don't want to think about doing something stupid at night and my boyfriend waking up to his dead girlfriend in the morning. It seriously ruins me. I hate knowing the impact of what I could do, I can picture their faces. It hurts so much of how selfish I could be, but I can't stop thinking about wanting to die, wanting it all to be over.

I changed my name as it was qwerk, not qwerky..so this is my post, who ever cares anyway..

I care qwerky, and so do many others. That was just one post, so try hard not to take notice. Maybe that poster was also in a bad space at the time.
Hope you get a good nights sleep and feel a little better in the morning.

Doesn't matter if it was just one post- It still hurt none the less. I keep things with me for quite a while.

Don't pretend you care, when you probably don't really give a rats arse.

I understand that it would hurt qwerky.
If I didn't care, I wouldn't be here.
I cant claim to understand how deep your sadness is because i haven't suffered that deeply myself, however, I have watched as my partner went into his deepest times, so my heart goes out to you.
As you say you have a wonderful boyfriend, so stay strong for the both of you.

Hi qwerky,

Please try to set this incident aside. I have responded to the comments with a semi sharp type and I think the person got the message as they posted later in another thread.

They feel crappy too.

But that won't take it back.

Qwerky, move forward if you can and please take good care of yourself. I would miss talking to you and yes, I do give a ratsarse (but mine resembles more of an elephants arse, you can have that one instead if you like...)

Hi qwerky and others,

I would miss you if you werent here anymore! I can quite often relate to what other people are going through here at the TBBD and its not till i read other peoples posts that it actually occurs to me - im the same too! I too struggle with selfesteem, confidence, motivation, ambitious issues etc and everytime ive read your posts qwerky its helped me to open up about my experiences so i thank you for that and ill always encourage people to keep talking keep writing keep communicating cos bottling things up sucks a bit fat ....... lemon! (Im not very good at using expressive words umm adjectives is it? *shrugs* well this aint school so who cares what words we use) See how i get sidetracked easily? I hate how i do this!

Great now i forgot what im trying to say. Oh yes qwerky i completely agree with everything you said in your post and being honest with yourself is a huge thing to do and being honest with other people is just as big. I suck at both. I quiter often write the same post over and over as i jsut have to, i want to be heard or i want to chat bt i have no one at all i can talk to. No friends what so ever. So i need this place and everyone in it. I do hope you stick around and share your stories k?

Take care.

Jaffas right. I'm just an attention seeking piece of s**t. Yes I may have problems, but everyone does! Mine are just petty and stupid.

I'm sorry if I have caused people grief, I know nothing I probably say is worth while. I may seek attention because I want to feel loved, to feel cared for. Nothing really matters as I put the sadness on. Yes I'm fake.

WHAT EVER.
Bye

OK.

Your problems might seem small to otther people, but to you they are huge and thats all that matters.

Its that whole on a pain scale of 1 - 10 how bad is the pain with 10 being the highest! Im a 10 always because i cant handle pain. But yet someone going through the same thing will rank it differently because they can handle more or have experienced greater pain BUT ist still all in respect to how YOU feel not anyone else! I dont care if that sounds selfish, as ive heard someone say to me "its not always about you" well fark that cos sometimes it is about me and im making it about me and its me me me me me ME so get used to it. I need help. If you wont help me - rack off and leave me alone. It is your life, your depression and you need to do whats best for you. At the end of the day we an all sit here and talk to you and help in any way we can but its up to you to take what you want from our help. Anyhow im a survivor just like paddy says and destinys child too im a survivor i dont give up. I get knocked down time and time again but i always get back up. I must be a sucker for punishment but i will never stop trying. I will probably cry 1000 tears a day till the day i die but i will do it if it means i might be able to smile and cry just 1 happy tear.

All the best.

Good for you claire,

I will survive - gloria gaynor!

Just remember that.

Can I just add that every poster on here is seeking attention!
Seeking attention is part of the natural order!
Sometimes querky people find it irritating and difficult to understand if a person seeks and is given and then throws it back in everyones face. I havent bee around much lately and dont know what the situation is but you do have to accept that others are sometimes feeling anxious and asd and scared too and perhaps your posting strikes a nerve within them. This site has been unmoderated since its inception because the members have taken responsibility for themselves and their posts and their reaction to others posts!

Of course it hurts when people dont say what you want to hear...it also hurts when people dont hear what you want to say!

We are ALL sensitive here and while I dont agree with people being nasty or mean perhaps ther is also a place for a little tough love at times if done in an appropriate way. I am not in anyway condoning nastiness or lack of empathy but the reality is this is a site full of sick people who are not always able to manage their emotions perfectly well.

Its just something to remember.

Your post in this thread is disturbing and I can only hope that you are seeking help elsewhere than here as it seems you are in particular need atm.

Please do take care and keep posting whatever you like if you feel it helps you in any small way!

Yep I'll agree we are all sensitive here at times, some more than others, and sometimes we are more sensitive than usual.

And yes there is a place for tough love, but it needs to be fashioned in a positive way.

I'm just sticking it out. I don't want help. If it gets better, then it will, but like I said, I'm not willing to do anything about it. I know I'm a stupid little girl.

I was going to offer the same thing yesterday Qwerky. But then I realised how much I like this place - so am going to stick around. you should too!

*** eeek **** I just realised I've posted in the ladies room - sorry peeps. I use the "show posts since last visit" option to sometimes miss when I'm clicking on the ladies room.

I wont delete this post as I don't want people thinking I said something bad and deleted it. But please accept my apologies for posting in here.
************

Good!

That's ok Jaffa, we can forgive, quite easily

Long thread! Haven't called in for a while as have been really busy. I've been so well, too.

Hi Qwerky! Some of your writing reminds me of myself many years ago. Sounds like you're wobbling all over the place! Have you tried the fish oil capsules yet? You hang in there now, girl. A hug from 'granny'.