A Refreshing Forum

[wreckedless]

Wow a friend showed me the community section on trade me and i found this forum.
I have been suffering with depression for more than 8 years. Have very few friends and the ones that I do have cannot understand what it is all about. Can be quite lonely in this head of mine.
I have had a failed marriage after 12 years (long years) and another failed relationship of 5 years. On my own now. Sometimes I think this is best but sometimes it sucks aswell.
It is actually great to see some people that are in the same boat and fantastic to hear what its like on the other side of the fence and having to deal with people like me.
The worst thing for me is that I would really like to get away from myself and so I tend to push people away. I cant see why they would want to put up with me when I dont want to put up with myself.
Its definately a strange place in side my head.

[Paddy]

Welcome, Wreckedless.

I've been running from me for as long as I can remember and each time I get puffed, stop and look around, I'm there. Damn, I hate that!

I was married for over 10 years, have had several relationships, but I just can't see how I can get by except by keeping myself to myself . Its too hard trying to be anyone else but me. Its too exhausting, having to pretend I'm well, I'm OK, I'm happy, not scared etc.

I tried to explain in a TM thread a short time ago, why I can't 'do' relationships. You sound as though you know exactly where I'm coming from when I said:

"... Cause I don't love me, I can't let anyone else. Because I don't like me, I push away those who try to. Yeah, its a lonely way to exist. Yeah, it sucks. But its the only way I know to get thru life with me. By myself .... The harder someone wants 'in', to be part of my life, the harder I push them away. I don't think its a test of their love, its more that I know myself too well and dont want to hurt them. Course, it does and I do. Bugger."

Why is it that intellectually, we can understand that we are essentially 'good people', yet we refuse to allow ourselves to really, honestly believe and accept that?

[wreckedless]

my god that is exactly it. Reading it makes me sad for you and me but its also very cool that someone actually knows how it feels.

I spend half my time just wishing I wasnt me. No matter how many people I leave or how many people I push away every morning I wake and I'm still here. Damn it.

[Paddy]

Oh yeah, we're not alone, sadly.

And yet we are, very alone.

Its bloody hard work pushing people away sometimes, too - they won't take no for an answer, some of them and I just don't have the energy or the emotional ability to cope. So, I hide from the world. I rarely answer my 'phone, I don't initiate conversations, and I can easily go a week with no more conversation or personal interaction than occurs at the supermarket, when I'm told how much it all costs, and I say Thank You.

[ZenMonsta]

Evening Paddy, hi Wreckedless and welcome!

I, and I am sure many others here can completely relate to yours and Paddy's posts. Loneliness has become my 1 true friend.....it makes me sad and I wish it was different as I have a daughter I have to be here for but its not. People often dont understand the need to be alone and the often painful effort it takes to do what people without depression find to be a comfort.

I hope you will come back and chat when you need to wreckedless.


Monsta

[wreckedless]

I will go to bed tonight knowing that when I wake up tomorrow atleast there is someone out there who knows.

If I never visit this site again this is probably the best news I have had in the longest time.

Thanks paddy

Another one of my favourites is to agonise over weather I have said to much. I am filled with anixety at the minute. My hair is standing on end. Sometimes I feel like one stuffed up unit.
So thanks for this forum Paddy, if you understand the running from yourself I am hoping someone will understand the hair thing as well.

[Paddy]

Agonising over things you said? Endlessly practicing conversations (in your head, of course) to cover every possible permutation and situation (and then doing your damndest not to allow yourself into a situation where you might actually have to converse?).

Those, I know. The hair standing on end - I think its part of our inherent fight or flight mechanism and I don't know that that can ever really be controlled, except maybe by Rambo?

I hope you do come back and visit - and if you're able to, to tell others about our site as well because as you're discovering, you have feelings, fears and yep, even hopes, that others share and to an extent anyway, can understand and relate to.

Take care, stay safe and yeah, please visit again.

Pat.

[poppy]

Crikey! I am NOT the only one - running through conversations in my head and the need for alone time, not liking myself etc. It is so hard for others to understand - my partner still struggles sometimes with the fact that I need time by myself - completely alone. He is very sociable and it is not something he can relate to. He has worked so very hard to understand (but never really will) but he now accepts that is just the way it is with me and he will take the kids for a day and leave me to my solitude. I am very lucky.

[Books4NZ]

Hi Everyone..

I can relate to what is written above too.. I avoid places, prefer not to go out, find it hard to keep a conversation going, have lost social skills, find it hard to keep track of a conversation - my mind is moving ahead to what I could say next, so I'll be able to think of saying something, so I don't hear or remember what is being said to me, feeling like the person is going to judge me or think - what have I got here? Going shopping at night when I'm less likely to see anyone I know, choosing a checkout where the person won't know me, going down a different aisle than the one I'm needing groceries from, if someone I know is down that aisle, making phone calls at times when I'm more likely to get an answer machine, using emails as a way of contacting people, cos I can cope with that. I'm currently building a house - a dream of over 11 years finally happening - probably 95% or more of the contacting and organising has been done my email. I've talked to the builders only twice at their offices, twice on the phone - and everything else by email. We're living on the property the house is being built on - each day I've got the curtains closed on our home here, so I don't have to face the builder's, and other workers, etc.. Each weekday morning at 6.45am, I leave an electric lead with a plastic bag taped over the socket, hanging out a locked window here, so the builder's have electricity - I put the lead out then, so I make sure they don't see me, as they don't get here till 7.30, so I'm safe.. and I don't have to face them. I go back to bed and sleep till 2 or 3pm.. living my upside down life through my computer during the night..

I understand what you're all saying about the need to be alone.. it's vital for me.

[Books4NZ]

Hi Wreckedless..
You wrote about the hair standing on end.. I call this 'truth chills'.. when you notice the hair standing on end, take notice of what you're saying, writing, hearing, seeing, reading, etc.. you may find that what you're hearing, reading, etc.. is something that's absolutely truthful for you.. really connecting deeply with you.. such as when writing your posts above, writing your truth, and then reading it, and the words you were reading from others, rang a bell in you as being the absolute truth.. It gives us goosebumps, and hair standing on end.. like a truth monitor somehow..

Maybe you might find this is what is happening for you too..

Take care.. and good for you for posting and sharing.. Have a lovely week..

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