Help me to stop it ....

Please ....

I self harm, i dont want to do it but i get some self satisfaction from doing it. Im under a physcologist, my gp and trying different meds ....i feel sick all the time, wanna cry all the time, cant do daily jobs, Ive gone in a big spiral of self destruction ....Im drinking, im gambling .....its insane....i want to be normal again im going to ruin my marriage as my hubby just dosnt understand, i want to enjoy things, i want to enjoy my kids aged from 3 to nearly 17. I want to get back out on my horse....Im lucky i have a hubby, a nice house, nice furniture, horses, a horse float!! Why am i NOT happy I get such bad anxiety that i cut, when i cut i feel so much better.....my physcologist is worried about me, so much that shes contacting my GP for the 2nd time in 2 weeks ....I would not contemplate suicide....I have 6 kids that need me, and my biggest fear is dying and not being here for them so i wouldnt purposly put them in that situation ....I just want to be the old me ....the happy bubbly person i used to be, i dont wanna have to drink to be happy, gamble to be happy ....i dont want any of that. But i cant get the energy to get up and do the positive things in life ....

This is crazy i feel like im going insane ....