Can't do it anymore

Hi there
I was in a long marriage with a violent alcoholic and living in fear for so many years, I managed to get out only to find myself suffering from PTSD and chronic depression. Then the battle was on with protection orders, property settlement etc, legal services demanding money I didn't have, I left with nothing and had to buy everything for a home again without any help, during this I was made redundant from the job i loved, my whole family decided to ostracize me, parents, sisters even my older son, yet they all communicate and see my violent ex which hurts me so much. I then ended up in a job where management were abusive and sexest, this caused my symptoms to increase to a point where I became so ill and scared I've had to leave work and am now on sickness benefit but after I pay my household bills as I have a mortgage etc, I have only $20 for food and transport a week and yes I am receiving extra allowances but still it only just covers my bills. Just going to the doctor means that's my food money for the next 2 weeks. Just after I left work, I had a bike accident, the first time I tried to get out and about, as I have become a recluse, that accident over 3 months ago now, has caused many injuries and I am in a lot of pain. My doctor had left and I wasn't even told, I have a problem being around ppl and after being referred to the Community Mental Health I am much worse as the social worker wasn 't doing anything, she offered me no help or advice on how to cope with my symptoms and didn't even discuss my meds, all she said was I couldnt control what others did as if I didn't know but I am hurting. Because of this I find I can no longer talk, the words won't come out of my mouth anymore. I am so very alone and in so much physical pain and under huge financial stress. I am grieving and totally heartbroken. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't ask for help anymore. I can't do this anymore.

Can't do it anymore Angelique ....

and yet you are doing it.

Every day putting one foot in front of the other (or finger on the keyboard) despite the enormous challenges youre facing at the moment.

And you have a voice, here on this website and someone is listening to you ... probably lots of people ... and we're all reading the posts of a woman who is struggling to get through the day but who still has the strength to tell her story.

I think its important that you keep trying to make other people listen to you Angelique and if the words wont come out of your mouth just now, then write it down as clearly and concisely as you can and email your story and snail mail it to your family, to your Dr., to your key worker and anyone else involved in your recovery including friends who may have pulled away because they didnt know how to help.

And keep coming back here, to TBBD, because we are listening to you Angelique!

Don't stop asking for help Angelique, you deserve help.

Oh Angelique I can't say I know how you feel but I also know struggle (I have a thread about my son being sectioned) and all I can offer you is an ear on this board. Please be kind to yourself (as much as you can). When things have been particularly tough I break things down into 5 minutes and tell myself I can do anything for just 5 mins. Just 5minutes. It seems to help me.

And keep coming back here. No judgements and lots of kind support like the wonderful post above by ZenMonsta.

Take care.

I agree ZM - do you mind if I call you that?

Angelique does deserve help, and she deserves time to heal.

Angelique, you have already gone through so much in your life, more than most.... give yourself the time to heal - you can afford to do that. Time costs nothing, and it is always there.

Over time, you may gain strength - as Zen said, write things down, even a blog here. I used to type my blog with my eyes shut..almost as if I didn't want to read what I was typing. Often I wouldn't check it, just press send.

I found I could type what ever I wanted to ... and review it later when I felt stronger.

Perhaps this could be a tool that you could use?

You need to look after you, and no one else - and please write away here - we don't mind

Thank you all, even though my new doctor has recommended an assessment and for me to see a pyschologist, and treatment at hospital for my injuries, the hospital can't see me for a month and the mental health nurse whose suppose to do my assessment hasn't even been in contact, it's just over a week now. Even then i don't know how I will be able to bring myself to be infront of these ppl. I just feel so very broken. Totally heartbroken, totally alone and desperate.