RANT

Sorry about this but...
I can barely function atm. A year back I broke from a violent relationship and stopped smoking MJ (mary-jane) Now I can't even drink alcohol or the next 2 days I feel sooo low I'm almost suicidal - which is how I am almost every day anyway. I had to come off my meds (SSRI's) because although years ago (say about 8 or 10) they made a world of difference, I realised they were making me really really depressed. I couldn't even get out of bed. My cousin would have to literally drag me out of it!

Thinking of suicide nearly every day - when I hear on the news that someone had a crash or got shot, I always think, DAMN IT! Why couldn't it have happened to me?!? The only thing preventing me from doing it are my two children (eldest is living in Oz and youngest is with his father) My whole family live in Oz and being single, I am pretty much on my own, day after day, with no support. Have just moved to a new suburb and I don't have a car.

Because of my drug filled wild past I lost a few friends along the way and so now I'm struggling with starting over. A lot of my friends have moved to Oz or other towns in NZ. I KNOW I shouldn't have gone down the drug path and I know I've made a lot of foolish choices over the years and I bitterly regret them. BUT I can't get out of where I'm at. Feeling so stuck. Rat in a cage. Unemployed, no kids, no family and only a couple of friends. All day long I drive myself crazy. I'm looking for work, even some part time work cas I know I need to keep my mind occupied. I've even signed up for a community skills course, because the only thing I am slightly interested in (and have been for awhile) is physchology. Go figure. Anyway, rant over. Time to go to bed. I hope I don't wake up haha

Aurora, there are very few of us on this forum who have not had a past similar to your own, I also know for sure we go through exactly what you describe as your day to day existence.

The loneliness of this life for people like us is acutely painful.

But live it we do and we do things to try to make the days bearable until some days actually are worth getting out of bed for.

Aurora ssri's didn't work for me either, I crazily tried 8 different kinds feeling worse than ever. Angry, raging, crying, huge self pity and wallowing.

I am on an old fashioned a/d now which thankfully right now for me is the Holy Grail itself.

You are important Aurora and the first thing you need to do before you address all the other things like job, car, town is get yourself and your head sorted. That is with a GP and tell him / her exactly how you feel. Even write it down if you have to.

Good thing that you've signed up for a community skills course, it shows your alive and you have hope for the future.

We care about you on this forum Aurora so please stay in touch and lets know how you get on. You are not alone anymore.

Thank you for your caring response Martine. I will keep in touch. It has made me feel a bit better.

Regarding meds I've been taking 5HTP and have been for about a week or so now. I will give them a month and then if nothing improves then I'll go to the Doctor. Just a bit strapped for cash right now and wanted to try a natural way is all.

Thanks for caring!

Hi Aurora

OK but you do sometimes need to ask for help because the services such as they are tend to only respond when you are in deep not before.

Please keep posting and trying to find things to make yourself smile at least once a day.

I look at Dame Edna videos on youtube when I feel bad.
Love to you Martine