It's not working

I went back on my pills a couple of weeks ago because I felt the anger and other things coming back to get me again...give your self this time off and you will be Ok..Good on you for telling her and taking the first steps..you are doing everything you can to help yourself..what more can she ask? hugs to you for tomorrow(0)

But but but, what if they fire me? What if everyone finds out and they all look at me funny? What if they all find out and think that I'm faking? What if it's all just in my head? What if the sky falls in on my head?

Blerg.

Thanks smiley

I think I'm going to go to bed. Fortunately tomorrow is a day when I normally don't work anyway, so I don't have to decide whether I need to ring in sick in the morning.

Anita

Maaaaaate (flicks ya with wet bath towel, noticng you DO look different from when the steam room with the Lads - Must bed something in the Red Seal Stuff, eh?

Oh yeah. Anita, you have a medical certificate, saying NO WORK for Anitia, until 03 May 2010. How 'they' cope or get over it, is not your concern - not for a moment, hon. Should they get a bit shirty, please let me know - I used to run an Employment Relations consultancy when I was a bit younger (me older archived web site for that stuff can be found at http://web.archive.org/web/20021210151554/www.badbosses.co.nz/index.php
The site focusses on farm work but You know me by now - I had a bash ant anything where I thiought wrong had been done. Never lost a single case, neither.

So, and in your medical cert, grab a few things from your workspace if ya really need them, and go home. Don't go back to work before the Certificate expired, UNLESS its to hand in a further medical, extending your current break. If that happens its for a good reason - its cos you don't need be 'there' right now as much as you need to 'don't be there' . Tis OK to admit, to.

There a lotta skills and knowledge within the corporate memory of our Family here, and if we can, we offer help.

Up the Bosses - Get Ya Self More Godder First, Anita. You deserve that.


Paddy.

Here here...I agree with Patty

Manager was a delight. All arranged by email or post - so no need to talk just now - supportive and just lovely. And not telling details to other managers either, such a relief.

Not that I actually thought that anything else would happen, my work are really lovely people mostly. But that was the problem. They are lovely and professional and normal and I'm RAWR STOMP STOMP RAWR crying RAWR etc.

We all need a break methinks.

:(flower):yeah hoo

I wish I understood my head. I'm fairly sure that if I understood it then I'd be a ways toward being able to live with it. But even NewTherapistTM agrees that what we have decided to call my "unfiled emotions" are tangled in the extreme. I feel quite grim, I have butterflies and I'm working very hard to not think about things that aren't good, or to at least apply the old "stop" technique to them when I remember in time. Trouble is, I wouldn't know a good thought if I fell over it! How am I supposed to replace my negative thinking when I don't have anything to replace it with and wouldn't know where to start?

If she can't figure it out then how am I supposed to do it?

In other news. Tomorrow a very old friend arrives to stay for a few days. Tonight is regular Friday night drinks, although that is become quite stressful lately so maybe I won't go into town tonight just to be stressed out and spend money I don't have. This afternoon I am babysitting. Right now I am going to go outside in the sunshine.

I have chosen to make my 'problem' public. Unfortunately right now that means I'm beating myself up about doing that. I didn't do it on purpose or to be noble, I'm clumsy and don't think to hide myself online. I don't think that I'm that important that anyone would ever look. But people do. And right now I'm not comfortable with that.

The reason I have come to be less comfortable with that is because:

I feel guilty that I have made my inability to change my behaviour into work's problem. I feel awkward that I have let friends know my feelings and that I can't now just go back to normal. I feel silly for taking time off work. I regret being open because being open came from despair and not caring rather than from well thought out decision making. I feel myself to the object of pity and of compassion and I really don't like that. I feel that by telling people it could seem like I was forcing them to accept an excuse for my behaviour.

I think that's the lot.

Mostly back to comfortable.

It takes a huge amount of intestinal fortitude to open up like that.. maybe hitting a terrible low point made it happen, but now people can understand more and are more likely to compassionate..than however they were felling and reacting... and that could show in their body language even if they ahve no words to offer. in that space maybe you can feel better and an upward sprial can start.

good luck Anita... its a compliment when people care... soak up the love..

I wish I could be comfortable being the object of compassion but it makes me feel stink. My pride is taking a bit of a tumble right now :/

Hi Anita...just had the same conversation with my doc(me with snot flying and water pissing everywhere..soooo attractive)... ....its all part of it just remember that all these feelings are all part of it..not you ..IT..ok babe xx

wowinnz wrote:It takes a huge amount of intestinal fortitude to open up like that.. maybe hitting a terrible low point made it happen, but now people can understand more and are more likely to compassionate..than however they were felling and reacting... and that could show in their body language even if they ahve no words to offer. in that space maybe you can feel better and an upward sprial can start.

good luck Anita... its a compliment when people care... soak up the love..

I wrote then rewrote a reply Anita, wowinnz put into words what I was trying to say. So have borrowered her words, cause there is a nifty quote button The upward spiral is way better than the spiral down. Taking huge leaps forward Anita, much admired.

You guys are right, I know. Being matter of fact and honest about the whole thing makes it feel so much more manageable. Now I just have to learn how to hold on to that understanding!

A few people in my extended social circle have been posting various articles about how anti-depressants don't work, or if they do work it's through the placebo effect, or how exercise is better anyway and so on. I'm finding it very discouraging.

Now I'm fairly sure it's not aimed at me, because I'm fairly sure that they would speak to me directly, but I am finding it very invasive of my choices and the management of my illness. I don't want to stop reading my friends journals and twitter feeds, and I certainly don't want to engage in any kind of debate about the science of ADs. I guess I just wish that this current obsession they all seem to have with ADs hadn't coincided with my decision to try a new one.

Hi Anita, My thought was ' have any of these people ever experienced depression and been advised to take anti-depressants ' ..... I wonder

I think we all have a bit of a dislike of drugs - would prefer to live drug free - but some of us have a chemical imbalance - so one needs to try suggestions.

I met a woman who was very depressed, then she had a very bad car accident - I went to see her several times in hospital - she was just about totally unreachable - her meds had been messed about with, naturally, as she was in intensive care etc - then I saw her after she'd got her medication sorted, had some counselling, and some time had passed.

Well! I couldn't BELIEVE how good she was - bright eyed, smiling, laughing, coping with her permanent injuries from the accident. I was sooooooo pleased to see her looking so well and obviously doing OK. I told her how great she looked and how different she was since I'd seen her in hospital .......... I know I'm being a bit long-winded about this !! but that was one of the times I'd witnessed such a turnaround for someone. And yes, most of it was to do with getting the right anti-depressant!

Daze

And there's just the practical problems - sure, if I could afford a gym membership and a personal trainer and a nutritionist and a psychiatrist and a cook and not to have to work in order to have time to exercise, cook and blah blah blah all the time then yes, I'm sure that that would work "better" than ADs in a long term sense.

As it is ADs are $3 for 3 months. That I can afford.

I don't really get who I am. Who people see or something. I don't ... I just don't get who I behave. Who I present? If I really hated myself, would I get so angry at people - and at myself - for ignoring me? Do people really ignore me? I don't think they do. Then...

This is all far too confusing. And possibly unhelpful. But cutting through this fog is always so hard. And pushing it aside is also unhelpful. I don't understand this life at all.

So I'm going to have a glass of wine and play video games.

I am feeling better than I was. Much much better than I was. So much better, in fact, that I am doing my usual look back into the not better time and cringing at the things I said and did.

I need to not forget that I was so far down. I need to not brush it off again. I need to remember those feelings in order to spot them earlier next time. I need to not forget.

Back to work on Monday. Maybe I'll be back down by Monday evening anyway, and won't need to remind myself to remember

Hey Anita,
It's good to hear that you are really better. Did you think the ADs have kicked in??

yeah Anita

Good to hear you are feeling better and are able to return to work. Have fun ...

Thanks guys

Ads are totally kicked in and doing thier job. Therapy is good and helpful and good. Work is ok. Home is grand, friends rock.

God this is a relief.

Anita wrote:Ads are totally kicked in and doing thier job. Therapy is good and helpful and good. Work is ok. Home is grand, friends rock.

God this is a relief.

Fantastic! Yay for a good week - can you send some of it this way??

congratulations Anita. Long may it continue.

Hey all.

So things eh? Things things things things.

My mood has stabilised; the time off work, the ADs and the therapy were a bloody good combo this time round. I am talking matter of factly about having an illness or being sick and refusing to be embarrassed about it. My brain just doesn't work in a way that is ok. I have to be ok with that and I have to remember that. I have to work that understanding into everyday life and remember to remember it.

Bloody hard bloody work. Harder for those of you with bipolar or schizophrenia or whatnot but still HARD. So hard to force myself to assess my thinking even when I'm feeling ok. So hard to remember to rephrase shoulds and recast comparisons.

However. I have been allowed another 6 sessions with my therapist on the public health dollar which is totally awesome. And these will be the actual learning how to repattern the thinking sessions, which is really going to help.

Yay for things. Things are ok. And I am going to make sure that they stay ok.